...-=Messed Up=-...

So... I think I stuffed up something which was actually good. But like others say, if it's meant to be, then it will come back. I may have pushed someone nice away... but if he comes back, then maybe I'll try to keep him for good. I really like him, and I have quite been open and honest to him about it. It's not easy you know... I've been through so much shit in my life before. Trusting someone can be quite difficult. Not having him around doesn't give me that security. Not knowing how he really feels because I cant see it doesn't help either. I mean, you can just talk and say things... but how would you know if it's real? How would you know if it's not just words said out loud just so that he can keep me hanging out there... keeping me keen? All these questions in my mind... it's messing up with the way how I feel towards this person. All these confusion is driving me up the wall! I hate this feeling... but in some ways I'm not too fussed - well, I am but trying not too be too fussed. My advantage is he's not around. "Out of sight, out of mind."

How did all these happen? Well, if you like someone and they're far away from you... you would want to know how they are. You would want to know what they're doing? Not in a stalkerish way... but you would somehow be interested and would want to know wouldn't you. You would think about them, and let them know because you know deep inside that they'd be happy to hear about it. I know these because I do this... but lately I find that I'm the one who's doing most of the work. How is this fair?

I have given so much before and I don't think I'm ready to be giving all of myself away again... Not until I know... I feel that it will be reciprocated... that I feel that at least I will get back some of it... I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again.