Tutti Frutti Bannana Smoothie

...-=Recap of 2011=-...

2011-12-29T18:19:00.004+11:00

This year went really fast... and there has been a few heartaches and of course some great achievements and happiness.

I wouldn't say that it has been an easy year, but thanks to Susan Penno - my spiritual teacher, she has helped me get thru so many challenges such as breaking up with Michael who has been my bestfriend, lover and confidante. Like all things, it had to end and it wasn't very easy... but I had to remind myself that I am Number 1. That I should love myself more than I would love anybody else and of course, my self worth. I still love him and will always love him no matter what happens, but will have to move on.

I have also lost a friend along the way... but to be honest, she wasn't really my friend in the first place. Let's just say that I have let go of a lot if negativity this year and that includes my old job.

I really cant remember much of what's happened this year, but I know that I've let go of the man that I love, found a great job and have been drinking less. Also have realised that I have less friends who I can really rely on.. so that was interesting.

So..... I will be welcoming 2012 with a new friend tomorrow... in a place where I've never been before with his friends. I will be spending New Years Eve with total strangers far away from where I'm from and I'm hoping that this means I'm going to meet new friends in 2012 and also be in new places.

2012 will be very interesting as it is the year of "major changes" and not the end of the world.

Looking forward to it!

...-=Stars & A Heart of Gold=-...

2011-12-07T00:40:00.000+11:00

I was having a hard time this week.. with work and health and have been so emotional that I cracked up tonight and cried and cried and cried until my doona was soaking wet with tears. It's been a while since I've had a proper cry... I can't remember the last time I actually had a good cry. I used to hold it back before and try to compose myself after a minute or two.. but tonight, I don't know why I just let it all out. Perhaps its because there is no room for air in my chest anymore that I can no longer hide the hurt & the pain deep inside me.

I tried to connect with my Spirit Guide and felt Him with me. He was holding me the whole time and crying with him felt like I was releasing a heavy burden within me. Slowly slowly I was feeling lighter whilst at the same time the tears just kept on flowing. I was one with my pain and at the same time the peace that was consuming every single bit of it.. it was so bitter-sweet. Releasing all of it whilst being healed by the brightness, lightness and sweetness of letting go of the pain and the hurt - comes peace & serenity.

After the last tear dropped I got this message from my other Guide Veronica... it was beautiful.. and so fitting.. I thought I'd share it with you..

Being in physical reality can be a harsh experience. Focusing completely upon the linear reality is often a difficult endeavor.

The important thing to realise is how magnificent your soulful energy actually is. It has the ability to break through the denseness and create the Utopian reality that you deserve. One just needs to maintain their relationship with their soul to achieve it!

Decide that you are indeed powerful and engage it. The physical reality responds when you believe in yourself. Do not let past failures influence your moment in the now. Become positive while allowing negative enactments to dissipate. Whatever has occurred will be modified by your current perspective and participation.

At the end of the day, it is you who will decide how to proceed. Do so with clarity and focus.

The physical reality is wrought with pitfalls and difficulty. You are able to rise above it all.

Belief in that is crucial.

Belief in yourself needs to be steady.

Belief in a good outcome is the main ingredient for success.

Yes, it is a difficult time.

However, you are an incredible being.

Own it.

Be it.

See what occurs."

-VERONICA

It is a beautiful message and it touched me.. I hope you all liked it too.. xx

PS: Veronica didn't put the star and the love heart in the message.. I did. And it's because I want to let you know that you are a star with a heart of gold!

...-=Black Clouds and the Dog=-...

2011-08-28T22:34:00.002+10:00

I've been feeling pretty down this weekend.

First of, it didn't help that I stayed when I should've left when this girl last Friday who I was hanging out was embarrassing the shit out of me.. I forgot to walk away!

Second of all, I've put two dress sizes and it made me feel like poo! And of course, none of my friends understands because in their eyes I'm still tiny because I'm petite but from a size to a size 1o.. that is pretty depressing really!

Third of all, I just feel so lonely. I actually miss having someone. Bichichi made a good point that I need to just open up and it will all flow.

I think what I really need to do is to start exercising - then it will all flow.

I'm going to sleep now cos all these things are bothering me and I think all I need to do is just sleep it off and hopefully all these feelings would disappear.

A xx

...-=Thank YOU=-...

2011-08-17T02:35:00.003+10:00

Tonight will be a short entry as its quite late and really need to go sleep soon... BUT

Thank you:

* To Torrents for giving me a free version of Lion OS X hehe
* Ex boyfriends for showing and teaching me how to love
* Old School Mates for making me laugh whilst bringing me down to memory lane of way back when our problems were cramming for exams, doing homeworks and trying to get extra pocket money to spend for lunch!

And.. I love my MAC for giving me pleasure tonight.

Sorry mostly petty stuff, but it sure did made my day today!

A xx

...-= Songs of My Soul=-...

2011-08-16T00:12:00.002+10:00

I have been singing a lot lately. I actually miss singing.. I know I have the voice for it and I used to sing anyway so I'm not sure why I've stopped. Judgments. Of myself and others - there, I've just answered my own question! hehe!

Anyway, I saw this really cool film last night called August Rush as per Bichichi's advice and man... I was blown away! Really cool film! It's one of those films that makes your heart happy and your soul richer! After watching the film, I had magickal dreams... like I was somewhere where my heart and soul really wanted me to be and when I woke up this morning, I still had that feeling. In fact, when I was work, I was still feeling the same way. So bizarre.. but lovely and beautifully bizarre!

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Being alive - as I can live the most joyous adventure
* Love - cos it makes me feel alive :)
* Hope - cos without it, there will be less love

1 thing I Loved Today:

Seeing Anita actually... it's good to see someone from outside work and be able to talk about other stuff.

Anyway, I wish that you all sing, feel & follow your heart's desire.

A xx

...-=Full Moon Ah-wooooo=-...

2011-08-14T00:13:00.002+10:00

So it's the full moon tonight! :)

Normally on a full moon I feel so anxious, sad, confused, empty and all those other weird feelings of loneliness. But tonight, I went to a Full Moon Ceremony and feel so bliss-ed by it all! Such an awesome and magickal experience! I met some really great people who has filled the room with so much love!

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Maria Bichichi, for introducing me to great and awesome people in the Shamanic world.
* Violeta & Daniela for giving me a truly magickal and awesome experience tonight
* My spirit guides for always being there for me

1 Thing I Loved Today:

I loved having have spent the time to myself. It felt as if it was a gift to bring myself to catch a bus all the way to South Coogee (such a hike!) as I've just had the most amazing experience in my path to living a Spiritual life.

Blessings to one and all and dont forget to say hello to the Full Moon! :)

A xx

...-=FRYday=-...

2011-08-13T01:23:00.002+10:00

I was giggling to myself today as I was at work sitting at my desk working whilst listening to the radio and this song came up and I started dancing and it made me happy. I also was singing a lot today which is quite good. :)

I've realised that I have taken a lot of Michael's qualities with me and it suits my personality! hehe! Expressions that reminds me of him that I often see and hear myself doing or saying.. It's funny! But I like it. :)

Anyway... today Friday at work wasn't that great. But I think Stacey knows what's going on and it's kinda hard when they've set expectations... it's heartbreaking when you dont reach that expectations.

I also want to smooch with someone from work... haha!

So.... here's the 3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* Dance like no one's watching!
* Sing like no one's watching too!
* Sense if Humour - because without it I'd be a mess. :)

1 Thing I love today:

It's a Friday!!! :)

It's the full moon tomorrow and I really want to go to Coogee for the full moon celebrations. I'm sure the universe will find me a way...

Oh, and here's a full moon mantra that I received from Chakra Cooperative. I thought it was too beautiful not to share!

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. -

-Buddah

Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!

A xx

...-=Lightness, Peace & Serenity=-...

2011-08-12T00:41:00.002+10:00

I found myself smiling to myself tonight. I think it's because I have achieved what I wanted from Michael since we broke up - peace from him. Last night really did help. Getting an answer from him helped me so much.. he will not understand. As I've told him last night, I'm not asking him for us to be friends again, but I am not closing my doors to him at the same time. Time heals and love heals. In due time we will both heal and be friends again.

I feel happy... light and happy. :)

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* The smiling dog outside office 34 in our office building. He was so warm and just really friendly and mate me give him a pat and a cuddle... I love his silky soft fur too! :)
* Crockie (Roberto Tozzi), because no matter what other people say or think about him.. I know he's a great guy and he will always be one of my closest friends.
* Michael, because no matter how dramatic he can be sometimes and can be so awfully frustrating.. I always learn from him or of him.

1 Thing I Love:

The feeling of PEACE, LIGHTNESS & SERENITY I am feeling at the moment after that "talk" with Michael. I am now free to grow with no feeling of heaviness inside my heart.

Sharing the love and lightness to each and everyone of you!

A xx

...-=I Surrender=-...

2011-08-11T02:18:00.002+10:00

Tonight was an extra-ordinary night.. And I have a lot of things to be really grateful for. Let me start now...

