Wednesday, February 25, 2009

...-=That Wonderful Feeling=-...

Have you ever felt that feeling of high energy happiness? Where you feel as if nothing can hurt you or nothing can touch you and you're not even thinking that anything or anyone would want to hurt you? You know that feeling when you're just happy, you dont have any negative thoughts on your mind? It is a wonderful feeling.... :)

I have found this amazing feeling within me.. this feeling where despite some people tries to push me down, I just "shake it off" and let go of the negativity without it not even having any effect in me. It's a beautiful feeling... True happiness, happiness at its highest level, highest energy! It is bliss!

I have found happiness with the help of the people around me. Yes, I did some soul searching but I didnt had to look so far away.. it was just right there infront of me. Acceptance of oneself is a start. I've accepted that I am Anna and will always be Anna. That I will not change. I can adapt and maybe learn more values and skills but the Anna in me will always be there. I have accepted that I dont need to rely on others in order for me to be happy. I am and will always be dependent on myself alone with my emotions... will be responsible for how I feel and will not blame others for it. Though I have to admit, we meet people in our lives who shares their happiness with us. Did you get that??? There is a difference between: "they make me happy" and "sharing their happiness." It's because, those people will not be able to make others happy if they're not happy about themselves. Hence, I conclude that its not making others happy but sharing the positive vibes and happiness within them to others. That is sharing the L0VE for you. We should always be responsible for not just our actions but with how we feel at the same time. In order for us to be responsible, we have to be aware. Those flare-up's we get when we're angry, it's most times when we don't think and just act without being aware. How do you feel when you're angry? How do you feel after yelling or screaming at someone? For sure, you dont feel comfortable or good about it, or do you? What do you get out of it anyway? Aside from feeling of hurt and hatred... Hmmm... mostly heart diseases. It's true! Go check it out for your self.

I am happy now.. Actually, I'd say happier! Though I sometimes wonder how this will all end.. but Ive learnt that questions leads to uncertainty. Hence, I have stopped asking questions. There's this someone who shares his happiness with me in a big way. When we talk, I feel like he's feeding my soul! He's the most intellectually attractive guy I have ever met in my whole entire life! :) Though there's something brewing there... and I have prepared myself for it already. I'm no longer new to this thing called: Relationship. Sometimes someone would say something to me about their relationships and I'd listen and try and give them my 5c's worth and if I get that "WTF are you talking about look" I just shrug it off and say look within you... I have crashed and burnt so many times but I like the feeling of being happy and in love so I go with it.. knowing that "these are the repercusions of my actions - hence, no surprises!

So right now, I am just enjoying the happy and loving feeling. It's one amazing and most wonderful feeling of them all!!! All is well in the Anna World and things can only get better... with more love, light and happiness. Put together with a heart open to everything.. welcoming and accepting Life's little challenges...

Carpe Diem! :)

Friday, February 20, 2009

...-=BL!SS=-...

I'm happy! Very happy! No apparent reason.. well actually, I am celebrating ME - hence I am happy! :) It's been a while since I've last felt like this. I just feel so light, like I'm floating, flying and just so peaceful deep inside me. All this happened when I started to accept what life is giving me. All things happens for a reason.

All the while I am trying to figure out why I was sad and lonely. On the way back to Bondi Beach last night during my cliff walk with Yellow, we were talking about "Rebirthing" and "Presence". And on my way home, I realised that all the while I was suffering all those insecurities and pain of loneliness and sadness before, it is all self-inflicted. I say this because we have a choice! We have a choice of either to walk away from it, change it or deal with it. No one wants to feel pain, though when we become negative towards others or ourselves (that includes feeling less self worth and self-pitty) we are infact doing it to ourselves and others. That feeling of self pitty... "I feel sorry for myself" and other "poor me" stories... it's you acting out as the victim. And why would you want to be the victim? What good would it do to you aside from earning other people's sympathy? Hmm... that's the question that needs to be answered. When you are aware of your surroundings, aware of the NOW, you see and appreciate how beautiful life can be.

I am happy and have decided that yes, I will no longer ask questions if not necessary... as questions only leads to uncertainty.

I am now enjoying this feeling of bliss, peace and love within me...

Friday, February 13, 2009

...-=Anna's Book For Dummies=-...

