...-=Mind F*ck=-...

When is a mind-fuck a mind-fuck?!
That is the question.

The last time I checked you were 37, not 16.
The last time I checked you were hot, not cold.
The last time I checked you were mature, not childish.
The last time I checked you were upfront, not a liar.

I'm over mind games.
Not yours, not anybody's.

So say yes if it's a yes and no if it's a no.

Simple.

...-=My Intuition=-...

I met him once and felt like I've known him a lifetime.
He was arrogant, obnoxious and rude at times
Yet he made me laugh, he made me smile, he gave me butterflies in my stomach.
Same night I met him, I thought I liked him, we liked each other
We made each other laugh and smile
And alas, made each other feel frustrated with each other.
We parted with the intention of never seeing each other again.
We broke each others heart that night we first met.
Well he broke my heart anyway.. not sure about his..

And now he's back again. Almost.

Second wind.

Second time is sweeter?

I dont know...

But my gut says "go for it" - "go for him"

I've met other men aside from him after MW left.. but something deep inside me tells me he might be the one.

Who knows.

It makes me smile.. it makes my heart smile.

For now that's what's important.

Friday. See you.

Who knows.

...-=Recap of 2011=-...

This year went really fast... and there has been a few heartaches and of course some great achievements and happiness.

I wouldn't say that it has been an easy year, but thanks to Susan Penno - my spiritual teacher, she has helped me get thru so many challenges such as breaking up with Michael who has been my bestfriend, lover and confidante. Like all things, it had to end and it wasn't very easy... but I had to remind myself that I am Number 1. That I should love myself more than I would love anybody else and of course, my self worth. I still love him and will always love him no matter what happens, but will have to move on.

I have also lost a friend along the way... but to be honest, she wasn't really my friend in the first place. Let's just say that I have let go of a lot if negativity this year and that includes my old job.

I really cant remember much of what's happened this year, but I know that I've let go of the man that I love, found a great job and have been drinking less. Also have realised that I have less friends who I can really rely on.. so that was interesting.

So..... I will be welcoming 2012 with a new friend tomorrow... in a place where I've never been before with his friends. I will be spending New Years Eve with total strangers far away from where I'm from and I'm hoping that this means I'm going to meet new friends in 2012 and also be in new places.

2012 will be very interesting as it is the year of "major changes" and not the end of the world.

Looking forward to it!

...-=Stars & A Heart of Gold=-...

I was having a hard time this week.. with work and health and have been so emotional that I cracked up tonight and cried and cried and cried until my doona was soaking wet with tears. It's been a while since I've had a proper cry... I can't remember the last time I actually had a good cry. I used to hold it back before and try to compose myself after a minute or two.. but tonight, I don't know why I just let it all out. Perhaps its because there is no room for air in my chest anymore that I can no longer hide the hurt & the pain deep inside me.

I tried to connect with my Spirit Guide and felt Him with me. He was holding me the whole time and crying with him felt like I was releasing a heavy burden within me. Slowly slowly I was feeling lighter whilst at the same time the tears just kept on flowing. I was one with my pain and at the same time the peace that was consuming every single bit of it.. it was so bitter-sweet. Releasing all of it whilst being healed by the brightness, lightness and sweetness of letting go of the pain and the hurt - comes peace & serenity.

After the last tear dropped I got this message from my other Guide Veronica... it was beautiful.. and so fitting.. I thought I'd share it with you..

Being in physical reality can be a harsh experience. Focusing completely upon the linear reality is often a difficult endeavor.

The important thing to realise is how magnificent your soulful energy actually is. It has the ability to break through the denseness and create the Utopian reality that you deserve. One just needs to maintain their relationship with their soul to achieve it!

Decide that you are indeed powerful and engage it. The physical reality responds when you believe in yourself. Do not let past failures influence your moment in the now. Become positive while allowing negative enactments to dissipate. Whatever has occurred will be modified by your current perspective and participation.

At the end of the day, it is you who will decide how to proceed. Do so with clarity and focus.

The physical reality is wrought with pitfalls and difficulty. You are able to rise above it all.

