Saturday, December 27, 2008

...-=It Has Begun=-...

My brain is rejecting all sorts of feelings for any man that I know. On my way home yesterday from my Mum's house my brain - my thought was blank. It wasn't thinking of anything at all or anyone in particular. It was just admiring the view of Olympic Park... how I've never been there and how big the place was. Thinking, how it would be so busy if Australia was to host the Football World Cup... :)

Then I realised, "Wow! For the first time, I'm not thinking about men!" And have decided to count how long this would last... Up to now, there isnt any thought of it at all. I dont miss anyone and dont really like anyone in particular. I think my brain - my thought and my heart has already reconciled for once... I am now ready to start my journey as a single girl... This would be so much fun! :)

2009 is a very promising year.. As 2009 will be devoted to myself cos I am No. 1. :) I have always thought of others first before thinking about myself. But this time I would be focusing on what I really want to do, and where I really want to be. I have to be so patient with myself cos I can be so much of a "mentalist" sometimes. :) It will be a great challenge trying to know myself again. But it will all be worth it in the end. I will be so happy to know me once again.

I'm waiting for the day when I can say: "Congratulations to meet you, Anna! " :)

Friday, December 26, 2008

...-=In 2009=-...

I was talking to a special person today on YM and whilst talking to him, I have realised what I really wanted to do with myself and with my life. Rediscover myself once again just like the way I did when I went to Europe. Next year, 2009 will be my spiritual year. The year when I'll try to find myself in the lost pile of anger, frustration and sadness. I dont have much of those, but it seems that it occupies my mind - too toxic for the self.

Next year I will be focusing more on meditating and will not rely on companion with this. I will try and do this by myself the way I've done it before. I will also try and get rid of the ego once more... My life was way more peaceful and happy without it. I was more focused, more awake, more alert. I will not look for love cos love is within me... love is me.

Next year I will not look back on past mistakes and blame myself for the hurt it has caused me. 2009 is all about letting go and moving on. It is about forgiving and forgetting but making sure that I keep all the lessons I have learnt.

2009 is all about rediscovering myself and living in bliss... Finding my way home...

It is indeed a very promising year... :)

Carpe Diem!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

...-=Digg This=-...

So... I learnt something last night... that if you cant give it to me, I can get it elsewhere if I really want it. And this applies to all rules in life. I guess it's similar to the saying: "Where there's a will, there's a way." Hmmm... I love it!

I've had the best Friday and Saturday night! Friday night, Anita and Pen dragged me out of my hang-over state (work Xmas lunch party) and went to a few Xmas parties from Bondi to the city and back to the Cross at Hugo's. I had so much fun (and drinks) and OMG... I dont know what was going on... but it was raining of Swedish men at Hugo's! There was a big group of them who arrived on Thursday (apparently) and they just saw us sitting quietly (being a girls night out - no men are allowed), they invited themselves to our table and just started talking. Okay, I have this thing about Swedish men - their accent drives me totally insane! So anyway, since it was our girls night, we had to shoo them away... though one of them was persistent and I got his number and invited him to Tatlers for Saturday's Naughty Santa - told him he cant take his friends though as it's already packed. Johan - ja! :p

Saturday, hmmm! I was hot! Haha! I took the theme too seriously and played naughty the whole night. Chewie sent me an email this morning saying I was as sly as a fox last night... hmm.. I wonder what he meant by that?! But anyway, I met another Swedish guy last night and his name is once again - Johan - ja! :p Dont know what's with me and Swedish guys lately... hehehe.... It's always nice to know that I've still got it. :) NICE! hehehe....

