...-=The Thinker=-...

I have been reading this book called "Practicing the Power of Now" again. The last time I read that book was last year and didnt manage to finish it cos 'I was busy'. I know, it's such a slack, non-sense excuse. If I have time to go out and surf the net, then that means I have time to read it. I read the "Power of Now" when I was in Europe and it made wonders... made a change, a big difference with me. It changed me in a good way. Though not many people understoon what happened... some of them got confused and eventually became angry... but after talking to them, making them realise what just happened to me... I just said "it's either you deal with it OR you leave it."

 

I came back from Europe with a less complicated life. Sure I had my little issues that In guess all people have. I used to find them really petty and would just shrug it off after a few minutes of thinking about it, realising that - it is an absolute waste of time and energy! My biggest problem them was work - and I made sure that I fixed the problem by looking for a better one. Hmmm... I used to be good with dealing with my problems... I guess since then, things have changed.

 

"Do I have a problem?" - That is the question.

 

If I would want to simplify my life, I can. I will just drop my friends and live in a cave by myself. Will not bring my laptop nor my mobile phone. Will make sure to bring lots of books with me and maybe before I go move to my cave, I will invest on getting a dog. That would be enough company.

 

But you see, I believe that no man is an island. We can not live by ourselves. Will not be happy just by being by ourselves. We need a companion... otherwise it will be a life with no love. Besides, we learn more about ourselves when we interact with others... learn more about life that way. Living in a cave is a coward option of solving your problems... it's not even a way of solving your problems - but more so. running away from it.

 

I miss my old self though. When I was really patient, loving and forgiving. I have changed... and I know that for a fact. I have come to realise that I do love my friends and will give them my time, will put so much effort into the friendship and will every now and then forgive them for being silly, of course with a little slap in the wrist so they wont forget what they have done. BUT I have also realised that I can only take so much. I can only forgive and forget to an extent. If I realise that they're not really putting that much effort into the friendship, I lose interest, because I love my friends and respect them and see them as an important person in my life and I expect the same from them. It has happened already... I have no more love, interest not even slight care for a couple of them. After putting too much effort and care only to have been dissed, lied to and let down... can you blame me?

 

I have some people in my life who I just cant drop though. Maybe it's because I have too much love for them and no matter how they do me wrong, I over-see it; MW for instance. Hmmm... I can never understand and will never understand why. I just love him.

 

I have learnt this from Eckahrt Tolle's "Power of Now", that if you really like/love someone and you think that it is worth it, then you DEAL with it. But if you think it's just too much and not worth your time, then you LEAVE IT. I remember saying this this to Iris before when I was in Poland and were talking about her problems with Poitr. And she said it does make sense, although quite hard to practise in our daily lives. But my point is, why would you waste your time with some people who really doesnt give a shit about you?!!! Hmmm.... again, some special people are exempted to this rule.

 

I am currently trying to observe the "Thinker" in me. It is what's giving me the problems, the stress and worries that I dont need. I just need to be able to step back and look and observe at the "Thinker" without critisizing and being judgemental towards it cos if you do start doing that, it is once again the "Thinker" who is in control and NOT the being. It is going to be one hell of a job... BUT will be all worth it in the end. I just miss the calm and Zen me.

 

In the mean time, I will try and use this blog wisely by not writing any more negative and angry entries/post. Instead, will try to document my progress in acquiring the old "happy" me. Wish me luck as I will be needing it.

 

This is going to be the start of a new adventure which will be self-enriching spiritually, mentally and emotionally. About time I do something good for myself.

 

Carpe Diem!

...-=AWAKENED + ENLIGHTENED=-...

Last night, after the wee hours, I had the most amazing discovery of all... That I am starting to fall out of love.... But why? I think I'm just tired and just had enough.... And with further investigation, I found out that he will never change...

I still love him... and will always do.... but I am starting to fall out of love.... with him....

And that's the best thing I can ever do for myself....

...-=Understated=-...

"I am a good person. I deserve better."

...-=This Thing I Call Love=-...

Patience
+
Tolerance
+
Understanding
+
Giving
+
Thoughtful
+
Calmness
+
Peace
+
Excitement
+
Happiness
+
Sadness
+
Supportive
+
Tears
+
Laughter
+
Pleasure
+
Pain

=
Mark Andrew Wylie

...-=Happy Birthday Anyway=-...

I love him... like so very much. But I have to admit, sometimes the things that says are very painful that sometimes it gets me thinking.... "why am I here?" I am indeed a very patient person. I have this high tolerance to nastiness and "the other ugly things" to those who is close to my heart. But sometimes I feel like smacking them right in the head and tell them to go get fucked. I sound angry... am I? Well, not really... I just want to release some of the frustrations that I am feeling right now. It's been happening for the past 3 weeks... hell! Are they trying to push me away or something? No... cos I am an important person in their lives - as they say. *sighs* If being important means being treated in a nasty way... well, I dont want to be that important person in your life anymore... but, I love him and cant live without him. So... yes... will just continue to put up with the shit instead.. until I've had enough anyway. Complicated... thats what they call it.

-Happy Birthday anyway...

...-=The Night I Gave In To Nutella=-...

