...-=Positive + Goodness=-...

I hope and pray that you'll be able to let go of the anger, the hurt and the frustrations that life, not just the people close to you (past and present) has given you. Learn to forgive and to forget and be able to move on without looking back at the past hurt as this will still attract negative vibes. While you are there, I want you to heal not just physically but emotionally from the past hurts and pains that you have experienced before. The hardest part will be the two which is forgiving and forgetting... but it will be worth it in the end. Once you have let go of these... then you can start fresh.. start new.. and have all the positive vibes and the goodness in life in you again...
 
Chewie, you'll find that once you have let go of all these negative emotions... that you will no longer feel anger and frustration... but will always see the goodness of every little thing... the simplicity of life...
 
You may think that I am not making sense or being silly but I believe in all of these things that Buddha has taught.... happiness comes from within... and with anger, resentment, pride and hurt, this will not completely happen....
 
Let it all go Chewie... take the opportunity that you have now that you are closer to the higher being.

...-=Attitude=-...

I only wish that he will be less of an angry person. Be able to stand back and look and observe before saying something when a tough or not si good situation arises. He can be so nice you know, but no matter what I do or say, these changes, the happiness and the goodness in life that he's been hoping for, will be so far-fetched if he doesnt see the goodness in little things, in some people... after all they all start small...

 

I really do wish him well....  

...-=Narcissism=-...

 

 

 

 

 

After getting an invite to the play The Narcissist and reading the synopsis of it, I silent laughed and thought to myself... "Oh geez... this reminds me of someone I know! Why I never thought about it before is just so funny! Love really can blind people. I'm glad I bumped my head really hard this time and have awakened to the reality of it all... hehehe...

 

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

What is Narcissism?

A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

Most narcissists (75%) are men.

NPD is one of a "family" of personality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B").

Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.

NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviors ("dual diagnosis").

NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).

There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.

It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.

Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.

The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.

There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.

Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").

Narcissists are either "Classic" - see definition below - or they are "Compensatory", or "Inverted" - see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist".

NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioral). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviors (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.

Please read CAREFULLY!

The text in italics is NOT based on the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual, Fourth Edition-Text Revision (2000).

The text in italics IS based on "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", fourth, revised, printing (2003)

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

• Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

• Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)

• Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations

• Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends

• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

• Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her

• Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted

Some of the language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:

American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association

...-=Hola!=-...

Anna is not Mexican....

Is not!

Really....!!!

Anna is Filipino.

Anna is from Australia but was born in a country called the Philippines.

...-=Doped=-...

I have to admit, I am feeling so empty, so hopeless at times, so down and so..... I cant explain the feeling....

I am having a rollercoaster ride of emotions....

I hate this feeling!!!

...-=Brighter Day=-...

I woke up with a smile on my face today....     

 

I woke up and it was a bit sunny, and I was thinking of what I should do today, given that I am not working.

And then I smiled again - I'm not thinking about him! 

 

I think I am really starting to move on...

Although, yes I sent him an email yesterday, but that was only because I dont want anymore conflict in our lives.

I just want things to be back to normal...

 

I am okay... I am starting to be my happy and Zen self again...  

 

 

...-=The Lesson I Learnt=-...

I remember hearing this song at his place and he's told me that it's got some powerful lyrics. I listened to it and agreed.... I never thought that I'd be the one to say goodbye. I miss him you know. We've had some pretty good times together. But he wanted me to do this - eventually. I did myself a favour. I still love him but I've given so much of myself already. And it's time that I love myself again. I miss him you know. I woke up today thinking about him. It will be a very long healing journey, but I must do this for myself. I have to give myself more time and just be patient. I have let go of the most important person in my life - because although he is important and so close to my heart, he is not good to me.

:::The Power of Goodbye:::


Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye


Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

Chorus:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Bridge:
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

...-=It Wasn't That Hard Actually=-...

