Thursday, December 31, 2009

...-=2009=-...

It's 3:24am here in Sydney and this is my last entry for the year 2009. So many things have happened this year with lots of smiles, laughter and a few goodbyes and tears. I can't sleep and I just thought maybe I'd write something here.... The last hurrah for 2009!

2009 started quite well with some friendships flourishing and a couple just waned off. It was the inevitable. Career wise was challenging but I have managed to get my act together, get the courage to move away from my comfort zone and say goodbye to a pretty toxic work environment. I'm now on to a better one but I have bigger dreams and goals for 2010 and I'm so looking forward to it!

Drum roll on..... Love life!!! where do I start???? I was not planning of falling in love and yet it happened. Slowly but surely. I found my confidante, lover, bestfriend and soul mate in him... but as the song goes... "some good things never last...." We are still friends, he just had to move away interstate to find himself, for personal and spiritual growth. I will always be fond of him and will always have a special place in my heart.

I also said goodbye to an old love of mine.... He had to go away to fix himself health wise. It was so painful as he was the love of my life. This guy has given me the strength to become a better person... a stronger person. He has made me realise how much I should value myself. How I deserve to be happy. These were the things that he has never given me but made me realise that I deserve so much better than him. Despite all that, I loved him and to be honest, I still do. I have just realized that I can love him in a different level in a different way. The most important thing I have learnt from him is forgiveness. I have learnt to forgive him for hurting me... but most important of all, that I have learnt to forgive myself... for loving someone so blindly..

The year 2009 was enriching... I think the year 2009 wasn't so bad at all despite all the challenges work wise. The year 2009 has brought me abundance in the quality of friendships if anything. A heart full of love and a soul at peace with my mind. I cried a couple of times in times of despair... but most of all cried cos the pain of saying goodbye to two of the most influential guys in my life... M and M's! Same initials.. MW's... but both completely different personalities. One has taught me the lesson to be gentler on myself and the other taught me to learn how to be open and to love again but in a healthier way... both have made me happy and have left great and wonderful memories that I will forever cherish.

But as 2009 leaves... I will have to let them go. Not as if they are leaving me behind.. but I am setting them free to be a part of my very blue skies!

Goodbye 2009! You have been good to me. Welcome 2010! I am looking forward to a year full of love and much more happiness with my family and friends. I am hoping to reunite with my soul mate but I am not holding my breath. I have learnt that I really shouldn't be dwelling on the past, it has already come and gone and have left me memories so sweet and that I have the present to enjoy and cherish and enrich and a future so bright it's worth looking forward to! At the end of the day, I believe that if things are meant to be, life has its way of making things work out.

For now all I can say is "Carpe Diem!"

Bring in 2010!!! A bigger and a brighter decade!!!

Wishing each and everyone of you much love and light.... xxx

Sunday, December 27, 2009

...-=If Only=-...

I sometimes wish my family life isn't as complicated like my friends. I love them to bits and they are my life but sometimes I just cant seem to understand why they make their lives so complicated. I dont think they will ever understand the way I think sometimes. I just want to live life as stress free as I can. I am so different from my family. I think thats why sometimes I can stand not seeing them for weeks and sometimes a couple of months. It's not that I am distancing myself away from their worries, but sometimes they just worry too much. All the petty things.. they cant let it go. I cant live like them. I mean I'm happy when I'm with them but I also cant be with them for too long. Like Michael said yesterday, go somewhere quiet - leave.... But there's no other place where I can go where its quiet around here. I think thats why I will not be able to live with them. They are happy and content with the way things are... running around, television's on pretty much the whole day, people talking all the time, mess everywhere, Mum upset cos of the mess everywhere, Dad's grumpy cos we dont want to hang out with his f*ked up family, the kids running screaming jumping around, NO PLACE TO GO TO SEEK FOR SOLITUDE!!! Not unless I go to sleep and then there's peace and quiet in my dreams. I dont know... life's too complicated... it will never be easy. But I seek for more patience. They are my family after all... a part of me... the only once I ever got.

