...-=Banged=-...

So I was told that I am the kind of person (or woman) who likes to stir the pot... and wait for a reaction. It is a bad thing you know... I try to get a reaction from people and subconsequently suffer from it. I want to punch myself in the face right now... but I cant cos I dont want to get a bruise. But, I have once again punished myself for being an idiot.

*silence* *Anna's in deep thought*

Okay, I shouldn't have told myself that I am an idiot, cos I'm not. I do love and respect myself you know... But yes, sometimes I can be so silly. I need to control my temper and my emotions. I am over-flowing with emotions right now and need to get it out of my system in a good way. *sings - "Ive got so much love to give...."*

So... moving forward, let this be a lesson that you wont forget. Dont be too hard on other people... and stop crushing other people's balls - men in particular! Specially when you dont mean it....

I'm sorry.... I really am.... And if I can take it all back, I would. I really like you and it's hard not to have you around.... we had (so much) endless possibilities and I'm scared I have thrown in out the window... And I feel so sad. Really sad.... I'm so sorry.....

...-=Messed Up=-...

So... I think I stuffed up something which was actually good. But like others say, if it's meant to be, then it will come back. I may have pushed someone nice away... but if he comes back, then maybe I'll try to keep him for good. I really like him, and I have quite been open and honest to him about it. It's not easy you know... I've been through so much shit in my life before. Trusting someone can be quite difficult. Not having him around doesn't give me that security. Not knowing how he really feels because I cant see it doesn't help either. I mean, you can just talk and say things... but how would you know if it's real? How would you know if it's not just words said out loud just so that he can keep me hanging out there... keeping me keen? All these questions in my mind... it's messing up with the way how I feel towards this person. All these confusion is driving me up the wall! I hate this feeling... but in some ways I'm not too fussed - well, I am but trying not too be too fussed. My advantage is he's not around. "Out of sight, out of mind."

How did all these happen? Well, if you like someone and they're far away from you... you would want to know how they are. You would want to know what they're doing? Not in a stalkerish way... but you would somehow be interested and would want to know wouldn't you. You would think about them, and let them know because you know deep inside that they'd be happy to hear about it. I know these because I do this... but lately I find that I'm the one who's doing most of the work. How is this fair?

I have given so much before and I don't think I'm ready to be giving all of myself away again... Not until I know... I feel that it will be reciprocated... that I feel that at least I will get back some of it... I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again.

...-=Spinning Around=-...

I refuse to admit to myself that I am confused with my so-called-c0mplicated- life - only cos my life shouldn't be complicated. I just want to learn how to cope being single and not yearn and long for affection when I'm by myself. I mean, I know for a fact that I am happy being single. I actually enjoy being single for once. But every now and then I miss the affection... the hugs, cuddles and lil kisses (I don't miss sex - I don't know why!). This is when things gets complicated (I can hear Piley laughing already - hold your horses lad!). I am friends with most of my ex bf's, (all except for one, who's name I will not note here on my blog because he is nobody for me. I don't hate him, I dont dislike him. I actually have no feelings for him...) and every time I want to get some affection, I call them and they get all excited and gives me attention and the cuddles. I love flirting... and I have to admit that I am a very affectionate person. I just love snuggling up and holding and touching the person close to my heart. But I dont have that at the moment, and that's what I miss, hence I get into trouble. *nods* I know... I am a sucker for cuddles... not much for kisses - I like them too... but I really must like the guy for me to kiss them... or if I'm really really drunk then yeah, I go for it too. I don't know... I have two favourite ex's.. MW and MB (Piley, you're my fave back in EU - I'm going by continents here! :p). Well, I wouldn't say MB is my favourite - but he gives me the most affection. I think he enjoys my company cos I drive him totally insane. I tease him till he gets really grumpy then takes it out on me by tickling me then I start to tickle him back and we'll end up as a human ball! No kissing though... just hugs, tickles and cuddles. MW I would say is my most favourite as he makes me laugh. He challenges my brain by giving me tasks to do. He is never boring. MB is a bit dull compared to him. MW makes me use my brain more... makes me do research work for his projects and gosh do I learn a lot from it. From proposals, procurement matrix's and law materials and research... I don't mind helping him out as I learn a lot from him too. Here's the problem, which really if I'll think about it, is not a problem at all.... I know he still likes me and I have no problem with that (or do I?) and I like him and will always care for him cos what we've had before was more than just a relationship. It was more than a really good friendship, but we both know that we will never make each other happy completely. Which is a bit sad... though we still enjoy each other's company and doing stuff together. BUT we are not affectionate towards each other anymore. I just like the fact that he stimulates my brain... he gives me lil kisses on my face - cheeks, forehead, nose but never on the lips. He gives me side-hugs... you know, the type of hug where people grab you from the side and hugs you. He is so scared to show affection, cos he is scared that we'd get back into the black hole that we were once before. And it was disastrous, and we know that. We are not toxic towards each other, but at the same time we just cant be together. BUT I have to stop this affection grabbing and mind stimulating from ex boyfriend craziness now as it's not fair on them and I'm not really letting them or myself move on. PLUS I like this guy. I guess it sort of doesnt really help cos he's not here with me. I need the physical connection... I mean words are nice, but it's different when you actually feel it... when you can touch the person, see the person and hold them close to you.