Things I'm Grateful For:

* Joining Sarah for drinks tonight.. as she has given me an opportunity to shine in what I do best.
* For seeing Garima tonight, she's given me her trust that I will make her special day extra special and smooth the way it should be.
* Chatting with Pen on Skype tonight.. she was my Skype Angel and have helped me with so many trying things tonight.
* My power of annoyance. As I got Michael to communicate with me and tell me what really is the matter.
* Patience, because without it I would have completely lost the plot.
* Forgiveness, because if not for it I would still have been lost.
* Beating the ego and making peace with it. Cos now I feel so much lighter have been able to let go.

And 1 Thing I Love:

MYSELF - because no one would love me the way I would want to be loved except myself. The rest would just follow as it is a 2 way mirror.

Tonight I learnt that you can fight fire with love.. then the fire turns to love because love is the most powerful force in the Universe.

A xx

...-=I am Grateful For=-...

2011-08-09T23:34:00.003+10:00

So as mentioned yesterday, I will from now on write 3 things that I am grateful for and 1 think that I love. I find that this way, I help raise my positive energy and vibrations.

So, here's the three things I'm grateful for:

* the internet - it gives me the information that I need. :p
* Susan's Spiritual Devt. Class - it lifts me up and feeds my soul positivity and lightness
* Tuesday nights - hot chocolate with Sarah at Bill & Tony's :)

1 Thing I Love:

* British TV!!! It really is entertaining!

I also want to share with you a website which I visit every now and then whenever I'm feeling a bit lost:

http://skillsforawakening.com/

And a tip when feeling a bit down over something or someone.. or just feeling a bit angry or negative about something, someone or a situation: "SEND IT LOVE" if you can't send it from your heart.. ask the Universe to send it for you.. :)

Enjoy your night!

A xx

...-=Something Beautiful I Want To Share=-...

2011-08-08T21:24:00.004+10:00

I got this email tonight and thought it was too beautiful not to share... Enjoy!

Argue for your limitations and they're yours.
-Richard Bach, Illusions

Growing up, we all receive comments on our self-worth and abilities. We also
have experiences that leave us with beliefs about ourselves and every area of
life- relationships, health, success, prosperity, and our own value as a person.
These comments and experiences, whether positive or negative, shape our
beliefs about what is possible for us in life. Do any of the following sound
familiar?

- You're a good girl (or boy.)
- You can't draw.
- You're good in sports. - You sing off key- just mouth the words.
- You'll never amount to anything.
- Relationships are difficult
- There's never enough money.
- You certainly have a gift with words.
- What makes you think you could be successful?

So now you're an adult, and you want to achieve your dreams. But all the
old limiting experiences still exist inside, telling you all the reasons why you
can't do what you want. You may also have other limitations, like being
too aware of other's opinions, not trusting yourself and Spirit for guidance,
or being more concerned with security in life than passion in living. Perhaps
you have discovered that "instant transformation" in a week-end doesn't
often happen. The process of understanding and working with those
apparent limitations takes time and patience. Imagine that you are weeding
the inner garden of yourself, lovingly and patiently releasing the old to plant
the new seeds. Step by step, you CAN recognize the beliefs that limit you
and change them.

How often have you said things to yourself or out loud such as:
- I'm stuck.
- I'll never get past this one.
- It's hard to change.
So- guess what- what you claim is what you get! When you say words like
this out loud or to yourself, you are continuing to claim your limitations. The
words say that you don't believe change is possible or that you're actually
not willing to change! Pay attention to your words, and start by changing
the way you talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are willing to change and grow.

Affirm that you are guided to any help you need in releasing the past. Go
to the mirror and tell yourself all the positive, encouraging messages you
wish you'd received in childhood. Talk to your Inner Child in a loving way.
Be committed to choosing thoughts that build you up and nurture you rather
than criticizing.
I call this "clearing the old menu items." Clear the past and create new items
for the Menu of Life! Use some of these affirmations to assist you:
-I have clear insights that assist me in releasing the past.
-I am willing to believe that I deserve a wonderful life.
-I begin my new life in this moment.
-I am willing to open my arms and claim the wonderful, fulfilling life I deserve.
-I choose to believe it is easy to clear the menu items I no longer want.
-Any resource I need for my emotional and spiritual healing
comes to me quickly and easily.

Be patient with yourself as you focus on the changes you want to make.
Resist the temptation to "should" on yourself and create more stress! Take
time to journal and meditate and visualize the changes you want. Give
yourself lots of support and praise for the changes you do make, however
small.
What I know is that changing your life takes focus and commitment.
You are creating new mental patterns, so the more aware you are of your
thoughts on a daily basis, the faster you can change them to what you DO
want and then create wonderful new experiences.
And if you want to see some amazing positive change in your life, we
encourage you to attend a workshop, study group, or teleclass with
one of our trained Heal Your Life® teachers. The groups they conduct
are truly life-changing! If there isn't an HYL teacher near you, we also
have HYL Coaches who can work with you over the phone.
Make this the year you really go for your dreams! Not only will you
find greater fulfillment, the whole Universe will thank you.

...-=The New Moon=-...

2011-08-08T20:01:00.002+10:00

So a lot has happened with me since I've broken up with Michael. I miss him and everything but life's too short and it goes on and will have to go on with or without him. My Spiritual Class with Susan has helped me cope with the break up. It wasn't as painful as it was but I think I still have yet to cope with him not being a part of my life anymore. It's so hard that he does not want to communicate with me - I really don't like that.

But what I really need to focus on at the moment are the things that I need to be grateful for and appreciate the things that I love. As Susan has told us before, we have to write 3 things that we are grateful for and 3 things that we love. I don't know if I can give 3 things that I love each day... I will try. But I'm sure 1 will be okay too.

So here we go...

3 Things I'm Grateful For:

* My loving family - for they always put a smile on my face.
* My new nephew - Mark Andre.. he is just adorable and I love him so much!
* My 2 nieces - Faye & Chelsea.. they always make my heart flutter and make me feel so loved!!!

1 Thing I Love:

I love Susan, my spiritual teacher. She always knows how to guide me and makes me feel so alive.

Ok, so that's it for today. I will try and make this as my daily habit. Also, will try and see if I can get some wish spells for the new moon from Susan tomorrow for me to be able to share with you.

Enjoy the start of your week!

A xx

...-=Strange Fuzzy Feeling=-...

2011-06-16T02:18:00.002+10:00

So... a lot of things has happened since my last post.

Let's start of with... Me & Michael breaking up!

Well, I broke up with him a week before my birthday.. so the week he was meant to arrive in Sydney. I uninvited him to my birthday drinks and then it was a chaotic week whilst he was here. I have to admit that the chaotic week was all because of me and was of course self-inflicted. Too much drinking, not enough sleep and trying to cause him too much pain resulted in a not so very nice post-break up thing. And of course I felt so bad and so guilty and I have apologised and meant it but have not heard from him so.. I'm just letting him be. Time will come when he is ready and I hope and pray that I will still be open to it.

Second of all... I have made peace with the Chew-meister! He's good fun.. he makes me laugh.. We have admitted that we can be potentially disastrous to each other so we can only have small doses of each other. :) Well, as long as I have a dose of him every now and then.... ;)

And finally.... I have joined RSVP! Aha! LOL!!! So freakin overwhelming! There's a few nice guys out there but to be honest, I'm scared of meeting with them! I mean.. how do you start??? What do you say?? Where do you begin?? To be honest, I dont think I'm ready for it as yet.. but oh well.. they entertain me. :) hehe!!

So that's the update for now.. I will let you know of my adventures on the online dating scene... One thing's for sure.. my Spirit Guide's not happy with it at all but it will be worth the journey... or the comedy of it all! :)

...-=RESPECT=-...

2011-05-19T00:12:00.003+10:00

The thing I've learnt from past relationships, most specially the one before this last one was learning to respect myself. Learning to love myself and learning to know when to stop giving.

Regardless of how much you love the person, and yes even if you love them more than they love you back, you know that you should stop when that person whom you love no longer has respect for you. Unfortunately it does happen. You love too much that sometimes you forget about yourself, and the next thing you know, you're this little puppy dog following the person around asking and begging for their attention. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE AND REFUSE TO BE IN THE SAME SITUATION EVER AGAIN.

It took me a long time to realise that I have low self-esteem when I was with Chew.. I have given too much that I didnt save any for myself. I promised myself that this will never happen again and it wont. No matter how painful it is to let go of the person, no matter how much I love him and yes, I will truly miss him SO MUCH... I AM IMPORTANT. I AM NUMBER ONE!

At the end of the day,
how can someone love when they dont love themselves?
How will people respect you when you cant even respect yourself?
It all starts from within.. and that goes the same with happiness..

I LOVE MYSELF AND RESPECT MYSELF. I AM YET TO BE HAPPY AGAIN, BUT AFTER I HEAL FROM THIS PAIN, THEN HAPPINESS WILL FLOW THRU ME ONCE AGAIN.

I AM LOVE AND I AM LIGHT.

...-=The Way I Feel Right Now=-...

2011-05-18T21:05:00.001+10:00

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

(Oooooh)

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say, women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again, I see, the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...
What you had...
Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, oh, oh you'll know

...-=Disneyland=-...