I have always wanted to write a book. I will one day have my journal published and call it: "The Emancipation of The Hot Banana". But since my story is a never ending one, maybe I will start with a book called: "The Game Player: Guide for Women Who Knows & Likes Men With Issues". It's going to be like a Dummies Guide for: Men With Issues or Hang Up's! Hehe... Will make sure all of them will have their incognito names... hehehe... Just the thought of it now makes me giggle inside! It will be a best-seller! :) :) :)

Happy Friday!!! xxx

Thursday, February 12, 2009

...-=My Favourite Post=-...

And I am posting it here again as I want to share it with you all.. :)

A reminder that life's beautiful..

...-=The Thinker=-...
I have been reading this book called "Practicing the Power of Now" again. The last time I read that book was last year and didnt manage to finish it cos 'I was busy'. I know, it's such a slack, non-sense excuse. If I have time to go out and surf the net, then that means I have time to read it. I read the "Power of Now" when I was in Europe and it made wonders... made a change, a big difference with me. It changed me in a good way. Though not many people understoon what happened... some of them got confused and eventually became angry... but after talking to them, making them realise what just happened to me... I just said "it's either you deal with it OR you leave it."

I came back from Europe with a less complicated life. Sure I had my little issues that In guess all people have. I used to find them really petty and would just shrug it off after a few minutes of thinking about it, realising that - it is an absolute waste of time and energy! My biggest problem them was work - and I made sure that I fixed the problem by looking for a better one. Hmmm... I used to be good with dealing with my problems... I guess since then, things have changed.

"Do I have a problem?" - That is the question.

If I would want to simplify my life, I can. I will just drop my friends and live in a cave by myself. Will not bring my laptop nor my mobile phone. Will make sure to bring lots of books with me and maybe before I go move to my cave, I will invest on getting a dog. That would be enough company.

But you see, I believe that no man is an island. We can not live by ourselves. Will not be happy just by being by ourselves. We need a companion... otherwise it will be a life with no love. Besides, we learn more about ourselves when we interact with others... learn more about life that way. Living in a cave is a coward option of solving your problems... it's not even a way of solving your problems - but more so. running away from it.

I miss my old self though. When I was really patient, loving and forgiving. I have changed... and I know that for a fact. I have come to realise that I do love my friends and will give them my time, will put so much effort into the friendship and will every now and then forgive them for being silly, of course with a little slap in the wrist so they wont forget what they have done. BUT I have also realised that I can only take so much. I can only forgive and forget to an extent. If I realise that they're not really putting that much effort into the friendship, I lose interest, because I love my friends and respect them and see them as an important person in my life and I expect the same from them. It has happened already... I have no more love, interest not even slight care for a couple of them. After putting too much effort and care only to have been dissed, lied to and let down... can you blame me?

I have some people in my life who I just cant drop though. Maybe it's because I have too much love for them and no matter how they do me wrong, I over-see it; MW for instance. Hmmm... I can never understand and will never understand why. I just love him.

I have learnt this from Eckahrt Tolle's "Power of Now", that if you really like/love someone and you think that it is worth it, then you DEAL with it. But if you think it's just too much and not worth your time, then you LEAVE IT. I remember saying this this to Iris before when I was in Poland and were talking about her problems with Poitr. And she said it does make sense, although quite hard to practise in our daily lives. But my point is, why would you waste your time with some people who really doesnt give a shit about you?!!! Hmmm.... again, some special people are exempted to this rule.

I am currently trying to observe the "Thinker" in me. It is what's giving me the problems, the stress and worries that I dont need. I just need to be able to step back and look and observe at the "Thinker" without critisizing and being judgemental towards it cos if you do start doing that, it is once again the "Thinker" who is in control and NOT the being. It is going to be one hell of a job... BUT will be all worth it in the end. I just miss the calm and Zen me.

In the mean time, I will try and use this blog wisely by not writing any more negative and angry entries/post. Instead, will try to document my progress in acquiring the old "happy" me. Wish me luck as I will be needing it.

This is going to be the start of a new adventure which will be self-enriching spiritually, mentally and emotionally. About time I do something good for myself.

Carpe Diem!

...-=To Ponder=-...

I wrote this late last year... and I'm posting it here again just to remind myself:

"I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again."

...-=Negativity Sucks Out The Life In Me=-...

