I may have lost two friends early this year... one from terminal cancer and the other cos she has no sense of living her life anymore... no, she didnt commit suicide... but it's something like that. She is now a living dead. She sees no use for her life, and is dead inside though partying and living her life to the verge where it will lead nowhere and like she said... she has no plans and goals and for me to not care and to leave her alone. And although it's sad... I'll leave her be. What Bernie said was true about trying to help her out... there's no point helping her out if she doesnt want to help herself out. And sadly, I'm over it. I dont want to be forever the babysitter... Life is too short to be guiding someone who's old enough to not care about their lives. I have my own life to live, my own life to manage, own life to sort out.
In saying that, I am currently reflecting of the things that I have done for myself the past year '07. And I can say that I have done good for myself. Found a more challenging and rewarding job and getting back the love of my life. Also having found that I am more responsible than I was before. I found more sense of direction, knew what my actual goals are and knew what my priorities and what is important in my life. I can say that the trip to Europe by myself was the total soul search that I really needed. I found myself when I was back there and I realised that though life is tough at times... it's not that bad at all. I've been through so much the past year 2006... I was in the brink of breaking down and getting stuck in a rut. Thanks to the many people who has been supportive of me and the people who loved me and still does. They set me free for me to find myself again... they made me find my purpose in life... made me find why I am here. Some of them has gone... for a reason and I although it's sad I have to deal with it... infact, she is now in a happier place. And I know that whatever happens, she will always be with me in spirit all the time... for the rest of my life.
Since Vannia passed away, I've realised how much I love the people around me. How much they all mean to me. I realised how valuable life is... having to tell someone you love and you care for that you love them. I have tried to tell a close friend how much I love them and care for them and to help them realise how life is precious and how it should not be wasted... but she doesnt get it and it's sad. But maybe its because she doesnt see life the way I see it now. And although I still care for her, I will not do anything more as I have tried to help her already and it's time for me to move on with my life.
I have realised that it's ok to help others but to an extent. Sometimes we help others too much that it gets bad for them. Cos they then get too dependent or they think that we're just nagging them. Sometimes it's good for people to learn from their own mistakes. It will hurt so bad... but they will never forget the lesson. I learned the hard way... I always do. Infact, there's still a lot more that I will learn about in life. Rejections may it be in my career or in my personal life. But what I've learned is, "what wont kill you will make you stronger". Though... I'm quite scared of where I am right now... what I have right now... Marky. He holds part-whole of my happiness. I dont know what will happen to me if something happens... Right now, I'm just happy to have him and I'm just enjoying every single moment I share with him. It's different losing your bestfriend than losing your partner. Losing Vannia was a big blow to me. It was losing someone who you know loves you and cares for you. It's losing half of your life. The way I see things, I still have the other half of me... in Mark. The being that makes me complete. I am happy inside... but happier to know that I have Mark... Happiest when I had Vannia. I know I still have other friends who loves me, but what Vannia and I had was something else. We really connected. She was always there for me... she accepted me for who I am... she knew I was crazy, I was a pain in the arse... but she wouldnt leave my side. Marky was right with telling me that she was the only one who really reached out to help me when I was in need of all of my friends. And it's sad knowing that she's no longer around to cheer me up or to give me the nudge when I'm feeling like looney bitch. But life has to go on.... Life will not stop for me... and I dont want to be left behind.
Life for me is achieving your goal of being happy and content inside. Life for me is knowing and feeling secured. Life for me is family, friends and your loved ones. Not money... money is not everything. Life for me is having found the happiness within yourself... and it's never easy to find... there are a lot of obstacles you go through to find it... but it's worth going through them all... cos it will make you stronger... it will make you realise the importance of life... the importance of having those people around you.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
...-=Black and White... No Gray Matter=-...
I was so upset when I heard the news about Vannia's passing away... in fact I am still so sad about it. I cant imagine not hearing her voice anymore... I cant imagine not hearing her crazy and loud laughter or shall I say clucking. Little things like that makes me feel sad. But like what Gary and Marky said, she doesnt want to see me sad or upset. Besides, she's now in a better place. It's hard writing about her here now. The fact that I know that she will no longer be reading my blog. She is the only person who reads this anyway... and maybe some of my friends back in Europe too... if they have the time that is.
Losing Vannia made me think and realise what friendship truly means though. It's true how Vannia and I had our up's and down's... crazy fights and silly arguments. But despite of all that, we knew that we loved each other. Vannia was the kind of person who forgives and forgets... specially if she loves you. She was the kind of friend who even if you had a big fight over something stupid probably... would come and get you if you're stuck somewhere... even if you're out of her way and give you a big hug and check and see if you're OK. She was a very selfless person. She was very giving and she was very thoughtful. She would tell you if you looked like a dag if you're really looking like one BUT in saying that she would make sure that you'd get changed and will be wearing something stunning to redeem yourself... shame we didnt had the same shoe size... she had a size 10 feet!!! She was a very beautiful person... a very beautiful friend... a very beautiful being sent from above!