2011-04-28T19:10:00.002+10:00

I would rather go to Disneyland with the person I love than get married! The thousands of $$ that we'll spend will be spent in our Disneyland hotel and Disneyland pass! Hehehe!!! Well, of course we'll get married too but it will be just a small civil ceremony and maybe lunch/dinner with close family and friends and then.... DISNEYLAND!!! Hehehehe!! I think this way we can let our inner child enjoy the union of two adults in love! Hahaha!!!

I cant wait for Disneyland! M-I-C-K-E-Y - M-O-U-S-E!!!

...-=Amen to Gregg=-...

2011-04-19T04:11:00.001+10:00

‎"When we do reach a point in life when we really want to open up and share ourselves with another person, we reach inside for our love, only to find that it's gone and has left a reservoir of emptiness in its place. We discover that we've lost ourselves little by little to the very experiences that we trust enough to allow them into our lives."

"The good news here is that those parts of ourselves that seem to be absent are never really gone. It isn't as though they're obliterated forever...they're part of our truest essense, a part of our soul. And just as the soul can never be destroyed, the core of our true nature can never be lost. It's simply masked and hidden for safekeeping. To recognize how we do the masking is to embark upon a fast path of healing. Calling back to us the parts of ourselves that we've lost may be the greatest expression of our personal mastery." -The Divine Matrix, page 177-178, Gregg Braden

It is self explanatory. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

...-=LOVE=-...

2011-04-17T02:37:00.002+10:00

Is such a beautiful thing.

Most special when it's shared and given back.

Accepted and not judged.

Respected and trusted.

Love. YOU.

...-=Rain=-...

2011-03-21T18:47:00.001+11:00

The black dog is back again.

It's a tough challenge... battling with myself.

Up, down. Up, down.

Sometimes I find that I'm actually okay, but most of the time I'm not.

I'm hoping and praying and working hard to make the black dog go away.
I hate this feeling.

I want to be set free once again.

...-=Black Hole=-...

2011-03-21T01:55:00.000+11:00

I cried buckets of tears tonight... I don't know why, but I just did.

I also realised that on Friday night and tonight - Sunday, pretty much the same time, I thought about killing myself.

But then I thought, what would Kevin (flatmate) do?!

It's been one of those weird days and night and week... when I feel so horrible. It doesn't help that Michael's not here, but I just feel so awful and profoundly sad and lonely. I told my bestfriend Possum about my thoughts and I'm glad that he used his humour in reply to what I said.

I just hope and pray that I get over this feelings soon.

...-=Because I Love You=-...

2011-02-28T00:30:00.003+11:00

No matter what challenges you're facing.. no matter how tough it can be sometimes, remember that no matter what happens, I'll be here for you and will love you for the rest of my life.

Through the good times and bad times monkey... Never forget that I love you and you are not alone.

...-=Can Loving Be So Tiring?=-...

2011-02-27T22:05:00.002+11:00

I really want Michael to move back to Sydney soon. The longer he stays in Perth, the more he feels isolated and feel alone. I went out last night to my friend's birthday party and got home a bit more drunk than I normally am and because I was feeling a bit insecure and jealous about Michael moving to another girl's place, I decided to abuse him both by text and Skype. He never replied to any of them.

This afternoon, we had a little chat about it. He asked me why I was jealous to which I answered, it's normal - I get jealous every now and then. He then questioned our relationship & love for each other and his stability as a person how he's thinking that he can't make me happy... I had to reassure him that I love him and he makes me happy and he shouldn't be doubting that because whatever happens, may he be near or far, we will always be together and I will always be there for him.

After talking to him, I felt so heavy and drained. I love him, but we don't need dramas like this in our lives. It's hard enough that we are not in the same city and we don't need any other dramas to make our relationship more complicated.

I love him but tonight, I just cant deal with it. I am tired.

...-=Angels=-...

2011-02-25T00:12:00.001+11:00

Some angels will come and go throughout your life, depending upon your circumstances and needs. But your core guardian angels will remain consistent. - Doreen Virtue

This is so true! And I'm so happy that my Angels- Archangel Michael & Michael Wells, have and will always be there for me.

I have been blessed with the most beautiful and loving people in my life. It is true what they say that after a while, no matter how tough things seems to be, it will all work out and be okay in the end.. because they are meant to be.

I love you my Monkey. Thank you for the love, the understanding and for having the faith in us.

...-=Buon Natale=-...

2010-12-26T11:29:00.002+11:00

Merry Christmas everybody! :) I hope you've all had a good Christmas and have not eaten too much (highly unlikely!) hehehe.

My Christmas has been great! Well the lead up to it has been really good. Went to a really sexy & magical island in Fiji with my monkey after a few months of not seeing each other. Then Christmas eve was all about the kids with both Faye and Chelsea getting a lot of pressies from "Santa" as they've both been really good girls. Christmas day the family all went to Bella Vista as Tita Vic is staying with Tita Nini whilst she's out of palliative care for 2 days for Christmas (with the condition that "Pugante" will not be there.) And we had such a great time just seeing Tita Vic happy. I applied make up on her and made sure she looked pretty for Christmas. Tita Yeye, Tita Dulce together with Tito Jun Villaverde went to visit her too so that was good. :)

Monkey went home to Albury to spend time with his family at the farm but he will be back on the 28th December and we'll celebrate NYE together. He sent me an email saying he's had a ball spending time with his family and he'll be going fish camping with his brothers and nephews today and horse riding tomorrow then back to my arms the next! Yay!

So far, everything's been great... I mean if Kuya Ian and his family were here then it would've been perfect.

Anyway, wishing each one of you have had a great Christmas and New Year is just around the corner! ;)

...-=Moonshine=-...

2010-11-22T23:16:00.002+11:00

I'm scared of losing myself to somebody else's world again and so sometimes I think I'm sabotaging my own relationships. As they say, relationships are both give and take.. never about compromise. But sometimes I worry that I am the one who's giving more and I don't think it's fair. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but this is how I really feel. As much as I love him it's too difficult to just give everything away. It was so easy before, but now... I don't know what's happened to me.

I love him, with all my heart. But I need to leave some for myself too. But I love him.. I really do.

Bless.

...-=And So The Story Goes=-...

2010-11-11T10:15:00.003+11:00

That I love him..

And YES, that I would want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I love you my monkey moo.. I cant wait to have more beautiful years with you.. with lots of love and light. xxx

...-=Woooo!!!=-...

2010-10-06T03:15:00.000+11:00

I am so in love with the most beautiful man that I know! :)

Thank you for being so kind, caring and sensitive.

For always being there for me.

For always listening to me.

For always just being you despite my craziness.

For always making me smile and laugh and burst into giggles.

For always reassuring me that it is okay to sometimes act silly too.

For sharing my passions with me.

For letting me be.

For letting me grow.

For letting me be a part of you.

For letting me share my love with you.

For letting me share my LIFE with you.

I love you. xxx

...-=Angels of the Ocean=-...

2010-10-03T01:07:00.002+10:00

After watching the documentary "The Cove", I was angry by the ignorance of the Japanese fishermen in Taiji, Japan. I feel like flying over there to smack them in their silly little heads and maybe feed them to Orca!

If you haven't seen the documentary, please do. It is truly an eye opener.

Please let's all help STOP the killing of dolphins in Taiji, Japan by signing this petition.

...-=Breathless=-...

2010-09-27T21:37:00.003+10:00

I have nothing else to say but...

...-=Bloomin' & Shinin'=-...

2010-09-06T23:59:00.002+10:00

Happy Spring!

I forgot to write a post for the first day of Spring as I've been really busy with work. But I hope you've all made your wishes to bloom together in time with the flowers and shine brightly like the sunshine.. farewell to the 5pm sunsets.. hello 6am sunrise! :)

Not much has happened.. but I just want to thank the universe for the blessings that I've been showered so far. All I can ask & hope for is for me to have better health this year. I've had enough of doctors visits & tests and medications. I've made new friends this year which are my GP & my surgeon's receptionists. They're all pretty cool and very nice and compassionate.. Specially Dr Shamila.. she's started bulk billing my visits to her when really she is a private GP. :)

I went to visit Michael in Perth and nothing has changed.. he's still the same sweetheart that he is. If anything, our love for each other has grown stronger and it seems as if we are closer and more open to each other. I cant wait to see him again.. and heaven permit, we're going away together maybe after my surgery to just enjoy each others company again and just be able to relax and not worry about my health issues and other stuff. I miss him so much but it's no longer painful, as I know that we are connected by the universe.. we are one.

Thank you for also blessing me with a loving family and friends.. for blessing me with a loving partner who loves me unconditionally.. for blessing me with other great things that I can ever ask for but I'm hoping and wishing and praying that I get better before the end of the year. As much as I can tolerate the pain now, I think I'd rather have it fixed and gone instead.. I'd rather have great health than anything material at the moment... that is all I ask for.. I wish for.. this Spring.

...-=And It Was Not So=-...