I am a very positive person if not too much.. and can't stand people who can't appreciate their blessings and just continue on thriving on negativity. At the end of the day, I have learnt that if you are in a situation which you are not happy with, then either deal with it or walk away from it. Being an optimist, I always see the brighter side of things. So in most cases, I deal with it. If for a number of times that I have failed in dealing with it (and I'm not just saying 2-5x of dealing with it!) then that's when I walk away. What I can't stand is people who is actually fortunate with things but continue on whingeing about their lives! OMG! Like seriously, fukin get over it! I have a lot of patience... but not with people who are so negative. And I dont mean the people who have problems every now and then and have tried to deal with it... but people who cant see the point that they dont have a problem but thinks that they have to worry about it! They drain the hell out of me! I then give them my 5c's worth and get this look of: "you dont understand?!" Seriously... I dont! Cos there are more unfortunate people out there who has bigger problems who instead of whingeing is doing something about it! At the end of the day, negativity doesnt help you deal with your problem but in fact is a bad mantra that you feed your body and soul. Okay now, tell me.. Have you got a fukin problem? Cos if you think you do, I honestly dont give a damn at the moment - go talk to the hand!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

...-=Love And Life's Other Catastrophe's According to Anna=-...

I seldom question my happiness, cos I know my feelings doesn't lie to me. I mean, I can hide my emotiones towards others but never with myself. The past couple of weeks, I have been happy, no - happier! I have forgotten about my worries. I have forgotten to worry about the past, the hurts, and the future. I was happier. I've met a few people... a few men. They were all nice. Some of them I know clearly their intentions and sorry, it will not happen. I like one of them in particular though, I sometimes feel as if he can read my mind and it freaks me out! I dont have to say how I feel, he'd tell me instead. I suppose my body language gives it away though. He is sweet, charming, funny and really sexy. And he knows - I told him. Anyway, although I enjoy his company so much, nothing will come out of it.. he is going away soon.. so yes, timing! It's always great! But then again, I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet anyway... I am still enjoying my single life.. which is not so single anyway. Moving on, next guy is the Leeds guy. He is keen and is really sweet.. but again, I just dont have the time. I cant give him the time as I'm really busy. I think that's why I like the guy who's going away cos he doesn't pressure me with anything. The 3rd guy, he so just wants to sleep with me! And I think he's made sure that I know of it. He sometimes text stalks me to see him... ohh.. this crazy thing I do... sometimes "pash and dashes" arent good at all... they come back for more! Haha! Oh dear!

But yeah, I'm not here to write about boys.. I am writing because I am questioning myself tonight. I feel melancholic and sort of want to go back to where I used to be before. Where uncertainties used to live within me and I know it sucks! I think I'm not quite used to be being happy!" Then I'd remember the story of Mr Worry... not sure who told me that story... I think it was one of the new guys that I met a couple of weeks ago. Damn Mr Worry! I should just be happy that I'm happy! But you see... here's where the problem comes along.

BOYS!

I have been spending a lot of time with the first guy.. let's call him "Yellow" (cos that's my favourite colour) and I swear, he sweeps me off my feet. We're not dating, we're just hanging -out. He is leaving in a couple of months anyway. But he's the sweetest thing ever. And I just cant get enough of him. And lately, I cant stop thinking about him, I just want to kiss him and do things with him... And I cant sleep. And I know I shouldn't bother much... for f--k's sake! But NO! Anna has already decided that she can do this. And is stronger. Well, I guess after what happened between me and Mark.. I guess I can take everything already! Geez... no matter how messy that relationship was.. I have no regrets at all. He has made me into a stronger person. Made me who I am today. He will always be the love of my life.. but he just needs to get over himself cos he thinks that I will never move on and get over him. As I've told him before, I cannot wait for him forever.

Anyway, I've learnt something good from Yellow this week though.. and that is to stop asking questions cos questions leads to uncertainty. Which is probably why I am here... feeling silly and a bit stupid cos I am once again asking myself.. "Do I have a problem? Cos it's been a while... and I haven't been worry-free for a while now..." Damn stupid girl!

So there.... I have just confirmed something to myself tonight.. that I am my own problem!

Anna... learn how to stop asking questions like a 5 yr/o does!

Monday, February 02, 2009

...-=Hide and Seek=-...

Funny how when I've decided that I'm actually happier being single.. that's when they all show up?! And the time when I was looking.. they all seem to be hiding somewhere where I cant even sniff them! What's this thing about men around Sydney?? But it's good in some ways though... I ame enjoying the attention. :)

There is no men drought in Sydney ladies... just be happy with yourself and they somehow see the happiness inside you and they see it as a sign! I think that's the secret to it....

Geez... if only I knew of this way before....

:)