Today is recovery day. Well, I got home at 6am! The sun was out when I got home and I went home without my flatmate. I was thinking she'd be home but nope, I was the first one home and I was giggling thinking that we kept our promise to ourselves last night that we'll be hot and naughty! Oh dear... the things we get up to! I fell asleep around 6:30am, then woke up around 9am... contemplated of going to Imanju for coffee but when I tried to get up, my face fell back into my pillow - I guess I was hung-over. So I just posted photos on FB instead and talked to some people on Skype (hi Jenna!) I heard the front door open around 11am and it was my flatmate.. she is so funny! Dressed up as Mrs Santa but all too messed up. She said she was hanging out with my friends Adam and Adam at Darling Point. She can barely remember what we got up to last night but we try to fill in the blanks. Told her about my mischiefs and she was just laughing at me. Around 12pm, we decided to go back to bed. I then woke up at around 3:30pm.. Feeling like a koala and starving like I havent eaten for such a long time! So I invited a friend over and asked him to bring a DVD with him and we just chilled out on the couch eating chocolates and drinking soda. I'll try not to drink alcohol till NYE... will try!

I had a great weekend! Carpe diem! :)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

...-=The Rollercoaster Ride of Love=-....

I spoke to Addie last night after spending some time at the ranch trying to keep myself busy. I got home around 12 midnight and Addie was online Skype (where the hell is everyone from Europe these days???). He was laughing at me, telling me that I always get sucked up to this crazy thing called love - I love the feeling of being in-love! I was going to argue at first but decided not to, but instead just agreed... because it is so true! I am dependent on the feeling of being in-love! I thrive on it... I live on it! I know it sounds pathetic... but I love the feeling of being in-love.

I guess my friends main concern is the fact that I always fall for the wrong guy. Even Piley who's their friend apparently is the not the right man cos he's a bastard and a womanising one at that too! There is nothing wrong with feeling in-love... if it makes you happy. I mean yes, some people get so dillusional about it and that's how it all goes wrong. But I think with my case, I just get sucked up to it. Literally! Like OMG.... I'm so liking this person right now. Like a car who's lost it's breaks and with it's gears not working.... I run into a tree or a pole or a wall. Reality hits afterwards. And then love isnt so perfect. And Anna is a perfectionist (hence she is now in Events Management). The up's and down's of love... it can be so messy... but I don't mind. I fall in-love so easy... and again I don't mind. I think what's important is that I'm happy and making other people happy and not hurting other people. I am just a loving person. I am full of love.... Let me rephrase that - I, Anna, is Love.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

...-=And So It Goes=-....

And despite the happy front, this is how I'm really feeling inside....

It sucks... it really does. And unlike some functions on MS Word or Excel, you can't undo any mistakes.
Regrets... Hmmm, maybe for the first time in my life I will do. But I'm not sure yet. December is not the time to be harbouring hard feelings and being bitter about life and love.
But it does sucks - BIG TIME!!! I need a cuddle.....

...-=Whirlpool=-...

But this is how Anna's brain runs.... a front loader washing machine.



It's got different functions too. Pre-soak, soak, wash, rinse, spin-dry, tumble-dry. Gentle wash, regular wash and heavy duty. Cold wash and Warm wash.



Also my brain tends to start something then end up not finishing it cos it finds something else to do... This mostly happens when I try to meditate. It would think, silence your thoughts... it will be silent for a while - about 10 seconds. Then it will start thinking, think of happy thoughts.. which it would gladly do... then will think of other things like,"oh yeah, I was in Europe then... I was so happy... I wonder what Violet's doing... oh and Paco's club! yeah...." So then the meditation is gone...



But I have a very active mind... it drives me a tad bit crazy at times. Like now, I'm thinking.. I want some sweets! But my other side of the brain is thinking, "but you've almost finished the box of chocolates in the kitchen already!" Then it would start to argue with me. I know, you guys must think.. "yeah, she's going to the looney bin soon.." but I dont think I'm that bad... at all.... A bit out there... Like they say, "Anna is not your typical kind of girl"... I am not. :)

...-=And It Comes Around=-...

I read this somewhere and I noticed myself grinning, nodding, thinking to myself: "hell yeah!"... This is what I read: "If you don't like my fire, don't come around."