Losing Vannia made me realise how little friends I have. How not all of my friends are truly my friends. How some of them dont really know who I am... and maybe will never understand me or have the patience that she had for me. It makes me more sad just thinking about that. So true... Shai once said, Vannia said I was her soulmate. Maybe she was my soulmate. I never had to hide my feelings from her... I can never do it. She knows when I'm sad, troubled or pissed off. She can tell behind my smiling face. She said she can read my eyes. She can tell just by one look. She said she can read right through me. And I miss that. I miss ot having to tell her about my stories cos she would prompt me anyway. I dont have to tell her... cos she will want to know and would bug me to speak out. I will miss her so much! The fact that she was such a stunner and she didnt give a damn! She knew she was hot... but like she said she wants to be daggy every now and then just to even things out and be fair. She didnt care if she was pretty... in fact she never took advantage of her beauty. Well... yes, she was in some magazines and she walked the catwalk a few times... but that never got in her head. She was so humble... so kind. Though she can be crazy too!!! She wasnt perfect! She would drive Gary crazy! Drove her Maserati like a looney! She drove me nuts! And she made sure that when she does... it will sink in and that we wont forget that she can be crazy too! But she never intended to harm other people along the way. She knew when to stop... when to let go... And thats what I loved about her. I cant help but think how Vannia is so easy to understand. She has no mood swings... well, except when she's coming down and recovering from a big night out! But she is so black and white... I never once asked her to explain herself because there was no need... she is so transparent. And I think thats what everyone who knew her loved about her. She's so down to earth, and very considerate of others feelings... She loved who I love because she knows that person makes me happy. She understood how I felt when I said I was in love because she said she has loved already and she knew how it felt and that I should just cherish the person and the feeling cos if it goes away... it seldom comes back.. and if it does... it's never the same. And it's true... no one can ever replace Vannia... she is one of a kind. I have never told her that she is a precious gift to me too... I should have though.... she always tell people that I am to her but she didnt realise how much her friendship meant to me!!!
Vannie... JÁ Amor tebe tolik!!! Tebe vůle vždycky být doma má srdce.... Tebe vůle vždycky být doma má srdce!!!
I hope my Czech was correct... if not, just correct me when we see each other again. I love you my Vannie-kins!!! So very much!!! And I miss you so very much already!!! But I'll never forget what you last told me before Christmas... that I will never lose you... because you will always be in my heart... and that you are the little angel on my right shoulder.. telling me that it's OK to be naughty every now and then. I will miss our giggling fits that no one understands... but just us! I will miss US!!!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU IVANIA ELISKA MLIEZIVOVA.... YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!!!
Losing Vannia made me think and realise what friendship truly means though. It's true how Vannia and I had our up's and down's... crazy fights and silly arguments. But despite of all that, we knew that we loved each other. Vannia was the kind of person who forgives and forgets... specially if she loves you. She was the kind of friend who even if you had a big fight over something stupid probably... would come and get you if you're stuck somewhere... even if you're out of her way and give you a big hug and check and see if you're OK. She was a very selfless person. She was very giving and she was very thoughtful. She would tell you if you looked like a dag if you're really looking like one BUT in saying that she would make sure that you'd get changed and will be wearing something stunning to redeem yourself... shame we didnt had the same shoe size... she had a size 10 feet!!! She was a very beautiful person... a very beautiful friend... a very beautiful being sent from above!
Losing Vannia made me realise how little friends I have. How not all of my friends are truly my friends. How some of them dont really know who I am... and maybe will never understand me or have the patience that she had for me. It makes me more sad just thinking about that. So true... Shai once said, Vannia said I was her soulmate. Maybe she was my soulmate. I never had to hide my feelings from her... I can never do it. She knows when I'm sad, troubled or pissed off. She can tell behind my smiling face. She said she can read my eyes. She can tell just by one look. She said she can read right through me. And I miss that. I miss ot having to tell her about my stories cos she would prompt me anyway. I dont have to tell her... cos she will want to know and would bug me to speak out. I will miss her so much! The fact that she was such a stunner and she didnt give a damn! She knew she was hot... but like she said she wants to be daggy every now and then just to even things out and be fair. She didnt care if she was pretty... in fact she never took advantage of her beauty. Well... yes, she was in some magazines and she walked the catwalk a few times... but that never got in her head. She was so humble... so kind. Though she can be crazy too!!! She wasnt perfect! She would drive Gary crazy! Drove her Maserati like a looney! She drove me nuts! And she made sure that when she does... it will sink in and that we wont forget that she can be crazy too! But she never intended to harm other people along the way. She knew when to stop... when to let go... And thats what I loved about her. I cant help but think how Vannia is so easy to understand. She has no mood swings... well, except when she's coming down and recovering from a big night out! But she is so black and white... I never once asked her to explain herself because there was no need... she is so transparent. And I think thats what everyone who knew her loved about her. She's so down to earth, and very considerate of others feelings... She loved who I love because she knows that person makes me happy. She understood how I felt when I said I was in love because she said she has loved already and she knew how it felt and that I should just cherish the person and the feeling cos if it goes away... it seldom comes back.. and if it does... it's never the same. And it's true... no one can ever replace Vannia... she is one of a kind. I have never told her that she is a precious gift to me too... I should have though.... she always tell people that I am to her but she didnt realise how much her friendship meant to me!!!
Vannie... JÁ Amor tebe tolik!!! Tebe vůle vždycky být doma má srdce.... Tebe vůle vždycky být doma má srdce!!!
I hope my Czech was correct... if not, just correct me when we see each other again. I love you my Vannie-kins!!! So very much!!! And I miss you so very much already!!! But I'll never forget what you last told me before Christmas... that I will never lose you... because you will always be in my heart... and that you are the little angel on my right shoulder.. telling me that it's OK to be naughty every now and then. I will miss our giggling fits that no one understands... but just us! I will miss US!!!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU IVANIA ELISKA MLIEZIVOVA.... YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!!!
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