...-=My Heart Feels... My Lips Cant Say=-...

Current mood: sad What did I do wrong?  I can probably count in one hand all the other times I felt worse than how I feel now... but this is the most confusing and frustrating.  And I guess that's what makes this extremely difficult to accept.   I've never been one to show weakness.  My pride usually gets the best of me and I keep the hurt to myself... now, pride doesn't matter.  What matters is the truthfulness of what I feel and how I seem utterly helpless in this situation.  I don't want it to be the end... I have this fantasy of how things will play out and how everyone will "live happily ever after".  But by now, we all know that it's different in real life.  Everything can change and all can be taken away in the blink of an eye... no road signs warning us of a dead end.  The water looked so calm and peaceful that we foolishly jump in.  Guess what?  What's beneath the surface is a current so turbulent, it rips you apart . But see, that's the thing about life... and love... it may not always be ideal, sometimes it's even harsh but it does raise a few red flags.  It's just up to us to look for them.  And maybe I just didn't see them... or maybe I didn't want to see them... No one is really to blame for the turn of events, they just happened the way they were supposed to.   I may not like the outcome but what's done is done and i'll just have to live with it.  We deserve to be happy... and i wish you could be happy with me.. Am I hopeful?  Jaded perhaps? I don't know, all I know is i'm not ready to let it go... to let you go... I'm gonna have to wake up tomorrow and put on a smile again.  It's gonna be another run of the "Anna is ok" charade and I don't know how long I can keep that up.  It sucks... it really does... and i'm tired.  And honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm just waiting to finally have the strength to block all thoughts of you and to cut you off emotionally from my life.  I'm waiting for the day that i'll grow up and won't even flinch at your name... and I'm waiting for my smile to be real again... but ultimately... I'm waiting for you.. I miss you.. and I want you back..