Belief in that is crucial.

Belief in yourself needs to be steady.

Belief in a good outcome is the main ingredient for success.

Yes, it is a difficult time.

However, you are an incredible being.

Own it.

Be it.

See what occurs."

-VERONICA

It is a beautiful message and it touched me.. I hope you all liked it too.. xx

PS: Veronica didn't put the star and the love heart in the message.. I did. And it's because I want to let you know that you are a star with a heart of gold!

...-=Black Clouds and the Dog=-...

I've been feeling pretty down this weekend.

First of, it didn't help that I stayed when I should've left when this girl last Friday who I was hanging out was embarrassing the shit out of me.. I forgot to walk away!

Second of all, I've put two dress sizes and it made me feel like poo! And of course, none of my friends understands because in their eyes I'm still tiny because I'm petite but from a size to a size 1o.. that is pretty depressing really!

Third of all, I just feel so lonely. I actually miss having someone. Bichichi made a good point that I need to just open up and it will all flow.

I think what I really need to do is to start exercising - then it will all flow.

I'm going to sleep now cos all these things are bothering me and I think all I need to do is just sleep it off and hopefully all these feelings would disappear.

A xx

...-=Thank YOU=-...

Tonight will be a short entry as its quite late and really need to go sleep soon... BUT

Thank you:

* To Torrents for giving me a free version of Lion OS X hehe
* Ex boyfriends for showing and teaching me how to love
* Old School Mates for making me laugh whilst bringing me down to memory lane of way back when our problems were cramming for exams, doing homeworks and trying to get extra pocket money to spend for lunch!

And.. I love my MAC for giving me pleasure tonight.

Sorry mostly petty stuff, but it sure did made my day today!

A xx

...-= Songs of My Soul=-...

I have been singing a lot lately. I actually miss singing.. I know I have the voice for it and I used to sing anyway so I'm not sure why I've stopped. Judgments. Of myself and others - there, I've just answered my own question! hehe!

Anyway, I saw this really cool film last night called August Rush as per Bichichi's advice and man... I was blown away! Really cool film! It's one of those films that makes your heart happy and your soul richer! After watching the film, I had magickal dreams... like I was somewhere where my heart and soul really wanted me to be and when I woke up this morning, I still had that feeling. In fact, when I was work, I was still feeling the same way. So bizarre.. but lovely and beautifully bizarre!

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Being alive - as I can live the most joyous adventure
* Love - cos it makes me feel alive :)
* Hope - cos without it, there will be less love

1 thing I Loved Today:

Seeing Anita actually... it's good to see someone from outside work and be able to talk about other stuff.

Anyway, I wish that you all sing, feel & follow your heart's desire.

A xx

...-=Full Moon Ah-wooooo=-...

So it's the full moon tonight! :)

Normally on a full moon I feel so anxious, sad, confused, empty and all those other weird feelings of loneliness. But tonight, I went to a Full Moon Ceremony and feel so bliss-ed by it all! Such an awesome and magickal experience! I met some really great people who has filled the room with so much love!

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Maria Bichichi, for introducing me to great and awesome people in the Shamanic world.
* Violeta & Daniela for giving me a truly magickal and awesome experience tonight
* My spirit guides for always being there for me

1 Thing I Loved Today:

I loved having have spent the time to myself. It felt as if it was a gift to bring myself to catch a bus all the way to South Coogee (such a hike!) as I've just had the most amazing experience in my path to living a Spiritual life.

Blessings to one and all and dont forget to say hello to the Full Moon! :)

A xx

...-=FRYday=-...

I was giggling to myself today as I was at work sitting at my desk working whilst listening to the radio and this song came up and I started dancing and it made me happy. I also was singing a lot today which is quite good. :)

I've realised that I have taken a lot of Michael's qualities with me and it suits my personality! hehe! Expressions that reminds me of him that I often see and hear myself doing or saying.. It's funny! But I like it. :)

Anyway... today Friday at work wasn't that great. But I think Stacey knows what's going on and it's kinda hard when they've set expectations... it's heartbreaking when you dont reach that expectations.