Wow... It wasnt that tough to let go... I thought I'd be crying my eyes out for nights, weeks and months! But - I'm actually feeling a lot better now. I have been smiling and laughing and yes, I still get teary eyed - but it's just normal I suppose. I guess I have over-cried myself on him already. I guess I am just over the whole thing. And it does help that he's not here, have no contact and I cant see him at all! I still have some of his things which I might drop by the weekend after this weekend but that's not really a priority. I remember I left the bracelet that Vannia gave to me at his place and same with my books - they're the most important thing.... Again, it's not really a priority... but I would want to have them back eventually.

 

I feel so light-hearted, like a burden has been lifted from my chest. I never realised that it was that bad until last night. I was treated more as a servant, a nurse, when really I should've been treated better... Why I put up with all of it.. Sara said I was blinded by love. Love can make you really stupid! I guess what pulled the last straw was when I realised that he was saying mean and bad things about me to his friends who doesnt have clue with what's really going on! I mean being called a stalker, psycho and nuisance isnt really nice is it, when all you really did was just to be there as a friend?!! Yes... I wasnt treated even as a friend.... Not so very nice. I know he has said nice things about me to some people too... but he's probably taken them back now.... Hmmmm.... If they only know the true story.

 

I guess this is the best thing that I have really done for myself. I have taken off the leash that he has put on me... No more pulling back and forth. He knows, I have told him, that when I get fed up, that is the end of it. I never wanted it to end this bad (this is actually not bad compared to the Philip Saga...!!!), but it was his fault. If he answered my questions, gave me the closure that I was asking from him and never led me to believe that we are actually friends... it would've been long over. If he didnt tell me those nice things about me being his "important friend", "one of his bestfriends", and that he loves me.... I would've gone.... cos none of them were true anymore... and he said the opposite to his friends which then made me look stupid. But I'm past that now... I'm now healing... One day I will learn to forgive and forget.... but at the moment, just let me be.... I am entitled to be angry... as I have always been there for him... I honestly dont know what the hell he was talking about me being a nuisance when I have only been a friend to him. I was there with him and for him when he was having his nervous breakdown... I bet none of his friends knew about it, except for Paul as I told him and I have to admit, though Paul can be so unreliable and may seem a bit lost at times... when he breaks down and if something really serious and major happens to him... Paul will be there for him! Paul really loves him and sees him as his brother and I have to say that he is a top bloke - despite his short-comings.

 

I guess my duties are over now. I can finally look after myself, focus on myself and make myself grow once again.... I dont think I will be dating for a while though, this has been one hell of a journey! But no regrets.... I loved him, I learned from the experience. I just hope that he's stop doing this not just to me but also to the other girls that he will dating in the future....

 

Karma is on my side... I've given heaps... will get ten-folds back!!! I'm happy with that... :)

 

Thank you for teaching me to become a better person. :)

...-=Hate Wall=-...

I love my friends!!! Seriously, if I can have a hate wall post it would be full by now and would be needing another big wall! Thanks for the text messages, the phone calls, emails, Skype messages and calls and Facebook and yes... my blog messages which I discourage.... ;)

 

Here's one of my favourite....

 

I love you all and thanks for being there for me... and for sticking by my side... :)

 

==========================================================

 

Hey Anna!

Chin up! You deserve better than him! It just makes me mad how you
stuck by him during his darkest hours, worrying about the cancer and
all that, what a twat. Well, you still have all your friends, so enjoy
your dinner with everyone and look forward not back!

I go to spain later today (I've already taken my auntie to the airport
early today to take her flight to Dallas) I brought my flight forward
a day, it cost me 75quid but I do not care, I have been here one week
and I didn't see the sun at all until yesterday! Can you believe it??
It was dry but overcast for the wedding, that was good! And what a
wedding!!! Everyone had such a great time! Photos will follow soon :o)

Must go, see you soon :o)

...-=Dick to the Rescue... Again=-...

I often wondered what Richard emailed Mark a few months ago... Mark was so angry about it. I called Richard this afternoon and though I did wake him up (2:30am UK time!), he just said "So, I was right? And you were wrong?" I bursted out laughing then started crying. Despite my arguments with Richard and despite the many time we have called each other names... how is it that we can still forgive each other and remain as friends. I honestly dont know why I never deleted him on my facebook friends (apparently being deleted as a friend is a big thing!). I always thought that hey, he lives far away for me to delete him... he was nice to me... did good things to me and meant every single thing that he said. Yes, we've had huge arguments... really bad ones! But a single phone call fixes everything. I asked him if he can forward the email that he sent to Mark. He apologised for copying my email to him and including it to Mark's email, he said it was just to prove a point to Mark. I told him to forget about it.... I just want to know and see for myself how bad the email was and he said it wasnt actually that bad. Infact, he said it's something a decent person wouldn't need telling....