2010-08-05T01:35:00.001+10:00

I have been following this couple who met on Flickr and fell in love the past couple of years ago precisely the time I met Marc Otto and he was telling me that long distance relationship can work. Well the guy Aaron who is from NC, USA met this girl Rosie who's from England, UK via Flickr. They were top photographers and they fell in love from sharing beautiful photos. They eventually met up and has been travelling back and forth to the UK and USA. Anyway, it was a beautiful love story. I remember feeling so jealous of the love they had for each other and sometimes just looking at their photos together, it made me feel like being a part of their relationship. I then "broke up" with Marc Otto (it wasn't really a relationship though as it was an online one?) and met a beautiful guy called Michael (hello monkey!) and then tonight, my computer crashed.

My friend had to re-install a new OS and all my files and drivers got deleted. I guess what's important is that its currently running and I can connect to the net. Then I thought, I should check online for photos and logged on to Flickr which then reminded me of Rosie and Aaron. I checked.. and they are no longer together. Aaron has posted a photo of a girl called Avery and apparently she's now his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Rosie is now back in England (she moved to America for him) and if I would base my assumptions with her photos, she is feeling lonely. She probably knows that Aaron has now moved on (quite quickly I may say so too - as they broke up in Feb when she moved back to the UK and come late March he was already with Avery). It was just so sad. It made me feel sad thinking that something so beautiful can sometimes end too. Which brings me to think.. that Friday next week, when I see Michael in Perth (hello monkey!), we will be talking about us, our plans and things that may be.

Scared, nervous and just silently freaking out = ME.

In the end.. love is all that counts.

...-=And So It Goes=-...

2010-08-02T00:26:00.002+10:00

Wow! This year really has been a "very special" year with lots of changes and obstacles to get over with. One thing's for sure.. I know who my true friends are. and I'm just happy that I have beautiful and loving people around me. I'm going to Perth soon to see Michael and will then be able to see where our relationship is going. So far, things have been going great, but of course it's a bit difficult not being together.. however as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I have currently deactivated my Facebook account cos of the amount of stupidity that people posts in there and the never ending dramas that people posts in there too.

And yes, so I have turned into an anti-social.. well, just for a couple of months or so anyway..

Until next time.. when I'm not being moody. That's probably when I've stopped taking my medication... *sigh*

Looking forward to those proper "happy days"

...-=Tired=-...

2010-07-29T01:44:00.003+10:00

I feel so tired tonight..
Well, actually I'm tired of everything and almost everybody at the moment.
I'm tired of trying to fix others people's issues and resolving conflicts when really I have far more important things to worry about like my health.

So to those who thinks they have BIGGER issues in their lives

A big F*CK YOU to YOU!

...-=Empty Hearts=-...

2010-06-18T22:35:00.003+10:00

I remember one day, walking with Michael on our way to the Moonlight Cinema the Summer I met him how anxious he was and I asked him what was wrong and he just started bagging his ex.. why they broke up and everything that she did that annoyed him. Then he suddenly stopped talking and walking at the same time, and looked me in the eye and then asked: "I wonder where all the love we had for each other go?"

And I ask myself the same question right now.

Losing yourself to someone, loving someone so much that you give your all to them... Thinking and feeling that the other person is the other half of your wholeness... then one day - it's gone.

The feeling.

Where does love go when it fades away?

I dont harbor hatred in my heart. I've learned to let go of anger and pain awhile back as I find that it is just myself that I punish. The pain of looking back at all the hurt, suffering and pain. Unrequited love and lost.. all of these are too negative for me to handle. I've learned that I'd rather dwell on the happy thoughts and look forward to having more happiness in my life. I would rather focus on seeing the beauty of all things living and share the love I have inside.

So.. I cant really say that there is no love inside my heart. And where an old chapter of my love and life used to live, there grows a more beautiful story to cherish and share.

-=Shattered Shadows of Pink=-...

2010-06-03T22:51:00.003+10:00

I've always thought of you as the person who I loved the most, cared for the most and have given my all to you - and yet, that is not enough. You said you love me and yet you abuse me.. no, you haven't laid a finger on me.. but the verbal abuse is more painful than a slap on the face or a punch in the guts. What hurts the most is when you accused me of not being there by your side and not giving you emotional support when I have completely lost myself in you - and yet that was not enough. You may not be aware of how the way you have treated me has crushed my spirit but mostly my heart. Though you were the love of my life, the month that I've lived with you was the most depressing month of my life, all the abuse I copped.. You never listened to a thing that I said only hearing what you wanted to hear.. and you ask me "what's wrong? why am I sad?" You're nice to me whenever you want to.. on your terms. But I have done nothing good for you. And you ask me "why am I miserable?"

I am sad to let you go.. Sad to move on from you.. You have been the greatest love of my life.. But none of these all mean to you..

And then you tell me that "You love me.. REALLY!"

If that is how you show your love, I'd rather not be shown it nor given it, for I have found a love where there is equality, understanding and can be together harmoniously... Of course it's not perfect and that we have arguments that are just plain silly. But what's important is that there is RESPECT and TRUST. And that is LOVE.

I'm sad to say goodbye this time as I know that this will be the final goodbye. I have cried so many tears.. for you. They were not worth it.

Goodbye.

...-=And So It Begins=-...

2010-05-01T23:58:00.003+10:00

In 22 days I will be turning 33. Scary! I have yet to reflect on the things that I have accomplished, things that I have changed and things that I still have to do. I am getting old and yet, I look young. However, I feel that I am old. Yes - my looks haven't changed much since I was in my mid 20's. In fact some people have mentioned that I look younger now than before and I'm thankful for it. Though I feel somewhat old. And it's scary that I am turning 33 in a few weeks. 33 years old and not much has changed aside from the fact that I have moved on from a destructive relationship and that I have redeemed myself. I have a job which I love and I consider it as a career. I met a lovely and gorgeous man who inspires me to do beautiful things, a man who loves me and cares for me and despite the fact that he is hundreds of miles away.. he is there for me. I am closer to my family who I love and cherish deeply. I have friends who are just beautiful and loving.

Hmmm... I suppose that's a start. A good start really. It will be my new year soon.. 33! Changes and more changes! It will all soon begin.

La bella vita.

...-=Crash=-...

2010-01-28T23:43:00.001+11:00

And the cookie crumbled! Forgetting that I am my own happiness and sanity.
Last night.. but most specially tonight was the lowest point of my life.

I just broke down. I had a meltdown. I wanted to disappear.

I still want to disappear.

...-=Is It Really That Complex??=-...

2010-01-27T01:41:00.003+11:00

Man... even Bob Marley got it! Why can't you? I feel like printing the quote above from BM, laminate it in super hard plastic and attach it on a wooden frame so I can bang this on your head! C'mon, I am all of the above to you.. and you know it! Don't let me be hitting you with my plackard on your head! You know you love me....

...-=Strike Me Now=-...

2010-01-25T02:36:00.001+11:00

I am battling the worst insomnia I've had in years! The past few nights has been an absolute dread with making sleep... creating sleep and just sleeping! Maximum sleep I've had this week so far is a total of 29 hours.. that is less than 5 hours of sleep in 7 days! Averaging of 3-4 hours sleep in a day! Why, I dont know! All I know is that my mind and my body is not coping too well. Not feeling re-energized and feeling really woozy in the mornings is not so great at all! I just want to sleep... and have a good nights rest... I dont have to dream... I just want to sleep!

Let me sleep... give me sleep... let my body and mind be at peace!

...-=Colours=-...

2010-01-24T01:50:00.002+11:00

I want to lay down on a twirling bed and watch the ceiling turn into a big kaleidoscope. And watch all the colours and shapes turn and change. I sometimes wish that I can watch life like that.. in a way that I can enjoy everything! Every single thing! I wish I can say that life is like the colours of which is in a kaleidoscope.. pretty, bright and beautiful. No black, gray or white. Just the beautiful colours of the rainbow.

Then life is beautiful.

...-=Stillness=-...

2010-01-18T02:34:00.001+11:00

And tonight I feel so at peace with myself. Like a feather so light, that's how I feel. I dont want to question this feeling as it is what I wanted. Though I cant help but wonder how it happened.

I suppose in the end what matters is I have peace in my heart and in my mind.

...-= When It Rains, It Pours=-...

2010-01-14T02:03:00.001+11:00

Its raining tonight... complete with loud thunder and sharp lightnings! Its awesome... the feeling is like as if the rain is cleansing all the sorrow in my heart and in mind and I feel like forgiving those who have hurt me and the people close to my heart.... Bliss!

I am not ready to write about how my start of the year 2010 was. It is still to early, too fresh and still a bit too painful.

But I believe that in every struggle there will be some victory and I trust that things can only get better.

With light, love and more positive vibes!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

...-=2009=-...

2009-12-31T03:52:00.005+11:00

It's 3:24am here in Sydney and this is my last entry for the year 2009. So many things have happened this year with lots of smiles, laughter and a few goodbyes and tears. I can't sleep and I just thought maybe I'd write something here.... The last hurrah for 2009!