I also want to smooch with someone from work... haha!

So.... here's the 3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Dance like no one's watching!
* Sing like no one's watching too!
* Sense if Humour - because without it I'd be a mess. :)

1 Thing I love today:

It's a Friday!!! :)

It's the full moon tomorrow and I really want to go to Coogee for the full moon celebrations. I'm sure the universe will find me a way...

Oh, and here's a full moon mantra that I received from Chakra Cooperative. I thought it was too beautiful not to share!

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. -

-Buddah

Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!

A xx

...-=Lightness, Peace & Serenity=-...

I found myself smiling to myself tonight. I think it's because I have achieved what I wanted from Michael since we broke up - peace from him. Last night really did help. Getting an answer from him helped me so much.. he will not understand. As I've told him last night, I'm not asking him for us to be friends again, but I am not closing my doors to him at the same time. Time heals and love heals. In due time we will both heal and be friends again.

I feel happy... light and happy. :)

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* The smiling dog outside office 34 in our office building. He was so warm and just really friendly and mate me give him a pat and a cuddle... I love his silky soft fur too! :)
* Crockie (Roberto Tozzi), because no matter what other people say or think about him.. I know he's a great guy and he will always be one of my closest friends.
* Michael, because no matter how dramatic he can be sometimes and can be so awfully frustrating.. I always learn from him or of him.

1 Thing I Love:

The feeling of PEACE, LIGHTNESS & SERENITY I am feeling at the moment after that "talk" with Michael. I am now free to grow with no feeling of heaviness inside my heart.

Sharing the love and lightness to each and everyone of you!

A xx

...-=I Surrender=-...

Tonight was an extra-ordinary night.. And I have a lot of things to be really grateful for. Let me start now...

Things I'm Grateful For:

* Joining Sarah for drinks tonight.. as she has given me an opportunity to shine in what I do best.
* For seeing Garima tonight, she's given me her trust that I will make her special day extra special and smooth the way it should be.
* Chatting with Pen on Skype tonight.. she was my Skype Angel and have helped me with so many trying things tonight.
* My power of annoyance. As I got Michael to communicate with me and tell me what really is the matter.
* Patience, because without it I would have completely lost the plot.
* Forgiveness, because if not for it I would still have been lost.
* Beating the ego and making peace with it. Cos now I feel so much lighter have been able to let go.

And 1 Thing I Love:

MYSELF - because no one would love me the way I would want to be loved except myself. The rest would just follow as it is a 2 way mirror.

Tonight I learnt that you can fight fire with love.. then the fire turns to love because love is the most powerful force in the Universe.

A xx

...-=I am Grateful For=-...

So as mentioned yesterday, I will from now on write 3 things that I am grateful for and 1 think that I love. I find that this way, I help raise my positive energy and vibrations.

So, here's the three things I'm grateful for:

* the internet - it gives me the information that I need. :p
* Susan's Spiritual Devt. Class - it lifts me up and feeds my soul positivity and lightness
* Tuesday nights - hot chocolate with Sarah at Bill & Tony's :)

1 Thing I Love:

* British TV!!! It really is entertaining!

I also want to share with you a website which I visit every now and then whenever I'm feeling a bit lost:

http://skillsforawakening.com/

And a tip when feeling a bit down over something or someone.. or just feeling a bit angry or negative about something, someone or a situation: "SEND IT LOVE" if you can't send it from your heart.. ask the Universe to send it for you.. :)

Enjoy your night!

A xx

...-=Something Beautiful I Want To Share=-...

I got this email tonight and thought it was too beautiful not to share... Enjoy!

Argue for your limitations and they're yours.
-Richard Bach, Illusions

Growing up, we all receive comments on our self-worth and abilities. We also
have experiences that leave us with beliefs about ourselves and every area of
life- relationships, health, success, prosperity, and our own value as a person.
These comments and experiences, whether positive or negative, shape our
beliefs about what is possible for us in life. Do any of the following sound
familiar?

- You're a good girl (or boy.)
- You can't draw.
- You're good in sports. - You sing off key- just mouth the words.
- You'll never amount to anything.
- Relationships are difficult
- There's never enough money.
- You certainly have a gift with words.
- What makes you think you could be successful?

