...-=As It Goes...=-...

In a just a few days, it'll be the New Year. Do I have any new year's resolutions? NO. Mainly because I never do it anyway so why bother having one. If I really want to change something... I'll do it anyway. But for now, better fix the mess that I created.

 

I'm not being fair with him and I dont have the heart to break up with him... specially right now when he's more vulnerable cos he's having some major issues at home and I dont want to break up with him cos like my sister said... if I do, then I'll be the biggest bitch that he's ever met! I like him and I do enjoy spending time with him but I dont see myself being with him in the future. He's a nice boyfriend though... not that he is... but he's so attentive, so thoughtful and so caring... it's sickening. I must admit, I'm not used to such treatment that it scares the shit out of me! I get annoyed when he tells me not to stay out too late... or not to drink too much... But he's good with making sure that I get home safely by offering to collect me from a party or just tagging along with me. *sigh* If only I was ready to settle down and be in a serious relationship then he'll be the perfect guy.

 

If only I can forget Chewie and move on completely. But it's hard specially when he's just around and when he's being so nice. Chewie will always be nice to me and well... will always be a part of me and that's whats making things so difficult.

 

I find that I'm listening to Coldplay over and over again.... it sure is a sign that my mind is troubled once again.

 

May all these dramas finish by the end of this year......

 

Wish me luck!!!

...-=Phased Out=-...

I have now come to the conclusion that I'm really still not ready to be in a relationship.

I should just take things easy, specially with Mikey.

He's a nice guy... caring and all that!

But....

 

I'm in-love with the most crazy, obnoxious, arrogant ruggedly-handsome man!

I dont care... I know it's weird.

But I am still enjoying the feeling.

 

Seeing him smile and knowing that he's happy makes me happy.

The thought that he still cares for me and has feelings for me makes me happy.

 

It's not healthy I know... some people might think that i've gone crazy... but hey... you know what they say...

 

Whatever makes "ME" happy.....

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To: Chewie

 

 

 Be Be Your Love

 Rachel Yamagata

 

 

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

 

...-=The day I Questioned Myself=-...

I never thought this time would come. I recieved a message from Chewie... "Where are you de d? Im in arc?x" Normally I would be fast enough to reply back with the thought of seeing him and spending time with him... but today, I actually stopped and thought for a moment....

 

Is the feelings now going away...? Am I ready to finally really let go...? But maybe Chewie still needs me...? But do I still need him...? Do I still want to be with him...? Can I see myself with him again...?

 

All these questions will not be questions if I'm certain... If I didnt have any doubts... If I was as sure as I was before... about how I feel about him before... If I still love him as much as I used to love him before... No questions asked... no boundaries...

 

I think for once in my life I've thought about myself instead... and that is now.

...-=Merry Christmas...???=-...

Spoke to Chewie yesterday and he was a bit sad cos his Mum isnt feeling that all well after her operation... I really hope and pray that she'll get better. And I really think that if he goes back to England to spend time with her she'll get better faster cos having your family with you when you're not feeling well makes things a lot better. I hope Chewie not that thinking much about his Mum... and I hope that he's feeling lots better. I want him to be happy.

 

Also... went to the Loft's VIP party yesterday with Anita and Pen. It was okay... not that fun as the party last July. Different crowd too. Met a few new people and met up with Milkey afterwards. He dropped me and Anita home. He's so sweet... maybe I should listen to Pen... to give him a chance.

 

So... today... we spent time together. Watched Charlie and the Chocolate factory on DVD at his place but had dinner before that. Did we kiss...? Did I have fun...?

 

 

Well..............

 

I had fun....

 

...-=Troubled=-...

I think I still have issues that I havent resolved. I thought that I was over it... over him... Or maybe I am... just having those weird feelings of liking the person who I'm not meant to like anymore. I think I misjudged myself with thinking that when I see him and talk to him I'll know when I'm really over him. But you see, the problem is I thought I was really over him until he gave me that look when I told him that I told Richard that "we were just friends". Okay... I've told all of my friends that we're just friends now... But everytime I say that I feel a little bit of guilt inside me. Knowing that we still both like each other. It sucks. Specially now that there is a guy who I know genuinely cares about me. We're not together though... we're not a couple. I enjoy talking to him but I dont see myself being in a relationship just as yet. It's so hard specially when I get confused in times like this. I honestly thought that I was over Chewie... obviously not. Otherwise I would've been okay when he told me that he was going to see the Hungarian girl cos she wanted to see him. I didnt ask anymore questions.. why should I... I dont see any point as to why I should be asking questions. I was just surprised cos he has been calling me... has been flirting with me... Has asked me to come over his place. We weren't planning of doing something silly anyway, just to hang-out. We're trying to be friends. I guess it will not work. One of us will get hurt... I will get hurt. That's always the case. Chewie is a tough guy who doesnt feel much pain... he gets hurt but gets over it really quickly. As for Bannana-me... oh... have I told you it took me 3 months to get over him while I was away. And now that i'm back... Chewie seems to be back in my life again too. Are we always going to be a part of each others life? Seriously, I should do something about this. Either I deal with it now or I leave it.

