...-=Soneto XVII=-...

To Mark....

My love... my world...

Anna x

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SONETO XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

- Pablo Neruda 1959

...-=How In The World???=-...

People sometimes ask me how I do it? Why do I have so much patience? (Er... not really!) Why am I so forgiving? Why do I always see the good-side of the not-so-good people around me?

I only have one answer for you.... I am a positive person... I would like to be a happy person.

My life is not perfect though. I am the epitome of martyrdom! I don't like dramas- it seems to like me though. I tend to love people who dont love me. I tend to push away the people who cares for me. I tend to stick with people who drives me crazy. I tend to find too nice people a bit boring- though I appreciate their kindness though.

My friends... most of them... they dont understand why. From Vannia to Possum David... they all seem to wonder why? Or how I can do it.

Have you ever loved at all? Do you know what love is really? I do.
I love HIM. U-N-C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-A-L-L-Y!!!!

That's no if's and but's. I sometimes question myself... but never get to have a doubt as to why I love him. He is a nice person. He is a lovely person. He makes me happy. Seldom makes me upset. A bit crazy at times. But a genuine person.

Mark means the world to me... and Vannia, you know how you were telling me before how you would give up your life for Gary... it's the same thing with him. Talk about bad habits... but he is not a bad habit. He has always been very positive. He hasn't made me do drugs, or hurt anybody. You just need to know the person... but you probably wont have the time. You dont really care much about him anyway.

F*ck having plans! Most times when you plan something it stuffs up anyway. I'm just going with the flow now. I am happy... but will be happier as soon as he gets better. That's whats important right now. And I do appreciate your prayers.

Let me be... just let me love him... there's nothing wrong with loving someone... After all... love is meant to be selfless... understanding... and unconditional....

...-=What Else Is There=-...

It was my birthday party yesterday and I had fun... though I really wanted my old friends to be there too. I guess when we grow old... and there is "distance" it is quite hard to catch up with friends. It was good though... I had heaps fun at Luna Park! Didn't like the stripper much.. she freaked me out! But it was great hanging out with my friends. :)

 

I went to Tatlers to meet up with Mark and Paul after.... And I had heaps fun. After a few too many drinks we went back to Mark's to crash. Waking up the next day... I was a bit confused as to where I was. It took me a good 2-3 minutes to realise that I was actually at Mark's place. I was looking around and saw a photo of Mark and a girl on the wall. She looked a bit old so I sorta figured it was Beata. Then I got more confused... "what the f*ck am I really doing here?" I wasn't sure what to think... I didn't know if I was feeling a pinch in my heart or what... but it really doesn't matter now. I asked Mark when he woke up who she was and he just said it's You... meaning... I don't want to talk about it... or maybe I don't want to answer your question... or you know who she is. But again... it doesn't matter. I love Mark and I want to be with him right now. Whatever happens... I don't have any answers as to why I love him so much... and no! It's not just about the sex. Besides he will lose his sex drive for a while anyway while doing his therapy. I am not expecting anything in return either... I am just happy being with him. We were talking about his illness today and maybe what he can do and then after we went to go shopping at Westfield's. I enjoy doing little and ordinary things with him... even just having coffee/tea is enough. He does make me happy.

 

Thing is... how far will this go....? Where will this end...? And... what else is there? I love him... God knows how much. But how much of this can I take? I know he cares for me... Maybe it's true that he does love me in some ways... I believe that things happen for a reason... we meet people for a reason... I am with Mark for a reason... which I dont know just as yet. But I'm just going along with it. I love him... and I just want him to get better... that's what's more important for now.

 

---------

 

"Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nightmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for" 

 

-Royskopp - "What Else Is There" 

 

...-=Rollercoaster Ride=-...

It has been indeed a roller-coaster ride for me since I got back from Europe. A lot of things that I have promised myself when I was contemplating about my life and reflecting about my life have completely gone to waste.

Again... do I need to go back there to find myself again?

NO.

I am just back on my old routine of never-ending drama with who else... MW.
I love him though... and although it's not easy... I do not want to complain.
Cos I love him.

He hasn't caused me any grief... it's only cos he's been really ill lately.
And I'm not talking about having a cold or a flu... we're talking about the Big C!
It's horrible... He's one of the healthiest and fittest person that I've ever met. So... tell me again why or how he got it?!!?

But things do happen for a reason....
And he will beat this mosnter...
This will make him stronger...