So now you're an adult, and you want to achieve your dreams. But all the
old limiting experiences still exist inside, telling you all the reasons why you
can't do what you want. You may also have other limitations, like being
too aware of other's opinions, not trusting yourself and Spirit for guidance,
or being more concerned with security in life than passion in living. Perhaps
you have discovered that "instant transformation" in a week-end doesn't
often happen. The process of understanding and working with those
apparent limitations takes time and patience. Imagine that you are weeding
the inner garden of yourself, lovingly and patiently releasing the old to plant
the new seeds. Step by step, you CAN recognize the beliefs that limit you
and change them.

How often have you said things to yourself or out loud such as:
- I'm stuck.
- I'll never get past this one.
- It's hard to change.

So- guess what- what you claim is what you get! When you say words like
this out loud or to yourself, you are continuing to claim your limitations. The
words say that you don't believe change is possible or that you're actually
not willing to change! Pay attention to your words, and start by changing
the way you talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are willing to change and grow.

Affirm that you are guided to any help you need in releasing the past. Go
to the mirror and tell yourself all the positive, encouraging messages you
wish you'd received in childhood. Talk to your Inner Child in a loving way.
Be committed to choosing thoughts that build you up and nurture you rather
than criticizing.

I call this "clearing the old menu items." Clear the past and create new items
for the Menu of Life! Use some of these affirmations to assist you:

-I have clear insights that assist me in releasing the past.
-I am willing to believe that I deserve a wonderful life.
-I begin my new life in this moment.
-I am willing to open my arms and claim the wonderful, fulfilling life I deserve.
-I choose to believe it is easy to clear the menu items I no longer want.
-Any resource I need for my emotional and spiritual healing
comes to me quickly and easily.

Be patient with yourself as you focus on the changes you want to make.
Resist the temptation to "should" on yourself and create more stress! Take
time to journal and meditate and visualize the changes you want. Give
yourself lots of support and praise for the changes you do make, however
small.

What I know is that changing your life takes focus and commitment.
You are creating new mental patterns, so the more aware you are of your
thoughts on a daily basis, the faster you can change them to what you DO
want and then create wonderful new experiences.

And if you want to see some amazing positive change in your life, we
encourage you to attend a workshop, study group, or teleclass with
one of our trained Heal Your Life® teachers. The groups they conduct
are truly life-changing! If there isn't an HYL teacher near you, we also
have HYL Coaches who can work with you over the phone.

Make this the year you really go for your dreams! Not only will you
find greater fulfillment, the whole Universe will thank you.

...-=The New Moon=-...

So a lot has happened with me since I've broken up with Michael. I miss him and everything but life's too short and it goes on and will have to go on with or without him. My Spiritual Class with Susan has helped me cope with the break up. It wasn't as painful as it was but I think I still have yet to cope with him not being a part of my life anymore. It's so hard that he does not want to communicate with me - I really don't like that.

But what I really need to focus on at the moment are the things that I need to be grateful for and appreciate the things that I love. As Susan has told us before, we have to write 3 things that we are grateful for and 3 things that we love. I don't know if I can give 3 things that I love each day... I will try. But I'm sure 1 will be okay too.

So here we go...

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* My loving family - for they always put a smile on my face.
* My new nephew - Mark Andre.. he is just adorable and I love him so much!
* My 2 nieces - Faye & Chelsea.. they always make my heart flutter and make me feel so loved!!!

1 Thing I Love:

I love Susan, my spiritual teacher. She always knows how to guide me and makes me feel so alive.

Ok, so that's it for today. I will try and make this as my daily habit. Also, will try and see if I can get some wish spells for the new moon from Susan tomorrow for me to be able to share with you.

Enjoy the start of your week!

A xx

...-=Strange Fuzzy Feeling=-...

So... a lot of things has happened since my last post.

Let's start of with... Me & Michael breaking up!