 

I've got the email now... and to be honest, it really wasnt that bad. I dont know why Mark over-reacted - oh yes, he didnt needed the stress cos he's ill! But after reading it and re-reading it... really, it isnt too bad at all... Infact it is a nice email. And yes, I have decided to post it here (of course with the permission of Richard!). I am also including part of my email that Richard attached to his email... just reading it now makes me feel sick! I loved him that much!!!

 

Hmmm.... here we go... you be the judge! Let me know if it is really that bad....

 

===================================================

 

From: Richard

To: markw
Sent: Sunday, 13 July, 2008 8:01:04 AM
Subject: Mate count yourself lucky

Mark,

 

I was on Skype with Anna till late today and mate, just learn to appreciate her more.

We all have our own pitfalls, yours is exceptional, but try to at least be kinder to her.

When you're hurting, she's hurting too. In fact she said she wishes she had your cancer.

I am not perfect to be saying all these things to you, I have been a bastard myself.

But she is a special girl. Treat her right.

If you don't want anything to do with her, no plans for her - let her go now.

I don't want her wasting her time. You should know that yourself, life is short.

She loves you mate. She deserves the best. I wish I realised that earlier on.

Too late for that now.

Either you appreciate her, respect her and love her.

OR, just be honest with her about things.

No more mucking around.

 

I care for her a lot... as a friend...

I just know how beautiful she is as a person.

 

Treat her right mate.

 

Good luck with your op on Monday anyway. She is really worried about you.

 

Richard

 

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Anna

To: Richard

Sent: Sunday, 13 July, 2008 3:26:34 AM
Subject: Re: AND... But...

Hmmm...,

 

Talk about having a chatting marathon!? You dont just do it in bed these days huh?! hehehe.... Thanks for the chat. I really appreciate you listening to me. And yes, I now understand what you're trying to say.... The things we do for love... but sometimes, yes, it makes us think, is it all worth it? I really do love him.... like OMG I really do! I would do anything - and I mean ANYTHING for him!!! But he's not in love with me and you're right... you cant force someone to be with you. I have done my best... I'm just gonna wait till the end of this month. For fark's sake Piley... I'M HOT and ATTRACTIVE!!! And there are guys out there dying to be with me!!! But I choose to be with a cold person who doesnt even like me. So what do we say... have I wasted a good few years? I dont want to think that... I'm now 31... (gosh, I am indeed!) Do you think I need to just let this thing go, it will hurt, I will cry rivers and rivers of tears... will be broken hearted for a few months... BUT at least will still be young enough when I've recovered and found the next love (though will not be as great as this one) and try to settle down as you have advised. Maybe you are right - I deserve someone who will want to be with me... love me and care for me... and have a "PROPER" relationship.... it's been years since I've been in a normal relationship.... tsk! I miss the normality of things sometimes....

 

 

NOW.... that we have spoken about these things/issues... I've decided to write down the pro's and cons:

 

Pro's:

 

*He inspires me to do better things

*He makes me happy

*He is a really nice person when he's feeling ok

*He is smart and very intellectual

*I have this emotional connection with him

*He most times understands me

*I can talk to him about everything

*He'll be a good father if ever..... (which is unlikely..)

*I see us as a Yin/Yang couple, hot and cold, up and down, negative and positive poles....

*I like how he can be compassionate towards others

 

Cons:

 

*He is emotionally unstable

*He has a pattern of failed relationships - same reason of breaking up - temper, ego's etc...

*He has a temper - but he's not as bad as before and YOU!

*He doesnt see me attractive enough to be his gf - I know...WTF?!

*He's not ready to be in a relationship - which AGAIN is understandable dont you think?