I'm not meant to be a part of this drama anymore...
How I got back in is all because of the Ministry of Sound CD launch.
:) Don't ask. I have no explanations.

But I'm not complaining.
I love him.
I just don't like much sadness right now.

I just want him to get better soon.
I just want all these to be over.
I just want to have the healthy and happy him back.

Life is always like a roller-coaster ride with MW.
There's a lot of up's and down's...
Very exciting...
And after riding it...
You'll still be talking about it...
Wanting to have a second go at it.

I love you so much MW...
I'm praying for your fast recovery.
Please get better soon.

...-=Long Time=-...

It's been a crazy long time since I've posted something here! Lots of exciting things happening too. I have moved out of my parent's house and now live in the city.. Check out the exciting view... I've also got cool flatmates... and have been learning how to play squash properly. Tonight whilst listening to Tom Jones (hmm... Possum David made us listen to it!) there were fireworks at the harbour and it was so pretty! Funny what fireworks do to me! Haha!!! The little pleasure of life....

Last night though I was a bit naughty. Went to this party at Argyle at the Rocks for Ministry of Sounds CD Launch and told Mark that I was there... they came along... Paul and Ben and him. I abandoned Paolo cos he was acting as if he was my bf. I ended up going home with Mark... well.. he went to my place and stayed for a bit... Naughty!!!

Anyway... there's more to it but I cant tell you now. I have to sleep... I have work tomorrow... Ciao... Ciao... Ciao...

...-=One Crazy Ride=-...

It's been a while since I've last written on my blog. Probably cos I have been so busy with work that most times I just feel like unwinding and relaxing with friends. I dont feel like staring at the PC after work but just to spend time with friends chilling out and talking about our lives in general. But a lot of things has happened. I have met new friends who are wonderful and great. People who appreciates me and I appreciate them myself. People who I can relate with.. not superficial.. people who live their lives to the fullest and people who values their lives. A lot of things has changed too. I am not speaking with Mark currently. Have stopped speaking to Mike already. I still love Mark though I thought I should give myself a break from all the craziness for now. I just want to live my life without any complications. Work enough is crazy.. but I love work! I love and enjoy what I'm doing right now. It gets crazy from time to time but I dont mind work being crazy... it works out better that way- I dont get bored! But I'm leaving craziness to work... I dont like craziness in my life. Craziness was a thing of the past. I still enjoy having a few drinks with my friends... dancing with my friends... As long as no one's getting hurt.... I dont like playing mind games anymore. I dont like the feeling of confusion. I just want to be happy for now. I just want to enjoy my life right now... and always. I love the fact that right now I feel happy when I'm around my friends... my family. I dont like the fact that Mark's acting really strange right now but I dont want to dwell on it right now. I am hoping that he's just going through a phase though as he has been acting quite strange lately. I dont want to think about it right now as it just upsets me. For now.. I will just focus on my life. Focus on maintaning the balance. As long as I am not hurting anyone... as long as everyone around me is happy... I'm happy. Things are ok... well most things anyway. I am loving my life.. I am living my life. I will be re-reading my favourite book... The Power of Now as I do feel the need for it. I wish that everone is happy... that everyone is as content as me.

...-=Taking My Time=-...

I've learnt how to keep myself busy and I'm quite happy with myself doing it. I have enrolled myself to Hatha Yoga and Meditation Classes again and it is really doing the job of keeping myself occupied. I haven't been thinking about the boys... and it's great! I am more focued and more relaxed and more calm and collected, more centered. I dont think much anymore, I dont complain about life anymore and I have learned to appreciate everything in life now... whether be a positive or a negative experience. My life isnt so easy... Life isnt easy in general. You can ask anybody and no one would tell you that they have an easy life. But I am happy... like some people who have big problems... they are happy... but it's probably because they are content and they have learnt how to live in the present. It's not easy.. sometimes the pasy haunts me... sometimes the future scares and intimidates me.. but I try to shake those thoughts away... Living in the present is a lot more complicated, but if you learn... you will see how happy you will be. I've learnt not to have much expectations of others.. from myself.. that things happens for a reason... I have learnt to accept my life.. that it is not easy.. but it can also be less complicated. That I can be happy... That I can be content.

I'm just taking my time now... Cos I know in the end... life... my life will be the biggest accomplishment I would ever have lived... the greatest battle that I've ever won... The greatest experience I have ever lived!!!

Carpe Diem!!!