You'd think this is going to be a funny post - you're wrong! I just thought I'd put that as the title as I never really give in to food cravings after midnight - but Nutella sandwiches is my weakness at the moment.... YUM!
Anyway, I'm here to talk about my little insecurities. And how I sometimes tend to forget that we all feel a bit insecure every now and then... it just depends on how psycho you are feeling (or hormonal as some of girlies would say). I remember when I was young, I used to be compared to my cousin Tessa. Cos she's a better ballet dancer and a better singer. She's taller than me and rides horses better. Can bake and cook and has all the confidence that a young girl would want! I on the other hand was smaller, cos I was always sick when I was younger. My asthma didnt help me much when I was growing up. It stunted my growth. I couldn't dance longer - meaning I can't practice ballet longer or I'll have a bad asthma attacks. I then developed stage fright and was too shy to perform (sing and dance) at parties that my family has organised. I can cook - well, I helped my Mum in the kitchen when I was young... but we had maids back then - she didn't have to cook all the time and I didn't have to help the maids with their chores - that's what they get paid for! Anyway, my family was a bit cruel for comparing us all the time and though she was my bestest cousin, I sort of resented her for some little things too. When we were in our teenage years, she developed earlier than I did. Meaning, she had boobs at the age of 12 and her period just before she turned 13. Therefore, she was considered an adult by most of our family. I was then the young one - who needs to follow into her footstep. I was getting so annoyed that I sometimes didn't want to see her as that means I'll have to put a bit more effort into whatever it is that we're doing cos I have to impress my family. I eventually became a "young lady" when I was 13 yrs old - OK, a month before I turned 14. I was so proud of that moment. I was a young lady! Not knowing what that really meant. More competition! Who would have the first boyfriend, the first kiss, the first date... etc... I saw less of her then, our meeting limited to the summer break when we had to go to the province for the Easter Holidays at the old Family House. There, we took turns showing off who can do what, who can do better in whatever.... One thing I know for sure though is that I was prettier than her. Even when we were younger. Only she's got higher cheek-bones, but I've got a nicer complexion and better shaped eyes and face. It's silly thinking about it now... but that all mattered to me before - and I had to hear it! I made sure that I get more attention from the boys as she is getting more attention from our family. But she is more of a tomboy than I am - I was really girly! I'd rather sit and watch the boys ride their bikes rather than race my bike with them, Tessa did that and got their attention too. I eventually just got over it. I thought, ok - in our family, you can be the star... I can be the supporting act. I am prettier and that's whats important (my being vain started at a young age too, but that is a different story).
Then years past... we were in university. It was starting all over again! Who's in the best university, why didnt I study mass communications etc... I didnt care anymore. I had friends who I didnt compete with, but hang out with and look pretty with. I had a boyfriend and I was happy. I seldom go out, but didnt really care. Tessa became a part of a band. She sings at a bar on the weekends so she had an on-going social life. I wasn't boring but the little rebel at home... you know, the "pain-in-the-neck" teenager to my parents. Both Tessa and I brought tears and pains to our parents, just in different levels I suppose. Plus Tessa's parents, specially her Dad was more relaxed. My Dad was the strict Catholic Dad. Tessa and I continued to see each other during the summer breaks at the old Family House in the province and we spent a lot of time catching up - we never really admitted to each other that we were competing with each other. A few years has passed and one day I just found out that she was pregnant. "But she's not married?!" - I heard the family saying. I was sort of happy that at least I haven't out-done her on that one! My Dad would've killed me if that was me! I was also happy for her... I like babies and cant wait to have my own, but she got hers first. Problem now is, she needs to get married. Hmmmm.... Why? Cos we're Catholic and we belong to a well-known family back in Quezon Province. So she did get married - for the sake of the baby. I'm sure her husband loves her... otherwise he wouldn't have done it. I again was feeling jealous and insecure. My fiance has just left me... I was alone and had no one... she was pregnant and getting married.

Until....................

I found a blog. Her blog. And she wrote how she was jealous and insecure of me since we were young. She said I had it all. How I didnt have to go to ballet lessons cos I was sick, hence I can play more with my dolls and my friends. How I didnt have to help out in the kitchen cos we have maids. How there's no pressure on me on parties cos I didnt have to do anything but just enjoy my dessert. How when we were "young adults" the boys would ask her about me. How when I was with my boyfriend, she was never really with hers - it was a non-formal relationship. When she got pregnant she was worried about what our family would think and so she had to get married. And now that she's married, she sometimes think why she married the guy that she knows didnt really intend to marry her at all - if not for the baby.

I was sad.... all the while..... We both had our own little insecurities. After reading her blog, I thought I should learn to appreciate myself more. My achievements. I know there are some pressure from my family about when I'm going to get married and start my own family. But I'm not ready for that yet. I am still enjoying myself. The right time will come along....

As for my cousin Tessa.... I'm sure she's doing fine. I'm sure her husband loves her. She's one of the most domesticated girl I've ever met. A really good cook! Can sing lullabye's to her son and can sing and dance infront of a big crowd. She is one fine lady! I am proud of her - of her achievements! And I am proud of myself too... for not letting those little silly insecurities get into me and eat me alive! I am happy with what I've got. I am happy to be me.

...-=Never Easy=-...

I've always been very understanding and giving to the people who I love. I never expect anything in return - but just kindness. I sometimes feel disappointed that some people who are close to my heart can't just do that. I suppose that's what "free will" means. I love him... so much. I love him with all my heart. I love him to death. But yes, "free will". Still I choose to stay. That is my own "free will". It's a bit fucked up, but nothing is perfect in this crazy world of ours. I choose stay because I love him. I choose to be by his side. There will be many more disappointments to come and I guess I'll just have to face them like I do every single time it comes to me - accept and face it with dignity, gracefully. Some people think I'm crazy and that I deserve better, but I think I know what's better for me and that's him. Otherwise I will never be here... by his side. It is never easy... Life and love are both never easy. It will always be complicated, but that will teach me to be a better person - wiser and stronger. I will have to accept all the challenges that my stubborness will throw me cos it's my own choice - my own free will. Only God knows where this will lead me and I always pray that something good will come out of it. I am only following what my heart is telling me to do because despite all the dramas - he makes me happy. I am happy.