Monday, December 14, 2009

...-=And So I Reflect=-...

**Taken from A Course In Miracles**

"Memory belongs to time and the passage of time. The past, upon which the world is built; the nebulous future which is, however, stamped with the past before it eventuates; and somewhere in between, the present, fading into insignificance under the weight of past and future which together overshadow the fleeting ineffectual present moment."

"And what is there is Life, an eternity of Life being Itself. The Self of Life, the Christ Self, in many forms, as many as can be imagined, but always and ever Itself. We step out of time into eternity: into present moment awareness."

We remember NOW.


Michael sent me an email last Saturday which I sort of didnt understand because my reasoning was from the ego and not from my inner being. But I read it again... and again... and again... for about almost 20x, I kid you not! And I only just got it today... then I understood the meaning and his reasoning behind the email. Here's part of what he wrote that upset me so much:

"...dont miss me. may i suggest working on any feelings of loss as they come up by thinking stuff like:

1: i am always connected to (this person, everyone, everything,my source, to god)
2: there is no loss here in this situation involving (whatever), i could look at this a different way
3: whatever i thought i had lost i reclaim it now, that feeling of (whatever) is within me now
4: this feeling of sadness, loss etc i want it to turn around right now into something good and i want it to feel really good ..right now
5: i am willing to see this differently, there is a blessing behind this"

I was so silly... If only I've thought about it before trying to feel it. In a typical person's mind, this is painful... but if you would look at it and try to not just understand it but feel it not with your ego but with your inner Being, there is love within it. I have confirmed this correct because Michael wrote to me again this afternoon... explaining the whole thing... and it did made sense... and I laughed inside thinking.. the ego is never happy, always judgemental, it is not kind. It is always jealous...

I am trying to go ahead and take that little step forward.... Baby steps.. little steps.... On my way to happiness and understanding of life and the logic of love once again.

I am free, but sometimes I do need guidance....


Thursday, December 10, 2009

...-=And It Is As It Was=-...

My posts lately tells you of a departure of someone so dear to me... and it pains me so much. And yes it it that and it is true. I have come into conclusion that yes, I am suffering from separation anxiety. If only he was a bit mean and cruel to me then maybe his departure wouldnt be too hard on me.

It hurts so much it pains me inside and it's driving me insane at the moment. I am depressed at the moment and I am accepting the feeling. It is the given experience and I should learn from it.

As dark as it may sound... I have given myself to it. Pray that I redeem myself completely before it swallows me whole.

Bless my soul.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

...-=And That's The Way It Goes=-...

I cried tonight.... and cried... and cried... and cried... Till there's no more tears left to cry. I wish I could stop but I couldn't. My emotion's has gone mad.

I wish I can stop missing him... and thinking about him...

I wish he'd just come back and not leave ever again.

Like a beautiful thing thats so close to your heart... he's so hard to let go.

But like the saying goes... " If you love someone set them free, and if they return then it's meant to be."

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me this year... and I feel grateful for having him as a part of my life...

Monday, December 07, 2009

...-=The Addendum=-...

All I can say is... nothing in this world can match the power of love and its beliefs. As crazy as it can get, sometimes all we can really do is believe and have faith.

Wait, does that make sense at all..??? Even I dont know anymore.... But I love him and I believe.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

...-=And Such Is The Case=-...

And so he is gone after the other has left. They are both gone but their smell and their presence can still be felt by me. Is it possible that the heart can beat for two? As I think mine does. It's so hard to explain the feeling of being alone. I can not say if I get lonely but it's hard to get used to the silence. It's like having an awkward conversation with yourself - when all you can do is small talk and answer in one lines and ask silly questions such as: "so... do you do stuff?"

Hmmm... I miss them both. But I know that my heart is lying to one of them. I dont know which one's which... But it doesn't matter. In my heart, deep inside MY heart... I love them both!