 

It's so hard to make decisions of the heart. It's never easy. Specially when you really like the person so much. But I have to remember... I've been through this shit before and when I was away, I decided not to want to feel such great hurt ever again. So Anna... it's now make or break time again... Will you risk it again or just get over it and move on completely? I hate having to really think hard about this again... But to be honest, it is so damn hard!

 

This is one of those times when i feel really sad and wish that I was still in Spain.....

 

*sad sad Bannana*

...-=Nikko=-...

It's my aunty's birthday today and everybody was there for dinner. I was of course late once again as work is so far and our trading hours sucks! So... yes there was plenty of food. I didnt really stuff myself full, just enough for my small tummy. Then my other relo's that's only seen me today were asking questions about my travels. I am now dubbed as "The Jet-setter"... how I wish I was one. Then we went to the family room were the big Christmas tree was and started looking for our presents... how funny! My aunty Vic was tellng all of us what she think is inside our boxes! He he he... After my aunty Malou blew her candle, I didnt eat my cake but decided to put it in a take-away bag... I cant eat much anymore... I have really lost my appetite for unknown reasons... I'm not telling my mum though as she'll start feeding me cakes and sweet stuff again. When aunty Vic and uncle Luis together with my cousin Gino left, we decided to have a look at some photos that are in my aunt Malou's comp. We saw pictures of us during Easter '03 at Gerroa.

 

I then saw a picture of my late cousin Nikko. I started missing him again so much as that was the time that we really bonded. We shared secrets and just talked and talked for hours till the sun was about to rise. I got to know him a lot more better and it made me realize that he's just a typical teenager... just enjoying his life which is full of mischievous adventures which includes sneaking out of the house and getting pissed with his mates. I guess we've all done that... well, I have anyway. I saw his picture when we were at Kiama and I felt sad once again... I miss him terribly a lot. I told my aunt Malou that if aunt Vic and uncle Luis saw that picture, they'll both be sad again- Nikko is their youngest son. I was getting teary-eyed and same with my sister Francesca. They were very close to each other as they were of the same age. They were like best friends. Played football and soccer together and they both even like cooking. They were even making plans of opening up their own coffee shop when they graduate from uni... until one fatal day around late March last year. The Lord took him from us and although it was quite hard to accept at first, we eventually surrendered him to God. I'm sure Nikko is now happy with Him... and for sure he's just around guiding us.

 

I just cant help but think of him lately though. This will be the second Christmas that he wont be with us... And it's sad as we all miss his jokes and the funny faces that he pulls all the time. I miss his silly questions about life... and I miss teasing him about his love-life. Nikko will always be in our hearts and although it's sad that he's no longer with us, we're all happy to know that he's in a happier place than where we are now... he's got the peace that we're still wanting and looking for.

 

Nikko... Kuling as what his Mum calls him.. you'll always and forever be in our hearts. We love you forever.

...-=Focus Bannana Focus=-...

I'm home... Well, from a party at Oxford St. And what was the frst thing I did..? Download porn. I dunno why... I just did! I really have no idea why I did it! Hmm.. well, I've been asking Mark to give me back my boys. He wants us to have a contract though. I dont freakin mind the freakin contract... I just want the boys now! I miss the boys! I miss having them with me. Hmmm.... I guess it's the time of the month when I'm just ___crazed! Lol!!!!

 

How funny is it to write on your blog when you're intoxicated! I freakin miss Spain! I wish I never went back home! Oh... wish me luck on my job interview with Flight Centre... See if I get the job, there's a big chance of me travelling more often... cheaper fare too! Hahaha!!! Oh gosh... life is good! Life is beautiful! So... why was I accused of being scared of falling in love when I'm not?!!? Sir.... I'm not just ready to be in a relationship. I am happy... very happy to be single. And this is the first time... the VERY FIRST TIME... in my whole 29 years of living that I am being honest about single and loving it!!!

 

I just want to have my boys back... I think that will somehow make me happier.

 

Better get back to the Dalai Lama CD.... Focus Bannana.... Focus!!!!!!!!!

 

*hik*hik*

 

G'night... wish me luck tomorrow at work! I will be needing a packet of Panadol! At least I had fun! hehehehe....

 

Life is damn wonderful....!!!!