Writing this makes my head spin.... I am not lost... not confused... just needy.

There... I have said it! Happy now Piley?! :p

...-=London and All=-...

In just a few weeks, it will be Christmas, and I haven't started on my Christmas shopping yet. I have no clue what to get family and friends this year. Socks good enough? :p Also... I sort of miss Piley. I was on Facebook yesterday and saw photos of Piley with Addie and I sort of started to miss them, their company. Those two makes me laugh till I cry (hmmm, I suppose magic mushrooms gives the same effect?!) and just their warm company. They way they reassure me during tougher times. I miss London too. Kensington, Chelsea and Notting Hill. Just going to the pub and hanging out with the lads whilst watching football or rugby or going to Cafe Montpeliano in Knightsbridge for brunch after a big night out... Or just hanging out with Piley and constantly arguing about our ex's! hehehe.... Our banters are always crazy as, but we love it! He is indeed a good sport! :)

Missing my English lads.... Merry jolly holidays as they would say. Have a pint for me! x

...-=Reading=-...

I used to love reading books before. Novels and Biographies.. Self-help books and other New Age stuff... Then for some unknown reason, I lost the passion. I would try to read a book every now and then and find that I get up to reading half of it, then stop reading it all together. The book is not boring, I'm just not into reading it. Till I went to Chewie's ranch and grabbed the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I can feel that I will finish this book in no time.. but at the same time, trying not to read it too fast cos I dont the story to finish....

I'm still on her Italy Chapter and OMG... she reminds me of myself when I went to Europe... when I was in Poland, trying to cut loose old pain and heartaches and forgetting the person who I love so very much. I'm looking forward to the India Chapter as apparently it is thought provoking and quite a challenging experience for her. Learning how to meditate and practicing it can be challenging - I know this for a fact! Indonesia is where she found love apparently. Hmmm... LOVE. Though complicated, like Life... it is beautiful. I will never get tired of loving. Though there has been times when I do resent it and have feelings of spite for it. But love, if it's good and true can be so beautiful. It can be such a wonderful feeling.

Anyway, it's now my lunch break. Better get something to eat and get back to reading my book. I am now in the part where she has finally told David that she is letting him go and that she is giving him her blessing if he decides to find someone new to love. I swear I was on the train, reading it and I can feel her pain. I used to once have it and feel it. And though the love was good... I would never want to be in that same situation ever again.

...-=Changes=-...

I think this year is the year of changes and moving on for me... Changed jobs twice... moved flats twice... and love life - zilch! Well, it's complicated but I'd rather call it zilch as it is somehow none-existent anyway.... Love does not exist where it cant be seen, nor touched.. though it can be felt - but it is not yet love... so yes, zilch! For the first time in years... I am single, and I'm lovin it! I still miss the occassional dramas in my life but I can get drama whenever I want to anyway. So easy.... just make a few phone calls... and voila! Dramas! No tears though... I'm so not into that anymore... I'd like to think that I have now changed. After the break-up, I feel so much refreshed, re-energized and I'm not ready to let go of those feelings yet. I'm happy to just get attention (I think I may have ADD??!!) and the occassional affection... though I miss hugs and kisses... like loads of them!!! I'm just happy that things are now sort of resolved with some people who I may have hurt in the past. I havent apologised but for some reason, I feel like I have been forgiven. This time, I want retain the good change... just be positive about it all... try not to hurt others and most importantly, try not to hurt myself.

Live more, laugh more, love more!

...-=Attached-Detached=-...

So... here I am again! Hello Piley! :p No smilies today as I am at work, pretending to be busy (probably shouldn't have written that here - my manager might google me! :p)

So yes... thanks to the www, I have met someone. Yes, Anna has gone cyber! Woot! And he is nice... and sweet and everything you girlies would want. But yes, he is in Cyber Space! Okay.. not literally (but literally too?), he is currently far far away. We have been chatting for a while, has seen each others photos and the like and have been open (I hope!) with each other - without no expectations. As much as I try... I am starting to like him - A LOT. Which I know... some of you might think: "how is that possible, when you haven't even met the guy yet?" Seriously, I've asked myself that question so many times as well... and like before, I have no answer to my questions!

I am enjoying the feeling... though feeling a bit scared as I'm getting attached to him. It's a scary thought... the fact that I am actually having real feelings for this guy.... and yet... he is hundreds of miles away - and have NOT met him.....

Shake it off!!! Hmmm.... I will try!