*His mood swings are crazy - but if you'll think about it... if you are in his situation... wouldnt you be????

*He can be selfish and too self-absorbed

 

OKAY... you know what Piley, despite all of those con's... I can still see myself being with him in the next 5-10, 20 years.... You'd think I'm crazy... but I'm not. I actually had this discussion with Vannie ages ago... I think it was the same last year.... And Vannie said, she's only hoping that he will one day learn to appreciate me.... You know what, I think he does... he just cant express himself as he's got too much on his mind, too much on his plate and just too much stuff up's which really he doesnt deserve.....

 

After reading this email... THINK... do you think I will ever break up with him? I love this guy... I love him so much and I would do anything to try to help him get better, stick with through the end of his battle... And in the end, if I dont get back anything... well, I just know that not many people appreciate kindness.... but karma will just bring it back to me 10 folds....

 

I'm sorry Piley, I'm tough as a coconut to break.... Stubborn like red wine on your white Gucci shirt... The things we do for love.... Yes, count him lucky... But I think I'm lucky to have him in my life as well.... Hard to explain... but I know I am.....

 

Take care Piley... Kisses to your little girl Gillian....

 

Anna xxx

 

...-=Twas Beautiful Then=-...

"I fell in love with someone very, very charming, and it was beyond all of our control.
I probably could have analysed it at the time and thought about how potentially damaging it could be,
but it was a very beautiful period of my life."

...-=The Last Rant=-...

I cant sleep cos everytime I close my eyes I think of things... Now I wish I didnt give him my sleeping tablets. I cant help but this of how this all ended up this way. Why it all happened in the first place. What made him change? What I did to make him change? Or who has been influencing him to change? I know his friends aren't too bad... some of them anyway.... I know that he's said a few things about me to some of his friends like Paola as she has changed the way she is now towards me whenever we see each other... a bit distant, aloof... unlike before when she'd be so happy and would even ask me to catch up with her sometime.... Not unless somebody else told her... but I'm not sure who. It shouldnt bother me anymore... all these questions would all be left unanswered.

 

But I'm sure the people out there who really wanted this to happen must be so happy now... They have finally succeeded in their evil plans of breaking up our friendship. What good will this do to them? I dont know... It's just probably the satisfaction that they have done something at least - as maybe their own lives are boring? To create drama perhaps....

 

But whatever it is... whoever it is or they are.... I hope they're all happy now.... It is over. And thanks for making it easy for me to let go.....

 

I often ask myself this question... what good do I benefit myself by being around him? And the answer is always - "I dont know..."

 

Enough said... May this be my final rant... I hope!

...-=Closing Doors=-...

I am sad but I know I will be okay.
I am hurting but I know that this will pass.
I am angry but I will not fail myself...
By giving in to these negative emotions...

I am sad cos I have lost a friend...
I am sad cos I know it will never be the same again.
I am sad cos I am now closing a chapter in my life
That I thought will be forever.

But in saying that, closing a door means opening a new one.
One cant just stay inside a room forever.

Life though painful sometimes is still beautiful.
You just have to look at the brighter side of things
And learn to count your blessings!

As I usually say... Carpe Diem!

Let's live life once again! :)

...-=At The End of The Day=-...

I have better things to look forward and prepare for...

 

Like Microsoft! :)

 

Now that wouldnt be a waste of my bloody time.....

 

Dear Vannia is probably drinking up for me in heaven...

Proud of me for being strong and for once standing up to him.

 

I feel your presence right now honey... and I can see you smiling up from heaven at me!

 

This is just the beginning of a another beautiful chapter of my life..... :)

...-=Encouragement From A Dear Friend=-...

From Kylie
To Me

"Yeah, you know.. The worst has already been and gone. You went through the hurt and the pain, months ago...
Now it is about focusing on yourself.
Enjoy being free!
Enjoy not having to worry and be upset any longer..
Enjoy knowing where you stand..
Enjoy not staying up till all hours trying to answer meanless questions.. You are finally allowed to embrace happiness Anna..
All the negativity is now gone.....
You can do whatever your heart desires, its YOUR life now :)...
You have finally taken it back......."