2009 started quite well with some friendships flourishing and a couple just waned off. It was the inevitable. Career wise was challenging but I have managed to get my act together, get the courage to move away from my comfort zone and say goodbye to a pretty toxic work environment. I'm now on to a better one but I have bigger dreams and goals for 2010 and I'm so looking forward to it!

Drum roll on..... Love life!!! where do I start???? I was not planning of falling in love and yet it happened. Slowly but surely. I found my confidante, lover, bestfriend and soul mate in him... but as the song goes... "some good things never last...." We are still friends, he just had to move away interstate to find himself, for personal and spiritual growth. I will always be fond of him and will always have a special place in my heart.

I also said goodbye to an old love of mine.... He had to go away to fix himself health wise. It was so painful as he was the love of my life. This guy has given me the strength to become a better person... a stronger person. He has made me realise how much I should value myself. How I deserve to be happy. These were the things that he has never given me but made me realise that I deserve so much better than him. Despite all that, I loved him and to be honest, I still do. I have just realized that I can love him in a different level in a different way. The most important thing I have learnt from him is forgiveness. I have learnt to forgive him for hurting me... but most important of all, that I have learnt to forgive myself... for loving someone so blindly..

The year 2009 was enriching... I think the year 2009 wasn't so bad at all despite all the challenges work wise. The year 2009 has brought me abundance in the quality of friendships if anything. A heart full of love and a soul at peace with my mind. I cried a couple of times in times of despair... but most of all cried cos the pain of saying goodbye to two of the most influential guys in my life... M and M's! Same initials.. MW's... but both completely different personalities. One has taught me the lesson to be gentler on myself and the other taught me to learn how to be open and to love again but in a healthier way... both have made me happy and have left great and wonderful memories that I will forever cherish.

But as 2009 leaves... I will have to let them go. Not as if they are leaving me behind.. but I am setting them free to be a part of my very blue skies!

Goodbye 2009! You have been good to me. Welcome 2010! I am looking forward to a year full of love and much more happiness with my family and friends. I am hoping to reunite with my soul mate but I am not holding my breath. I have learnt that I really shouldn't be dwelling on the past, it has already come and gone and have left me memories so sweet and that I have the present to enjoy and cherish and enrich and a future so bright it's worth looking forward to! At the end of the day, I believe that if things are meant to be, life has its way of making things work out.

For now all I can say is "Carpe Diem!"

Bring in 2010!!! A bigger and a brighter decade!!!

Wishing each and everyone of you much love and light.... xxx

...-=If Only=-...

2009-12-27T00:11:00.001+11:00

I sometimes wish my family life isn't as complicated like my friends. I love them to bits and they are my life but sometimes I just cant seem to understand why they make their lives so complicated. I dont think they will ever understand the way I think sometimes. I just want to live life as stress free as I can. I am so different from my family. I think thats why sometimes I can stand not seeing them for weeks and sometimes a couple of months. It's not that I am distancing myself away from their worries, but sometimes they just worry too much. All the petty things.. they cant let it go. I cant live like them. I mean I'm happy when I'm with them but I also cant be with them for too long. Like Michael said yesterday, go somewhere quiet - leave.... But there's no other place where I can go where its quiet around here. I think thats why I will not be able to live with them. They are happy and content with the way things are... running around, television's on pretty much the whole day, people talking all the time, mess everywhere, Mum upset cos of the mess everywhere, Dad's grumpy cos we dont want to hang out with his f*ked up family, the kids running screaming jumping around, NO PLACE TO GO TO SEEK FOR SOLITUDE!!! Not unless I go to sleep and then there's peace and quiet in my dreams. I dont know... life's too complicated... it will never be easy. But I seek for more patience. They are my family after all... a part of me... the only once I ever got.

...-=And So I Reflect=-...

2009-12-14T23:42:00.003+11:00

**Taken from A Course In Miracles**

"Memory belongs to time and the passage of time. The past, upon which the world is built; the nebulous future which is, however, stamped with the past before it eventuates; and somewhere in between, the present, fading into insignificance under the weight of past and future which together overshadow the fleeting ineffectual present moment."

"And what is there is Life, an eternity of Life being Itself. The Self of Life, the Christ Self, in many forms, as many as can be imagined, but always and ever Itself. We step out of time into eternity: into present moment awareness."

We remember NOW.

Michael sent me an email last Saturday which I sort of didnt understand because my reasoning was from the ego and not from my inner being. But I read it again... and again... and again... for about almost 20x, I kid you not! And I only just got it today... then I understood the meaning and his reasoning behind the email. Here's part of what he wrote that upset me so much:

"...dont miss me. may i suggest working on any feelings of loss as they come up by thinking stuff like:

1: i am always connected to (this person, everyone, everything,my source, to god)

2: there is no loss here in this situation involving (whatever), i could look at this a different way

3: whatever i thought i had lost i reclaim it now, that feeling of (whatever) is within me now

4: this feeling of sadness, loss etc i want it to turn around right now into something good and i want it to feel really good ..right now
5: i am willing to see this differently, there is a blessing behind this"

I was so silly... If only I've thought about it before trying to feel it. In a typical person's mind, this is painful... but if you would look at it and try to not just understand it but feel it not with your ego but with your inner Being, there is love within it. I have confirmed this correct because Michael wrote to me again this afternoon... explaining the whole thing... and it did made sense... and I laughed inside thinking.. the ego is never happy, always judgemental, it is not kind. It is always jealous...

I am trying to go ahead and take that little step forward.... Baby steps.. little steps.... On my way to happiness and understanding of life and the logic of love once again.

I am free, but sometimes I do need guidance....

...-=And It Is As It Was=-...

2009-12-10T03:00:00.003+11:00

My posts lately tells you of a departure of someone so dear to me... and it pains me so much. And yes it it that and it is true. I have come into conclusion that yes, I am suffering from separation anxiety. If only he was a bit mean and cruel to me then maybe his departure wouldnt be too hard on me.

It hurts so much it pains me inside and it's driving me insane at the moment. I am depressed at the moment and I am accepting the feeling. It is the given experience and I should learn from it.

As dark as it may sound... I have given myself to it. Pray that I redeem myself completely before it swallows me whole.

Bless my soul.

...-=And That's The Way It Goes=-...

2009-12-08T04:07:00.003+11:00

I cried tonight.... and cried... and cried... and cried... Till there's no more tears left to cry. I wish I could stop but I couldn't. My emotion's has gone mad.

I wish I can stop missing him... and thinking about him...

I wish he'd just come back and not leave ever again.

Like a beautiful thing thats so close to your heart... he's so hard to let go.

But like the saying goes... " If you love someone set them free, and if they return then it's meant to be."

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me this year... and I feel grateful for having him as a part of my life...

...-=The Addendum=-...

2009-12-07T05:16:00.002+11:00

All I can say is... nothing in this world can match the power of love and its beliefs. As crazy as it can get, sometimes all we can really do is believe and have faith.

Wait, does that make sense at all..??? Even I dont know anymore.... But I love him and I believe.

...-=And Such Is The Case=-...

2009-12-01T00:06:00.002+11:00

And so he is gone after the other has left. They are both gone but their smell and their presence can still be felt by me. Is it possible that the heart can beat for two? As I think mine does. It's so hard to explain the feeling of being alone. I can not say if I get lonely but it's hard to get used to the silence. It's like having an awkward conversation with yourself - when all you can do is small talk and answer in one lines and ask silly questions such as: "so... do you do stuff?"

Hmmm... I miss them both. But I know that my heart is lying to one of them. I dont know which one's which... But it doesn't matter. In my heart, deep inside MY heart... I love them both!

...-=It Feels Like It=-...

2009-11-24T04:37:00.002+11:00

Michael's leaving tomorrow, Wednesday and I have been crying since Monday morning when he left to do some errands and other stuff before his trip. It's strange, I picked a fight just before he left - I wanted to hate him so it wouldn't be too hard for me to say goodbye, but I failed and it's just too hard. We have been texting the whole of yesterday reassuring each other that we will be okay. But just the thought that I may never see him again sort of breaks my heart and it hurts so much. It feels like we're breaking up, but it's because we are breaking up. But only this time, I'm breaking up with someone who I have this perfect connection with. We love each other and we have so much if not a lot in common. Yet - we dont love each other that much to want to stay with each other.

I am setting him free... If he comes back then he's the real deal.

Au revoir Monkey.... Til we meet again!

...-=So I Slept=-...

2009-11-23T21:34:00.002+11:00

I was feeling emotionally drained so I slept the whole day.

Sleeping is my way of escaping from this madness called life.

I wish I can sleep for the rest of my life.

...-=Higher Place=-...

2009-11-22T10:16:00.003+11:00

May you enjoy your great adventure in the Higher Place where you seek refuge and solace, Daul Kim. You will be greatly missed!

...-=It Kinda Reminds Me How Much I Love You=-...

2009-11-21T11:39:00.001+11:00

It's so beautiful, it made me cry....

...-=The Buddhist In Me=-...

2009-09-22T20:58:00.001+10:00

I have come into terms that death isn't really the end but the beginning of a new chapter - of a happier stage of a soul.

