...-=The Night I Gave In To Nutella=-...

You'd think this is going to be a funny post - you're wrong! I just thought I'd put that as the title as I never really give in to food cravings after midnight - but Nutella sandwiches is my weakness at the moment.... YUM!
Anyway, I'm here to talk about my little insecurities. And how I sometimes tend to forget that we all feel a bit insecure every now and then... it just depends on how psycho you are feeling (or hormonal as some of girlies would say). I remember when I was young, I used to be compared to my cousin Tessa. Cos she's a better ballet dancer and a better singer. She's taller than me and rides horses better. Can bake and cook and has all the confidence that a young girl would want! I on the other hand was smaller, cos I was always sick when I was younger. My asthma didnt help me much when I was growing up. It stunted my growth. I couldn't dance longer - meaning I can't practice ballet longer or I'll have a bad asthma attacks. I then developed stage fright and was too shy to perform (sing and dance) at parties that my family has organised. I can cook - well, I helped my Mum in the kitchen when I was young... but we had maids back then - she didn't have to cook all the time and I didn't have to help the maids with their chores - that's what they get paid for! Anyway, my family was a bit cruel for comparing us all the time and though she was my bestest cousin, I sort of resented her for some little things too. When we were in our teenage years, she developed earlier than I did. Meaning, she had boobs at the age of 12 and her period just before she turned 13. Therefore, she was considered an adult by most of our family. I was then the young one - who needs to follow into her footstep. I was getting so annoyed that I sometimes didn't want to see her as that means I'll have to put a bit more effort into whatever it is that we're doing cos I have to impress my family. I eventually became a "young lady" when I was 13 yrs old - OK, a month before I turned 14. I was so proud of that moment. I was a young lady! Not knowing what that really meant. More competition! Who would have the first boyfriend, the first kiss, the first date... etc... I saw less of her then, our meeting limited to the summer break when we had to go to the province for the Easter Holidays at the old Family House. There, we took turns showing off who can do what, who can do better in whatever.... One thing I know for sure though is that I was prettier than her. Even when we were younger. Only she's got higher cheek-bones, but I've got a nicer complexion and better shaped eyes and face. It's silly thinking about it now... but that all mattered to me before - and I had to hear it! I made sure that I get more attention from the boys as she is getting more attention from our family. But she is more of a tomboy than I am - I was really girly! I'd rather sit and watch the boys ride their bikes rather than race my bike with them, Tessa did that and got their attention too. I eventually just got over it. I thought, ok - in our family, you can be the star... I can be the supporting act. I am prettier and that's whats important (my being vain started at a young age too, but that is a different story).
Then years past... we were in university. It was starting all over again! Who's in the best university, why didnt I study mass communications etc... I didnt care anymore. I had friends who I didnt compete with, but hang out with and look pretty with. I had a boyfriend and I was happy. I seldom go out, but didnt really care. Tessa became a part of a band. She sings at a bar on the weekends so she had an on-going social life. I wasn't boring but the little rebel at home... you know, the "pain-in-the-neck" teenager to my parents. Both Tessa and I brought tears and pains to our parents, just in different levels I suppose. Plus Tessa's parents, specially her Dad was more relaxed. My Dad was the strict Catholic Dad. Tessa and I continued to see each other during the summer breaks at the old Family House in the province and we spent a lot of time catching up - we never really admitted to each other that we were competing with each other. A few years has passed and one day I just found out that she was pregnant. "But she's not married?!" - I heard the family saying. I was sort of happy that at least I haven't out-done her on that one! My Dad would've killed me if that was me! I was also happy for her... I like babies and cant wait to have my own, but she got hers first. Problem now is, she needs to get married. Hmmmm.... Why? Cos we're Catholic and we belong to a well-known family back in Quezon Province. So she did get married - for the sake of the baby. I'm sure her husband loves her... otherwise he wouldn't have done it. I again was feeling jealous and insecure. My fiance has just left me... I was alone and had no one... she was pregnant and getting married.

Until....................

I found a blog. Her blog. And she wrote how she was jealous and insecure of me since we were young. She said I had it all. How I didnt have to go to ballet lessons cos I was sick, hence I can play more with my dolls and my friends. How I didnt have to help out in the kitchen cos we have maids. How there's no pressure on me on parties cos I didnt have to do anything but just enjoy my dessert. How when we were "young adults" the boys would ask her about me. How when I was with my boyfriend, she was never really with hers - it was a non-formal relationship. When she got pregnant she was worried about what our family would think and so she had to get married. And now that she's married, she sometimes think why she married the guy that she knows didnt really intend to marry her at all - if not for the baby.

I was sad.... all the while..... We both had our own little insecurities. After reading her blog, I thought I should learn to appreciate myself more. My achievements. I know there are some pressure from my family about when I'm going to get married and start my own family. But I'm not ready for that yet. I am still enjoying myself. The right time will come along....

As for my cousin Tessa.... I'm sure she's doing fine. I'm sure her husband loves her. She's one of the most domesticated girl I've ever met. A really good cook! Can sing lullabye's to her son and can sing and dance infront of a big crowd. She is one fine lady! I am proud of her - of her achievements! And I am proud of myself too... for not letting those little silly insecurities get into me and eat me alive! I am happy with what I've got. I am happy to be me.

...-=Never Easy=-...

I've always been very understanding and giving to the people who I love. I never expect anything in return - but just kindness. I sometimes feel disappointed that some people who are close to my heart can't just do that. I suppose that's what "free will" means. I love him... so much. I love him with all my heart. I love him to death. But yes, "free will". Still I choose to stay. That is my own "free will". It's a bit fucked up, but nothing is perfect in this crazy world of ours. I choose stay because I love him. I choose to be by his side. There will be many more disappointments to come and I guess I'll just have to face them like I do every single time it comes to me - accept and face it with dignity, gracefully. Some people think I'm crazy and that I deserve better, but I think I know what's better for me and that's him. Otherwise I will never be here... by his side. It is never easy... Life and love are both never easy. It will always be complicated, but that will teach me to be a better person - wiser and stronger. I will have to accept all the challenges that my stubborness will throw me cos it's my own choice - my own free will. Only God knows where this will lead me and I always pray that something good will come out of it. I am only following what my heart is telling me to do because despite all the dramas - he makes me happy. I am happy.