...-=Empty Hearts=-...

I remember one day, walking with Michael on our way to the Moonlight Cinema the Summer I met him how anxious he was and I asked him what was wrong and he just started bagging his ex.. why they broke up and everything that she did that annoyed him. Then he suddenly stopped talking and walking at the same time, and looked me in the eye and then asked: "I wonder where all the love we had for each other go?"

And I ask myself the same question right now.

Losing yourself to someone, loving someone so much that you give your all to them... Thinking and feeling that the other person is the other half of your wholeness... then one day - it's gone.

The feeling.

Where does love go when it fades away?

I dont harbor hatred in my heart. I've learned to let go of anger and pain awhile back as I find that it is just myself that I punish. The pain of looking back at all the hurt, suffering and pain. Unrequited love and lost.. all of these are too negative for me to handle. I've learned that I'd rather dwell on the happy thoughts and look forward to having more happiness in my life. I would rather focus on seeing the beauty of all things living and share the love I have inside.

So.. I cant really say that there is no love inside my heart. And where an old chapter of my love and life used to live, there grows a more beautiful story to cherish and share.

-=Shattered Shadows of Pink=-...

I've always thought of you as the person who I loved the most, cared for the most and have given my all to you - and yet, that is not enough. You said you love me and yet you abuse me.. no, you haven't laid a finger on me.. but the verbal abuse is more painful than a slap on the face or a punch in the guts. What hurts the most is when you accused me of not being there by your side and not giving you emotional support when I have completely lost myself in you - and yet that was not enough. You may not be aware of how the way you have treated me has crushed my spirit but mostly my heart. Though you were the love of my life, the month that I've lived with you was the most depressing month of my life, all the abuse I copped.. You never listened to a thing that I said only hearing what you wanted to hear.. and you ask me "what's wrong? why am I sad?" You're nice to me whenever you want to.. on your terms. But I have done nothing good for you. And you ask me "why am I miserable?"

I am sad to let you go.. Sad to move on from you.. You have been the greatest love of my life.. But none of these all mean to you..

And then you tell me that "You love me.. REALLY!"

If that is how you show your love, I'd rather not be shown it nor given it, for I have found a love where there is equality, understanding and can be together harmoniously... Of course it's not perfect and that we have arguments that are just plain silly. But what's important is that there is RESPECT and TRUST. And that is LOVE.

I'm sad to say goodbye this time as I know that this will be the final goodbye. I have cried so many tears.. for you. They were not worth it.

Goodbye.

...-=And So It Begins=-...

In 22 days I will be turning 33. Scary! I have yet to reflect on the things that I have accomplished, things that I have changed and things that I still have to do. I am getting old and yet, I look young. However, I feel that I am old. Yes - my looks haven't changed much since I was in my mid 20's. In fact some people have mentioned that I look younger now than before and I'm thankful for it. Though I feel somewhat old. And it's scary that I am turning 33 in a few weeks. 33 years old and not much has changed aside from the fact that I have moved on from a destructive relationship and that I have redeemed myself. I have a job which I love and I consider it as a career. I met a lovely and gorgeous man who inspires me to do beautiful things, a man who loves me and cares for me and despite the fact that he is hundreds of miles away.. he is there for me. I am closer to my family who I love and cherish deeply. I have friends who are just beautiful and loving.

Hmmm... I suppose that's a start. A good start really. It will be my new year soon.. 33! Changes and more changes! It will all soon begin.

La bella vita.

...-=Crash=-...

And the cookie crumbled! Forgetting that I am my own happiness and sanity.
Last night.. but most specially tonight was the lowest point of my life.

I just broke down. I had a meltdown. I wanted to disappear.

I still want to disappear.

...-=Is It Really That Complex??=-...

Man... even Bob Marley got it! Why can't you? I feel like printing the quote above from BM, laminate it in super hard plastic and attach it on a wooden frame so I can bang this on your head! C'mon, I am all of the above to you.. and you know it! Don't let me be hitting you with my plackard on your head! You know you love me....

...-=Strike Me Now=-...

I am battling the worst insomnia I've had in years! The past few nights has been an absolute dread with making sleep... creating sleep and just sleeping! Maximum sleep I've had this week so far is a total of 29 hours.. that is less than 5 hours of sleep in 7 days! Averaging of 3-4 hours sleep in a day! Why, I dont know! All I know is that my mind and my body is not coping too well. Not feeling re-energized and feeling really woozy in the mornings is not so great at all! I just want to sleep... and have a good nights rest... I dont have to dream... I just want to sleep!

Let me sleep... give me sleep... let my body and mind be at peace!

...-=Colours=-...

I want to lay down on a twirling bed and watch the ceiling turn into a big kaleidoscope. And watch all the colours and shapes turn and change. I sometimes wish that I can watch life like that.. in a way that I can enjoy everything! Every single thing! I wish I can say that life is like the colours of which is in a kaleidoscope.. pretty, bright and beautiful. No black, gray or white. Just the beautiful colours of the rainbow.

Then life is beautiful.