My best friend's Dad passed away last night and she is distraught... the fact that she hasn't seen him for almost 15 years and have only spoken to him just recently (last month) after not talking to him for more than 10 years. Well, not really her fault but she's a victim of a messy divorce and ended up with her mother (who is a nut case!). I really don't know how to tell her that she should be happy that her Father's now in a happier place where there is no suffering and sadness.... yes, this is the Buddhist in me speaking although I am Catholic who was brought up to believe that there is "heaven" and "hell". I beg to differ though.... I believe that we live in a place where there is deep suffering, injustice, selfishness and a whole lot more pain. I have come to realise that once you have "crossed over" this phase that we call "life", then there will be no more of the suffering, sadness, loneliness and pain that we feel while living this life. We then (I assume) move on to a happier place called "Nirvana" {nirvana, enlightenment (Hinduism and Buddhism) the beatitude that transcends the cycle of reincarnation; characterized by the extinction of desire and suffering and individual consciousness}. It's not easy for some of us to come to terms with death... I mean, if one of my dear parents do "pass over", I'll be deeply saddened. It will be a great loss I know and I will be so very sad... and I will cry... but the thought that they will be in a place where they will no longer feel hurt and pain and will no longer suffer will give me peace of mind. I would want to keep them with me for as long as I can though cos I love them so very much. But.... yes, death really isnt a loss but just another stage where our soul moves to a happier and peaceful place....

I have accepted the fact that death really isnt death but another way of being re-born.

I've said my piece... but I'm praying for my dear best friend for her to have more strength... and for her father that he'll have a happy journey in his new sould adventure.

...-=So, Here I Go Again=-...

2009-09-06T22:40:00.002+10:00

It's been a while... I know! And trust me, every single day I've been itching to write on my blog... thinking, "gosh... this is a must-blog-experience!" But work has been keeping me busy, emotionally unstable, insecure and crazy. It's only been the past week that I have sort of settled down with my emotions again. Having Monkey Moo stay with me for the past few weeks also stopped me from writing my thoughts as it's just difficult I suppose... but he has been good though... He's a really domesticated guy. Has been a really good company and well... I enjoy the "perks" that comes together with living with him.

So... where do I start?!

I miss Mark.

I miss his company too. Whilst Monkey's here with me, I find that I dont get to spend much time with Mark as I tend to do more things with Monkey Moo - which I do enjoy and love. But I miss my banter with Mark. The way he makes me laugh, his side hugs and when he goes all crazy and stuff. I miss how he lectures me and leaves me alone and not question my silence. I haven't seen him for almost a month now, though we talk everyday and for now that is okay.

Work... hmmmm. Work has been the biggest challenge of my life right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but sometimes it can be such a drag! I am currently so unstable with everything. Emotionally, physically. I havent been meditating nor exercising. Tomorrow, I have finally taken a day off work and I promised myself that I will go for a long walk to the beach, read my book and relax and not think or worry of anything. I need to do that... I need to detox my mind and soul.

I just got a Blackberry Storm! :) That's good news! That means I can actually blog wherever I am!!! :)

So... I'll keep you all posted my dears!!!

Sorry... my entry tonight's a bit "bleh!" I'm not feeling my 100% at the moment....

...-=All Hyped Up=-...

2009-03-17T13:16:00.002+11:00

And so it goes....

I am indeed ready to rumble! Roll out the barrell of cheers! :)

I have been feeling a bit "hi-lo" lately and it's because I am doubting some things in my life and the reason why I am happy. I know... it's so retarded. I have snapped out of it now and am once again counting my blessings. I love the way I can easily sway myself to happiness these days!

I am Anna, and I am happy! :)

...-=Happy Battle=-...

2009-03-17T12:27:00.002+11:00

I am dedicating this post to Francis Magalona, a legend of Filipino music who passed away early this month after a long fought but "happy battle" with Leukaemia. I myself have friends who has/had cancer and one of them has already gone to be in a happier place and the other I think is in remission. Both different stories, but both close to my heart. I have always thought that battling this disease is life changing... one tough MOFU! It not only affects the person who's got it but also the people who are close to their hearts. I admire how Francis Magalona (FM) has fought this battle. He reminded me of my best friend Vannia (bless her soul!) who fought her battle with spinal cancer with a smile on her face. She made sure that before she left the people close to her heart that we were all ready for it... that we would be okay. She's made sure that she'll leave us with a smile in our hearts. I think FM did the same. Like FM, Vannia was bitter and angry in the beginning.. but who wouldn't be? But as soon as she realised that she was on borrowed time, she has decided to just spread and share the love, laughter and her sweet sweet smile. I miss her so much!!! I admire them both... I admire how they fought till the end... with a smile. I wish I can put Vannia's photos here... but I respect her husband Gary's wishes of not sharing it with other people as it is an intimate but sweet last photo of her only to be shared with loved ones. But that last photo was of her smiling and you can see the glimmer in her eyes. :) I really do miss her a lot... She has told me not to be sad and not to cry when I get that phone call from Gary. I failed. Of course I cried. I've just lost someone so beautiful! And I was reminded that she really hasn't left me as she will always be in my heart. She has changed me in a good way and she has helped me grow as who I am now. She has given me back the confidence I have once lost and has helped me realise that I am worth everything in the world. She made me feel loved and understood and made me live life and love to the fullest always telling me that "I have nothing but maybe tears to lose. But it's always good to have a cry sometimes as it cleanses the soul." It was a happy battle... and just reading FM's blog and medical journal... it makes me smile that he has left something behind that many people can learn from.

I sometimes wish that Vannia's left a journal for me to get back to as well.. but it doesn't matter. She's left something more precious, and that is the warm smile and hug in my heart that I will cherish forever... till we meet again.

I love you baby cakes!

...-=Let Lose=-...

2009-03-02T09:10:00.004+11:00

Mind over matter.. Mind over everything... This is the reason why our head is at the top of our body and not everything else. I have learnt how to control my emotions, which is predominantly the cause of my problems the past... ages ago - years! (*looks at her freshly painted cute pink fingernails* - they look cute! Hee hee... Sorry, I got distracted! :p) I miss Chewie though, I havent seen him for 2 weeks now. That is a long time. I rarely speak to him as well.. I miss our good, crazy banters! I spoke to him last night and he was good. He seems to be doing well and I'm happy that he is. I just miss his crazy cool company though.. despite the madness! hehe.. BUT mind over matter. I will not go back to the blackhole of mixed emotions ever again. Will not go back to the place where I used to question myself, my decisions and my feelings. I am in a happier place now where I can be myself, enjoy myself and be just me. No restrictions, no boundaries and no pretentions.

Anna, that is me - is back! :) Happy, healthy & good spirited!

...-=That Wonderful Feeling=-...

2009-02-25T01:40:00.002+11:00

Have you ever felt that feeling of high energy happiness? Where you feel as if nothing can hurt you or nothing can touch you and you're not even thinking that anything or anyone would want to hurt you? You know that feeling when you're just happy, you dont have any negative thoughts on your mind? It is a wonderful feeling.... :)

I have found this amazing feeling within me.. this feeling where despite some people tries to push me down, I just "shake it off" and let go of the negativity without it not even having any effect in me. It's a beautiful feeling... True happiness, happiness at its highest level, highest energy! It is bliss!

I have found happiness with the help of the people around me. Yes, I did some soul searching but I didnt had to look so far away.. it was just right there infront of me. Acceptance of oneself is a start. I've accepted that I am Anna and will always be Anna. That I will not change. I can adapt and maybe learn more values and skills but the Anna in me will always be there. I have accepted that I dont need to rely on others in order for me to be happy. I am and will always be dependent on myself alone with my emotions... will be responsible for how I feel and will not blame others for it. Though I have to admit, we meet people in our lives who shares their happiness with us. Did you get that??? There is a difference between: "they make me happy" and "sharing their happiness." It's because, those people will not be able to make others happy if they're not happy about themselves. Hence, I conclude that its not making others happy but sharing the positive vibes and happiness within them to others. That is sharing the L0VE for you. We should always be responsible for not just our actions but with how we feel at the same time. In order for us to be responsible, we have to be aware. Those flare-up's we get when we're angry, it's most times when we don't think and just act without being aware. How do you feel when you're angry? How do you feel after yelling or screaming at someone? For sure, you dont feel comfortable or good about it, or do you? What do you get out of it anyway? Aside from feeling of hurt and hatred... Hmmm... mostly heart diseases. It's true! Go check it out for your self.

I am happy now.. Actually, I'd say happier! Though I sometimes wonder how this will all end.. but Ive learnt that questions leads to uncertainty. Hence, I have stopped asking questions. There's this someone who shares his happiness with me in a big way. When we talk, I feel like he's feeding my soul! He's the most intellectually attractive guy I have ever met in my whole entire life! :) Though there's something brewing there... and I have prepared myself for it already. I'm no longer new to this thing called: Relationship. Sometimes someone would say something to me about their relationships and I'd listen and try and give them my 5c's worth and if I get that "WTF are you talking about look" I just shrug it off and say look within you... I have crashed and burnt so many times but I like the feeling of being happy and in love so I go with it.. knowing that "these are the repercusions of my actions - hence, no surprises!