I agreed to it... I need to be with someone who wont get burnt when they come close to me but instead would feel my warmth. :)

I am now washing my hands in a basin with lavander buds floating... loving the sweet smell of it! :)

Om shanti... shanti... shanti....

...-=Banged=-...

So I was told that I am the kind of person (or woman) who likes to stir the pot... and wait for a reaction. It is a bad thing you know... I try to get a reaction from people and subconsequently suffer from it. I want to punch myself in the face right now... but I cant cos I dont want to get a bruise. But, I have once again punished myself for being an idiot.

*silence* *Anna's in deep thought*

Okay, I shouldn't have told myself that I am an idiot, cos I'm not. I do love and respect myself you know... But yes, sometimes I can be so silly. I need to control my temper and my emotions. I am over-flowing with emotions right now and need to get it out of my system in a good way. *sings - "Ive got so much love to give...."*

So... moving forward, let this be a lesson that you wont forget. Dont be too hard on other people... and stop crushing other people's balls - men in particular! Specially when you dont mean it....

I'm sorry.... I really am.... And if I can take it all back, I would. I really like you and it's hard not to have you around.... we had (so much) endless possibilities and I'm scared I have thrown in out the window... And I feel so sad. Really sad.... I'm so sorry.....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

...-=Messed Up=-...

So... I think I stuffed up something which was actually good. But like others say, if it's meant to be, then it will come back. I may have pushed someone nice away... but if he comes back, then maybe I'll try to keep him for good. I really like him, and I have quite been open and honest to him about it. It's not easy you know... I've been through so much shit in my life before. Trusting someone can be quite difficult. Not having him around doesn't give me that security. Not knowing how he really feels because I cant see it doesn't help either. I mean, you can just talk and say things... but how would you know if it's real? How would you know if it's not just words said out loud just so that he can keep me hanging out there... keeping me keen? All these questions in my mind... it's messing up with the way how I feel towards this person. All these confusion is driving me up the wall! I hate this feeling... but in some ways I'm not too fussed - well, I am but trying not too be too fussed. My advantage is he's not around. "Out of sight, out of mind."

How did all these happen? Well, if you like someone and they're far away from you... you would want to know how they are. You would want to know what they're doing? Not in a stalkerish way... but you would somehow be interested and would want to know wouldn't you. You would think about them, and let them know because you know deep inside that they'd be happy to hear about it. I know these because I do this... but lately I find that I'm the one who's doing most of the work. How is this fair?

I have given so much before and I don't think I'm ready to be giving all of myself away again... Not until I know... I feel that it will be reciprocated... that I feel that at least I will get back some of it... I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again.

Monday, December 15, 2008

...-=Spinning Around=-...