Well, I broke up with him a week before my birthday.. so the week he was meant to arrive in Sydney. I uninvited him to my birthday drinks and then it was a chaotic week whilst he was here. I have to admit that the chaotic week was all because of me and was of course self-inflicted. Too much drinking, not enough sleep and trying to cause him too much pain resulted in a not so very nice post-break up thing. And of course I felt so bad and so guilty and I have apologised and meant it but have not heard from him so.. I'm just letting him be. Time will come when he is ready and I hope and pray that I will still be open to it.

Second of all... I have made peace with the Chew-meister! He's good fun.. he makes me laugh.. We have admitted that we can be potentially disastrous to each other so we can only have small doses of each other. :) Well, as long as I have a dose of him every now and then.... ;)

And finally.... I have joined RSVP! Aha! LOL!!! So freakin overwhelming! There's a few nice guys out there but to be honest, I'm scared of meeting with them! I mean.. how do you start??? What do you say?? Where do you begin?? To be honest, I dont think I'm ready for it as yet.. but oh well.. they entertain me. :) hehe!!

So that's the update for now.. I will let you know of my adventures on the online dating scene... One thing's for sure.. my Spirit Guide's not happy with it at all but it will be worth the journey... or the comedy of it all! :)

...-=RESPECT=-...

The thing I've learnt from past relationships, most specially the one before this last one was learning to respect myself. Learning to love myself and learning to know when to stop giving.

Regardless of how much you love the person, and yes even if you love them more than they love you back, you know that you should stop when that person whom you love no longer has respect for you. Unfortunately it does happen. You love too much that sometimes you forget about yourself, and the next thing you know, you're this little puppy dog following the person around asking and begging for their attention. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE AND REFUSE TO BE IN THE SAME SITUATION EVER AGAIN.

It took me a long time to realise that I have low self-esteem when I was with Chew.. I have given too much that I didnt save any for myself. I promised myself that this will never happen again and it wont. No matter how painful it is to let go of the person, no matter how much I love him and yes, I will truly miss him SO MUCH... I AM IMPORTANT. I AM NUMBER ONE!

At the end of the day,
how can someone love when they dont love themselves?
How will people respect you when you cant even respect yourself?
It all starts from within.. and that goes the same with happiness..

I LOVE MYSELF AND RESPECT MYSELF. I AM YET TO BE HAPPY AGAIN, BUT AFTER I HEAL FROM THIS PAIN, THEN HAPPINESS WILL FLOW THRU ME ONCE AGAIN.

I AM LOVE AND I AM LIGHT.

...-=The Way I Feel Right Now=-...

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

(Oooooh)

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say, women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again, I see, the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
What you had...
Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, oh, oh you'll know

...-=Disneyland=-...

I would rather go to Disneyland with the person I love than get married! The thousands of $$ that we'll spend will be spent in our Disneyland hotel and Disneyland pass! Hehehe!!! Well, of course we'll get married too but it will be just a small civil ceremony and maybe lunch/dinner with close family and friends and then.... DISNEYLAND!!! Hehehehe!! I think this way we can let our inner child enjoy the union of two adults in love! Hahaha!!!

I cant wait for Disneyland! M-I-C-K-E-Y - M-O-U-S-E!!!

...-=Amen to Gregg=-...

‎"When we do reach a point in life when we really want to open up and share ourselves with another person, we reach inside for our love, only to find that it's gone and has left a reservoir of emptiness in its place. We discover that we've lost ourselves little by little to the very experiences that we trust enough to allow them into our lives."

"The good news here is that those parts of ourselves that seem to be absent are never really gone. It isn't as though they're obliterated forever...they're part of our truest essense, a part of our soul. And just as the soul can never be destroyed, the core of our true nature can never be lost. It's simply masked and hidden for safekeeping. To recognize how we do the masking is to embark upon a fast path of healing. Calling back to us the parts of ourselves that we've lost may be the greatest expression of our personal mastery."  -The Divine Matrix, page 177-178, Gregg Braden

It is self explanatory. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

...-=LOVE=-...

Is such a beautiful thing.

Most special when it's shared and given back.

Accepted and not judged.

Respected and trusted.

Love. YOU.