...-=Spinning Around=-...

I refuse to admit to myself that I am confused with my so-called-c0mplicated- life - only cos my life shouldn't be complicated. I just want to learn how to cope being single and not yearn and long for affection when I'm by myself. I mean, I know for a fact that I am happy being single. I actually enjoy being single for once. But every now and then I miss the affection... the hugs, cuddles and lil kisses (I don't miss sex - I don't know why!). This is when things gets complicated (I can hear Piley laughing already - hold your horses lad!). I am friends with most of my ex bf's, (all except for one, who's name I will not note here on my blog because he is nobody for me. I don't hate him, I dont dislike him. I actually have no feelings for him...) and every time I want to get some affection, I call them and they get all excited and gives me attention and the cuddles. I love flirting... and I have to admit that I am a very affectionate person. I just love snuggling up and holding and touching the person close to my heart. But I dont have that at the moment, and that's what I miss, hence I get into trouble. *nods* I know... I am a sucker for cuddles... not much for kisses - I like them too... but I really must like the guy for me to kiss them... or if I'm really really drunk then yeah, I go for it too. I don't know... I have two favourite ex's.. MW and MB (Piley, you're my fave back in EU - I'm going by continents here! :p). Well, I wouldn't say MB is my favourite - but he gives me the most affection. I think he enjoys my company cos I drive him totally insane. I tease him till he gets really grumpy then takes it out on me by tickling me then I start to tickle him back and we'll end up as a human ball! No kissing though... just hugs, tickles and cuddles. MW I would say is my most favourite as he makes me laugh. He challenges my brain by giving me tasks to do. He is never boring. MB is a bit dull compared to him. MW makes me use my brain more... makes me do research work for his projects and gosh do I learn a lot from it. From proposals, procurement matrix's and law materials and research... I don't mind helping him out as I learn a lot from him too. Here's the problem, which really if I'll think about it, is not a problem at all.... I know he still likes me and I have no problem with that (or do I?) and I like him and will always care for him cos what we've had before was more than just a relationship. It was more than a really good friendship, but we both know that we will never make each other happy completely. Which is a bit sad... though we still enjoy each other's company and doing stuff together. BUT we are not affectionate towards each other anymore. I just like the fact that he stimulates my brain... he gives me lil kisses on my face - cheeks, forehead, nose but never on the lips. He gives me side-hugs... you know, the type of hug where people grab you from the side and hugs you. He is so scared to show affection, cos he is scared that we'd get back into the black hole that we were once before. And it was disastrous, and we know that. We are not toxic towards each other, but at the same time we just cant be together. BUT I have to stop this affection grabbing and mind stimulating from ex boyfriend craziness now as it's not fair on them and I'm not really letting them or myself move on. PLUS I like this guy. I guess it sort of doesnt really help cos he's not here with me. I need the physical connection... I mean words are nice, but it's different when you actually feel it... when you can touch the person, see the person and hold them close to you.

Writing this makes my head spin.... I am not lost... not confused... just needy.

There... I have said it! Happy now Piley?! :p