I refuse to admit to myself that I am confused with my so-called-c0mplicated- life - only cos my life shouldn't be complicated. I just want to learn how to cope being single and not yearn and long for affection when I'm by myself. I mean, I know for a fact that I am happy being single. I actually enjoy being single for once. But every now and then I miss the affection... the hugs, cuddles and lil kisses (I don't miss sex - I don't know why!). This is when things gets complicated (I can hear Piley laughing already - hold your horses lad!). I am friends with most of my ex bf's, (all except for one, who's name I will not note here on my blog because he is nobody for me. I don't hate him, I dont dislike him. I actually have no feelings for him...) and every time I want to get some affection, I call them and they get all excited and gives me attention and the cuddles. I love flirting... and I have to admit that I am a very affectionate person. I just love snuggling up and holding and touching the person close to my heart. But I dont have that at the moment, and that's what I miss, hence I get into trouble. *nods* I know... I am a sucker for cuddles... not much for kisses - I like them too... but I really must like the guy for me to kiss them... or if I'm really really drunk then yeah, I go for it too. I don't know... I have two favourite ex's.. MW and MB (Piley, you're my fave back in EU - I'm going by continents here! :p). Well, I wouldn't say MB is my favourite - but he gives me the most affection. I think he enjoys my company cos I drive him totally insane. I tease him till he gets really grumpy then takes it out on me by tickling me then I start to tickle him back and we'll end up as a human ball! No kissing though... just hugs, tickles and cuddles. MW I would say is my most favourite as he makes me laugh. He challenges my brain by giving me tasks to do. He is never boring. MB is a bit dull compared to him. MW makes me use my brain more... makes me do research work for his projects and gosh do I learn a lot from it. From proposals, procurement matrix's and law materials and research... I don't mind helping him out as I learn a lot from him too. Here's the problem, which really if I'll think about it, is not a problem at all.... I know he still likes me and I have no problem with that (or do I?) and I like him and will always care for him cos what we've had before was more than just a relationship. It was more than a really good friendship, but we both know that we will never make each other happy completely. Which is a bit sad... though we still enjoy each other's company and doing stuff together. BUT we are not affectionate towards each other anymore. I just like the fact that he stimulates my brain... he gives me lil kisses on my face - cheeks, forehead, nose but never on the lips. He gives me side-hugs... you know, the type of hug where people grab you from the side and hugs you. He is so scared to show affection, cos he is scared that we'd get back into the black hole that we were once before. And it was disastrous, and we know that. We are not toxic towards each other, but at the same time we just cant be together. BUT I have to stop this affection grabbing and mind stimulating from ex boyfriend craziness now as it's not fair on them and I'm not really letting them or myself move on. PLUS I like this guy. I guess it sort of doesnt really help cos he's not here with me. I need the physical connection... I mean words are nice, but it's different when you actually feel it... when you can touch the person, see the person and hold them close to you.

Writing this makes my head spin.... I am not lost... not confused... just needy.

There... I have said it! Happy now Piley?! :p

Thursday, December 11, 2008

...-=London and All=-...

In just a few weeks, it will be Christmas, and I haven't started on my Christmas shopping yet. I have no clue what to get family and friends this year. Socks good enough? :p Also... I sort of miss Piley. I was on Facebook yesterday and saw photos of Piley with Addie and I sort of started to miss them, their company. Those two makes me laugh till I cry (hmmm, I suppose magic mushrooms gives the same effect?!) and just their warm company. They way they reassure me during tougher times. I miss London too. Kensington, Chelsea and Notting Hill. Just going to the pub and hanging out with the lads whilst watching football or rugby or going to Cafe Montpeliano in Knightsbridge for brunch after a big night out... Or just hanging out with Piley and constantly arguing about our ex's! hehehe.... Our banters are always crazy as, but we love it! He is indeed a good sport! :)

Missing my English lads.... Merry jolly holidays as they would say. Have a pint for me! x

...-=Reading=-...

I used to love reading books before. Novels and Biographies.. Self-help books and other New Age stuff... Then for some unknown reason, I lost the passion. I would try to read a book every now and then and find that I get up to reading half of it, then stop reading it all together. The book is not boring, I'm just not into reading it. Till I went to Chewie's ranch and grabbed the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I can feel that I will finish this book in no time.. but at the same time, trying not to read it too fast cos I dont the story to finish....

I'm still on her Italy Chapter and OMG... she reminds me of myself when I went to Europe... when I was in Poland, trying to cut loose old pain and heartaches and forgetting the person who I love so very much. I'm looking forward to the India Chapter as apparently it is thought provoking and quite a challenging experience for her. Learning how to meditate and practicing it can be challenging - I know this for a fact! Indonesia is where she found love apparently. Hmmm... LOVE. Though complicated, like Life... it is beautiful. I will never get tired of loving. Though there has been times when I do resent it and have feelings of spite for it. But love, if it's good and true can be so beautiful. It can be such a wonderful feeling.

Anyway, it's now my lunch break. Better get something to eat and get back to reading my book. I am now in the part where she has finally told David that she is letting him go and that she is giving him her blessing if he decides to find someone new to love. I swear I was on the train, reading it and I can feel her pain. I used to once have it and feel it. And though the love was good... I would never want to be in that same situation ever again.