So right now, I am just enjoying the happy and loving feeling. It's one amazing and most wonderful feeling of them all!!! All is well in the Anna World and things can only get better... with more love, light and happiness. Put together with a heart open to everything.. welcoming and accepting Life's little challenges...

Carpe Diem! :)

...-=BL!SS=-...

2009-02-20T00:46:00.003+11:00

I'm happy! Very happy! No apparent reason.. well actually, I am celebrating ME - hence I am happy! :) It's been a while since I've last felt like this. I just feel so light, like I'm floating, flying and just so peaceful deep inside me. All this happened when I started to accept what life is giving me. All things happens for a reason.

All the while I am trying to figure out why I was sad and lonely. On the way back to Bondi Beach last night during my cliff walk with Yellow, we were talking about "Rebirthing" and "Presence". And on my way home, I realised that all the while I was suffering all those insecurities and pain of loneliness and sadness before, it is all self-inflicted. I say this because we have a choice! We have a choice of either to walk away from it, change it or deal with it. No one wants to feel pain, though when we become negative towards others or ourselves (that includes feeling less self worth and self-pitty) we are infact doing it to ourselves and others. That feeling of self pitty... "I feel sorry for myself" and other "poor me" stories... it's you acting out as the victim. And why would you want to be the victim? What good would it do to you aside from earning other people's sympathy? Hmm... that's the question that needs to be answered. When you are aware of your surroundings, aware of the NOW, you see and appreciate how beautiful life can be.

I am happy and have decided that yes, I will no longer ask questions if not necessary... as questions only leads to uncertainty.

I am now enjoying this feeling of bliss, peace and love within me...

...-=Anna's Book For Dummies=-...

2009-02-13T13:45:00.003+11:00

I have always wanted to write a book. I will one day have my journal published and call it: "The Emancipation of The Hot Banana". But since my story is a never ending one, maybe I will start with a book called: "The Game Player: Guide for Women Who Knows & Likes Men With Issues". It's going to be like a Dummies Guide for: Men With Issues or Hang Up's! Hehe... Will make sure all of them will have their incognito names... hehehe... Just the thought of it now makes me giggle inside! It will be a best-seller! :) :) :)

Happy Friday!!! xxx

...-=My Favourite Post=-...

2009-02-12T17:03:00.001+11:00

And I am posting it here again as I want to share it with you all.. :)

A reminder that life's beautiful..

...-=The Thinker=-...
I have been reading this book called "Practicing the Power of Now" again. The last time I read that book was last year and didnt manage to finish it cos 'I was busy'. I know, it's such a slack, non-sense excuse. If I have time to go out and surf the net, then that means I have time to read it. I read the "Power of Now" when I was in Europe and it made wonders... made a change, a big difference with me. It changed me in a good way. Though not many people understoon what happened... some of them got confused and eventually became angry... but after talking to them, making them realise what just happened to me... I just said "it's either you deal with it OR you leave it."

I came back from Europe with a less complicated life. Sure I had my little issues that In guess all people have. I used to find them really petty and would just shrug it off after a few minutes of thinking about it, realising that - it is an absolute waste of time and energy! My biggest problem them was work - and I made sure that I fixed the problem by looking for a better one. Hmmm... I used to be good with dealing with my problems... I guess since then, things have changed.

"Do I have a problem?" - That is the question.

If I would want to simplify my life, I can. I will just drop my friends and live in a cave by myself. Will not bring my laptop nor my mobile phone. Will make sure to bring lots of books with me and maybe before I go move to my cave, I will invest on getting a dog. That would be enough company.

But you see, I believe that no man is an island. We can not live by ourselves. Will not be happy just by being by ourselves. We need a companion... otherwise it will be a life with no love. Besides, we learn more about ourselves when we interact with others... learn more about life that way. Living in a cave is a coward option of solving your problems... it's not even a way of solving your problems - but more so. running away from it.

I miss my old self though. When I was really patient, loving and forgiving. I have changed... and I know that for a fact. I have come to realise that I do love my friends and will give them my time, will put so much effort into the friendship and will every now and then forgive them for being silly, of course with a little slap in the wrist so they wont forget what they have done. BUT I have also realised that I can only take so much. I can only forgive and forget to an extent. If I realise that they're not really putting that much effort into the friendship, I lose interest, because I love my friends and respect them and see them as an important person in my life and I expect the same from them. It has happened already... I have no more love, interest not even slight care for a couple of them. After putting too much effort and care only to have been dissed, lied to and let down... can you blame me?

I have some people in my life who I just cant drop though. Maybe it's because I have too much love for them and no matter how they do me wrong, I over-see it; MW for instance. Hmmm... I can never understand and will never understand why. I just love him.

I have learnt this from Eckahrt Tolle's "Power of Now", that if you really like/love someone and you think that it is worth it, then you DEAL with it. But if you think it's just too much and not worth your time, then you LEAVE IT. I remember saying this this to Iris before when I was in Poland and were talking about her problems with Poitr. And she said it does make sense, although quite hard to practise in our daily lives. But my point is, why would you waste your time with some people who really doesnt give a shit about you?!!! Hmmm.... again, some special people are exempted to this rule.

I am currently trying to observe the "Thinker" in me. It is what's giving me the problems, the stress and worries that I dont need. I just need to be able to step back and look and observe at the "Thinker" without critisizing and being judgemental towards it cos if you do start doing that, it is once again the "Thinker" who is in control and NOT the being. It is going to be one hell of a job... BUT will be all worth it in the end. I just miss the calm and Zen me.

In the mean time, I will try and use this blog wisely by not writing any more negative and angry entries/post. Instead, will try to document my progress in acquiring the old "happy" me. Wish me luck as I will be needing it.

This is going to be the start of a new adventure which will be self-enriching spiritually, mentally and emotionally. About time I do something good for myself.

Carpe Diem!

...-=To Ponder=-...

2009-02-12T16:30:00.001+11:00

I wrote this late last year... and I'm posting it here again just to remind myself:

"I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again."

...-=Negativity Sucks Out The Life In Me=-...

2009-02-12T12:48:00.003+11:00

I am a very positive person if not too much.. and can't stand people who can't appreciate their blessings and just continue on thriving on negativity. At the end of the day, I have learnt that if you are in a situation which you are not happy with, then either deal with it or walk away from it. Being an optimist, I always see the brighter side of things. So in most cases, I deal with it. If for a number of times that I have failed in dealing with it (and I'm not just saying 2-5x of dealing with it!) then that's when I walk away. What I can't stand is people who is actually fortunate with things but continue on whingeing about their lives! OMG! Like seriously, fukin get over it! I have a lot of patience... but not with people who are so negative. And I dont mean the people who have problems every now and then and have tried to deal with it... but people who cant see the point that they dont have a problem but thinks that they have to worry about it! They drain the hell out of me! I then give them my 5c's worth and get this look of: "you dont understand?!" Seriously... I dont! Cos there are more unfortunate people out there who has bigger problems who instead of whingeing is doing something about it! At the end of the day, negativity doesnt help you deal with your problem but in fact is a bad mantra that you feed your body and soul. Okay now, tell me.. Have you got a fukin problem? Cos if you think you do, I honestly dont give a damn at the moment - go talk to the hand!

...-=Love And Life's Other Catastrophe's According to Anna=-...

2009-02-11T23:41:00.002+11:00

I seldom question my happiness, cos I know my feelings doesn't lie to me. I mean, I can hide my emotiones towards others but never with myself. The past couple of weeks, I have been happy, no - happier! I have forgotten about my worries. I have forgotten to worry about the past, the hurts, and the future. I was happier. I've met a few people... a few men. They were all nice. Some of them I know clearly their intentions and sorry, it will not happen. I like one of them in particular though, I sometimes feel as if he can read my mind and it freaks me out! I dont have to say how I feel, he'd tell me instead. I suppose my body language gives it away though. He is sweet, charming, funny and really sexy. And he knows - I told him. Anyway, although I enjoy his company so much, nothing will come out of it.. he is going away soon.. so yes, timing! It's always great! But then again, I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet anyway... I am still enjoying my single life.. which is not so single anyway. Moving on, next guy is the Leeds guy. He is keen and is really sweet.. but again, I just dont have the time. I cant give him the time as I'm really busy. I think that's why I like the guy who's going away cos he doesn't pressure me with anything. The 3rd guy, he so just wants to sleep with me! And I think he's made sure that I know of it. He sometimes text stalks me to see him... ohh.. this crazy thing I do... sometimes "pash and dashes" arent good at all... they come back for more! Haha! Oh dear!

But yeah, I'm not here to write about boys.. I am writing because I am questioning myself tonight. I feel melancholic and sort of want to go back to where I used to be before. Where uncertainties used to live within me and I know it sucks! I think I'm not quite used to be being happy!" Then I'd remember the story of Mr Worry... not sure who told me that story... I think it was one of the new guys that I met a couple of weeks ago. Damn Mr Worry! I should just be happy that I'm happy! But you see... here's where the problem comes along.

BOYS!