And I have... and I am making sure that no one - NOT ANYBODY - will manipulate me and hurt me as he has ever again!

...-=End It Now=-...

And now I'm accused for reading other people's emails and Facebooks!!!

WTF!!!

 

Just stop it now!!! I am so fuckin over it this shit!!!

 

STOP IT NOW!!!

...-=Cleansing and Healing=-...

And so it begins....

 

It is finally over... I was only asking for closure and it was never given to me.

Hence I have to decide that I will just have to do it anyway.

 

I have to love myself again.

I have given too much and yet though I knew that it will never be returned, I kept on giving.

 

It was hard and painful to do it.

Pressing the "send" button was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I cried... and still am crying...

But at the same time, I have to do it as I have cried enough for him already.

 

Why did he tell me that he loved me... that I was important to him when all of it was untrue?

I will never know.....

 

Why does he say bad things about me to some of his friends then say good things to the others?

I am so confused... but I dont want to know anymore....

 

It is time for the healing and the cleansing to begin.

 

I am no. 1 and will love myself again.

 

...-=Unrequitted Love=-...

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. Pablo Neruda

SONETO XVII No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego: te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma. Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores, y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra. Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo: así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

...-=Yellow=-...

'Tis indeed my favourite colour!!! Si! Si! Si!

 

And I'm looking forward to Spring which will be very very soon!

 

I had to remind myself of something yesterday and since I didn't had a pen and a paper, I thought I'd use my phone's memo pad... to which I found old notes and memo's from way back 2006!

 

I was more deep back then... and it made me think of what's happened to me?! I feel as if I've gone back my wayward ways! It reminded me of how Zen I was before... How I really do know how to think before I react and speak.... I wish I can have those days back.... they mean so much to me....

 

I feel empty and sad tonight..... save me!

...-=Cold Train Ride=-...

And she gave him a big hug and a kiss and bade him goodbye...

Rushing... walking so fast with no intention of looking back...

Fearing that he would see the tears and sadness in her eyes....

 

The ride on the way home was cold and miserable...

She remembered the last night they were in bed together.

His warm embrace... She misses that....

 

She cried... then she smiled....

 

It wont be too long.... and he will be back....

 

 

...-=And He's Left Once Again=-...

My dear MW has once again left the country to go to the magical land called India....

I miss him so very much already and would've gone with him... if not for my work commitments....

 

I'm sure he will be okay...

I'm hoping that he will have a good time after his treatments, he deserves a really good break!

 

I love him...

I miss him...

I love him...

 

And I only want one thing right now...

 

And that is for him to get 100% better!

 

Te echo mucho de menos Chew-dog.... Te quiero! Te queiro! Te queiro!

...-=The River=-...

...And she grabbed the branch hanging from the side of the river bed...

trying not to get dragged by the rapids... she clung tightly...

almost hurting her hands.. her palms....

 

She could not cry as she was confused with what's going on...

Waiting for the strong current to take her...

But she didn't want to let go...

 

Her instinct is telling her that she will be fine...

 

 

...-=Then I Breath=-...

I wandered back in the forest of Saria where I found my happy place.

Hoping to have it all back....

I was happy there for a while, the stillness of everything kept me calm and serene.

 

I found a river... crystal clean water...

I looked at my reflection and saw a tear in my eye...

 

How things have changed.

I have lost the innocence in me...

The smile that was always so expressive..

The sparkle in my eye.

 

Life has changed me... Love has worn me out...

 

I cried... then I breath...

 

I will never have it all back... but I will try....

 

 

...-=Not the End of the End=-...

The life of the child was cut short... though the child have had a few happy years. Years that he will carry on to the after-life. Though his parents were sad - devastated, the child was hoping that they would understand that all that has happened was for the best - for him. He will never experience the sadness and emptiness that grown-up's experience. He has left the human-world happy, innocent, angelic. He doesn't understand why the grown-up's were saying that "it was a shame... he never had the chance to grow up". The child was happy - he left the human world with no worries, no problems and with the final thought of having his last cuddle and kiss from his Mum.

It wasn't really the end for the child... it was just the beginning of some serious JOY business in heaven... together with the other cherubs.


