...-=RESPECT=-...

The thing I've learnt from past relationships, most specially the one before this last one was learning to respect myself. Learning to love myself and learning to know when to stop giving.

Regardless of how much you love the person, and yes even if you love them more than they love you back, you know that you should stop when that person whom you love no longer has respect for you. Unfortunately it does happen. You love too much that sometimes you forget about yourself, and the next thing you know, you're this little puppy dog following the person around asking and begging for their attention. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE AND REFUSE TO BE IN THE SAME SITUATION EVER AGAIN.

It took me a long time to realise that I have low self-esteem when I was with Chew.. I have given too much that I didnt save any for myself. I promised myself that this will never happen again and it wont. No matter how painful it is to let go of the person, no matter how much I love him and yes, I will truly miss him SO MUCH... I AM IMPORTANT. I AM NUMBER ONE!

At the end of the day,
how can someone love when they dont love themselves?
How will people respect you when you cant even respect yourself?
It all starts from within.. and that goes the same with happiness..

I LOVE MYSELF AND RESPECT MYSELF. I AM YET TO BE HAPPY AGAIN, BUT AFTER I HEAL FROM THIS PAIN, THEN HAPPINESS WILL FLOW THRU ME ONCE AGAIN.

I AM LOVE AND I AM LIGHT.

...-=The Way I Feel Right Now=-...

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

(Oooooh)

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say, women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again, I see, the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
What you had...
Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, oh, oh you'll know

...-=Disneyland=-...

I would rather go to Disneyland with the person I love than get married! The thousands of $$ that we'll spend will be spent in our Disneyland hotel and Disneyland pass! Hehehe!!! Well, of course we'll get married too but it will be just a small civil ceremony and maybe lunch/dinner with close family and friends and then.... DISNEYLAND!!! Hehehehe!! I think this way we can let our inner child enjoy the union of two adults in love! Hahaha!!!

I cant wait for Disneyland! M-I-C-K-E-Y - M-O-U-S-E!!!

...-=Amen to Gregg=-...

‎"When we do reach a point in life when we really want to open up and share ourselves with another person, we reach inside for our love, only to find that it's gone and has left a reservoir of emptiness in its place. We discover that we've lost ourselves little by little to the very experiences that we trust enough to allow them into our lives."

"The good news here is that those parts of ourselves that seem to be absent are never really gone. It isn't as though they're obliterated forever...they're part of our truest essense, a part of our soul. And just as the soul can never be destroyed, the core of our true nature can never be lost. It's simply masked and hidden for safekeeping. To recognize how we do the masking is to embark upon a fast path of healing. Calling back to us the parts of ourselves that we've lost may be the greatest expression of our personal mastery."  -The Divine Matrix, page 177-178, Gregg Braden

It is self explanatory. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

...-=LOVE=-...

Is such a beautiful thing.

Most special when it's shared and given back.

Accepted and not judged.

Respected and trusted.

Love. YOU.

...-=Rain=-...

The black dog is back again.

It's a tough challenge... battling with myself.

Up, down. Up, down.

Sometimes I find that I'm actually okay, but most of the time I'm not.

I'm hoping and praying and working hard to make the black dog go away.
I hate this feeling.

I want to be set free once again.

...-=Black Hole=-...

I cried buckets of tears tonight... I don't know why, but I just did.

I also realised that on Friday night and tonight - Sunday, pretty much the same time, I thought about killing myself.

But then I thought, what would Kevin (flatmate) do?!

It's been one of those weird days and night and week... when I feel so horrible. It doesn't help that Michael's not here, but I just feel so awful and profoundly sad and lonely. I told my bestfriend Possum about my thoughts and I'm glad that he used his humour in reply to what I said. 

I just hope and pray that I get over this feelings soon.