If only the grown-up's understood... The child was in a better place...

...-=Where I Want To Be=-...

"When you surrender to what is and so become fully present, the past ceases to have any power. The realm of Being, which had been obscured by the mind, then opens up. Suddenly, a great stillness arises within you, an unfathomable sense of peace. And within that peace, there is great joy. And within that joy, there is love. And at the innermost core, there is the sacred, the immeasurable, That which cannot be named."
- Eckhart Tolle

I have been here... and I lost it again. I thought it was easy to live by it. But it's true what they say, that you work hard for happiness - and the hardest thing to do is to let go of the past... and not worry too much about the future... Forgive and forget...

I will get back there eventually, and will endeavour to keep the stillness, the peace, the realm of Being... and will always and forever have that big smile on my face.

...-=In The End=-...

After talking to my dear friend Sylvia... I realised that in the end... it doesn't matter what other people think...

 

She is right in saying that (roughly):

 

"Only you both know what's going on. You or he can say things about each other to others, but it will still come down to what is really happening between you. You don't need words to describe it, or talk about it - because it is there. You both feel it. Others wouldn't have a clue... but just judge on what's on the outside. As long as you're happy - you keep each other happy. Que es importante." - S.Palomar

 

He is great, inspiring, amazing, a tad crazy (but who isn't?) and I love him...

 

Have I told you he is exceptional?!

...-=Anger Management=-...

The reason why I don't like being angry and confrontation is that most times, when I'm angry I deliberately hurt people by saying things that I know would hurt them. I have done this in the past - not just once but a few many times, mostly when I was a lot younger. I get all fired up, blow off steam then feel bad - knowing that no matter how much I apologise, things will never be the same as I have hurt the person - emotionally, mentally.

I have been good the past couple of years with trying to control my temper, trying to be more patient and learning how to hold back anger when needed. Besides, who wants to feel angry and upset? The negative energy can wear you down and it can be so exhausting - bad for your healthy cells and most specially the soul.

Anger doesn't do any good to anyone. Not to the person who is angry nor the the person who is receiving the angry treatment. I am hoping to one day be as Zen and anger-free like the Monks in the temple of Thailand... Smiling is better - it wont give you any wrinkles, will make you look younger and having that look of contentment is the most beautiful and most attractive thing in a person.

Below is a story about a boy and his father teaching him about anger management... it made me think and smile... Keep smiling!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry," the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.


Source Unknown

...-= The Mystery of Love=-...

Love, no matter how simple we spell it, it will always be complex... I've never seen love as simple. It's like going to an amusement park and watching and experiencing all these pleasant, happy and sometimes scary feelings. It's exhilarating!

I never want my love to be simple - I think I'll get bored of it. I've always been the kind of person who likes the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen next! Mind you though, I don't like arguments - I dislike fighting and arguing and the sadness that you feel inside right there and then... I don't mind petty quarrels... it is normal. You test each others limits then learn about the other person afterwards - and the make-up kiss and cuddle is always nice. I've been in a relationship where there were no arguments and I'm telling you now, it is NOT normal. You can never be happy all the time - that's unreal! I find that no matter how Zen someone is, they still do get upset and sometimes feel sad or a bit angry - just ask the Dalai Lama! It's okay to be angry... it's okay to be sad... it's not okay if you are feeling both emotions quite often though....

I guess that's how I'm feeling towards MW. I really do love him... And no matter how many times I'd get angry, go crazy and mental about stupid things - no matter how many times I'd say that I'm sick of his shit - my love for him will never change. I really do love him... And I know for a fact... Some people would do anything to break my heart - say things about him... I will get angry, get upset - but I've learnt that I just have to talk to him about it... I trust him... and believe him... No reason why he would lie...

Some people say that I am crazy to still be so much in love with him... but really, they have no clue... Why I love him is something that "simple people" would never understand - it will be a mystery to them... But for some of my close friends it is not complex at all... He's given me the most important gift anybody can ever get in their lives - and that is learning about patience, love, understanding and being strong in the toughest moments in life....

Simple but complex - that is him... And I love him with all my heart.. the deepest part of my soul...

I love you Chewmeister!