I have been spending a lot of time with the first guy.. let's call him "Yellow" (cos that's my favourite colour) and I swear, he sweeps me off my feet. We're not dating, we're just hanging -out. He is leaving in a couple of months anyway. But he's the sweetest thing ever. And I just cant get enough of him. And lately, I cant stop thinking about him, I just want to kiss him and do things with him... And I cant sleep. And I know I shouldn't bother much... for f--k's sake! But NO! Anna has already decided that she can do this. And is stronger. Well, I guess after what happened between me and Mark.. I guess I can take everything already! Geez... no matter how messy that relationship was.. I have no regrets at all. He has made me into a stronger person. Made me who I am today. He will always be the love of my life.. but he just needs to get over himself cos he thinks that I will never move on and get over him. As I've told him before, I cannot wait for him forever.

Anyway, I've learnt something good from Yellow this week though.. and that is to stop asking questions cos questions leads to uncertainty. Which is probably why I am here... feeling silly and a bit stupid cos I am once again asking myself.. "Do I have a problem? Cos it's been a while... and I haven't been worry-free for a while now..." Damn stupid girl!

So there.... I have just confirmed something to myself tonight.. that I am my own problem!

Anna... learn how to stop asking questions like a 5 yr/o does!

...-=Hide and Seek=-...

2009-02-02T01:31:00.002+11:00

Funny how when I've decided that I'm actually happier being single.. that's when they all show up?! And the time when I was looking.. they all seem to be hiding somewhere where I cant even sniff them! What's this thing about men around Sydney?? But it's good in some ways though... I ame enjoying the attention. :)

There is no men drought in Sydney ladies... just be happy with yourself and they somehow see the happiness inside you and they see it as a sign! I think that's the secret to it....

Geez... if only I knew of this way before....

:)

...-=Breakout=-...

2009-01-29T11:14:00.003+11:00

"Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout"

-Swing Out Sisters - *Breakout*

I have a date on Monday! First time again in ages!!! I am excited and nervous at the same time.. but all my friends are saying that it's good and okay to be nervous. His name is Neil and he is English... from Leeds. He's got a really sexy Yorkshire accent and he makes me laugh! I just wish he lives close by as I think Hornsby is quite far and a bit of a treck. He was going to take me to an English place where I can have a Yorkshire pudding but he couldn't find one, he proposed on making me one instead.. but we opted to go out for dinner instead. How do I explain to him that I'm not really a big fan of Chinese? We can have Japanese or Thai, I dont mind them as it's not too oily and greasy. How do I also explain to him that I don't eat carbs after six!!!!??? Geez!!! Problems... problems... But... aside from that, all is well. He seems to be nice.. but then again, aren't they all nice in the beginning??? Hmmm.... We'll see what will happen... but he seems to be okay - for now anyway! :)

Wish me luck!!! :)

...-=Nepal=-...

2009-01-28T16:51:00.001+11:00

So that is the plan. To trek the Himalayas in Nepal this year! A challenge I will need to save up for and get ready physically and emotionally for!

Yes, we can!

Woot! :)

...-=CRAZY=-...

2009-01-19T16:57:00.002+11:00

I can be a bitch whenever I want to be...

Isn't that nice?! :p

I love all my friends and am happy that no matter how much I get stroppy and grumpy and all crazy... they are still there for me.

Sorry for my outburst yesterday. I was having "one of those days"....

I love you!!! All of you!!! Meeeoooowwww!!! xxx

...-=Dont Panic!=-...

2009-01-13T15:25:00.003+11:00

I never said I was in-love....

To all my friends who are now shaking their heads, worrying about what is to become of me... Nothing has changed. I am not in-love, but just happy with the way things are right now. No need to worry, I have no intentions of banging my head on a wall just as yet. Not just yet! :p

...-=And I Try=-....

2009-01-13T00:54:00.002+11:00

I pulled away... and you came closer...
And I tried to stay away...
But you know I wanted more...
You know what gets me going...
I know what's in store for me...
All the pain will come back rushing...
But it doesn't matter anymore...

So I tried to pull away...
But it aint working anymore.....

...-=Pleasure is Mine=-...

2009-01-12T01:53:00.000+11:00

I just love looking after you... :)

...-=Happy!!!=-...

2009-01-09T15:57:00.003+11:00

There are about 180 people in our company... Nine different departments.

And our CEO knows me! :)

I guess being nominated for the Staff Excellence Awards last month did help! ;)

...-=It's Beautiful.... BUT!=-...

2009-01-09T13:03:00.002+11:00

A guy who we'll call Geek H has given me a link before of this couple who met on the internet image sharing site Flickr. They're both very talented and artistic photographers who are continents apart, one being in England and the other in America. It's a beautiful story... finding someone special and falling in-love with that person. BUT... it's long distance. I sort of don't agree with that. I mean, no matter what other people say, long distance relationships aren't really very ideal. Been there, done that. It would be a different story if the couple met each other in the same place/area/state and the other one leaves after being together for a couple or a few months. There is already a bond that was made, it would be easier to hang on to it. But if you haven't even met the person and fell in love with them... then it's beautiful. BUT, what foundation will they have to hang on to, stand upon when things are a bit shaky. Like when you feel like cuddling someone, holding someone, touching someone, kissing someone... how do you fix that when you havent even done that with the person who you're in-love with? You have no basis... you are holding on to someone who isn't really there. Oh yes, he is on the internet... but what about those cold nights... or even a day at the beach? You see couples lying right next to each other.. they have someone to ask for to rub sun screen on their backs... Have someone to actually laugh with whilst being "outside" the house. The idea of having someone is to have them with you - not just on your mind or the internet or somewhere in cyberspace, but actually physically with you. You dont have to see each other everyday. But the reason as to why they have to be together is so they can grow together as a couple... I and You becomes "WE or US".

Mind boggling... Tough huh?! I know... Like I've said, been there and done that! Beautiful, sometimes too nice, you woud think that it's ideal... but just think... how do you know that the person is real? How do you know that the feelings are real? When you have nothing to refer back to.....

Beautiful.... I know..... but not ideal.

...-=Eureka!=-...

2009-01-07T16:46:00.003+11:00

So... I have finally realised that I am only bored hence the "chasing the chooks" episode! I went to the ranch yesterday as I was going a bit mental and thought... tidying up will fix it and what a better place to do that - the ranch! It needs me... I already have my domain in there - the kitchen! It is Anna's Kitchen! I don't mind being around Chewie... though he can be so annoying sometimes. I realised last night that he's actually really not too bad. But I'm just really bored so will have to find another diversion. I can't be chasing chooks everytime, it drives me mental when I don't catch them!

I have been so busy at work today it's been crazy! But I love it! I love the challenge of it all. Deadlines, tasks, etc... I wonder what tomorrow will be like?

Also.... IRIT'S BACK!!! Yay! Gertrude's not the same without her... We both love Gertrude! Just imagine having coffee or lunch with your favourite books and authors surrounding you.... :) So, this weekend, we'll be at Gertrude and Alice! Yay!!! Welcome back Irit! :)

...-=She Is Here=-...

2009-01-06T16:50:00.002+11:00

I have been dreaming about Vannia lately. They are all very vivid dreams. And just thinking about it now gives me goosebumps. Last night she was in my dreams again... we were crossing a small bridge... and she was holding my hands. She was telling me something and I just kept on laughing. When we finished crossing the bridge she told me that "it wasn't too hard at all." She gave me a hug and walked away and looked back telling me that she's just around. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was listen to our favourite song and thought about her... and talked to her. I miss her so vey much and I wish she was still here with me. She gets me, she understands me and I don't have to explain myself to her cos she will just know it and get it.

That look in her face. That smile. That laugh.

She is still here... in my heart with my soul... I love her and I miss her. I am dying inside just thinking that I can no longer touch her or talk to her or be with her.

Vannia.... I miss you like you've only just left yesterday and I still hurt like you've only been gone today.... I will never forget you.... xxx

...-=Both Sides=-...

2009-01-06T13:05:00.004+11:00

I have started meditating at night before I go to bed this week. It's not easy, really. My mind speaks to me - of good, bad and sometimes ugly thoughts. Last night, I was thinking of how people can lie in your face. How some people can be so false. How some people can be just users. It was hard to shake it off. It somehow helps that I listen to a meditation song.. I'm still looking for one which has got some sanskrit being sung.. but the one I'm currently listening too isn't too bad. It is of Tibetan healing bowls and chimes and even after meditating I listen to it till I fall asleep. I now light candles too, I find that it calms my soul down. I am ready to live a life of Zen again. I just need to go back to exercising. Even just going for a walk at least when I'm feeling a bit tired. I have also decided to stay in-love with myself for once... be single and try to stay single. I'm looking forward to peaceful life this year... where I wont be crying... where I wont be getting upset... and where I would just be happy and content. It wont be easy but it would be a really good thing if by the end of this year, 2009... I would be smiling - all happy for a reason knowing that 2010 will even be a better year.

~*~Both Sides~*~

Rows and flows of angel's hair

And icecream castles in the air

And feathered canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and they snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, but still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all.

Moon and Junes and Ferris wheels

That dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show

You leave them laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, but still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose, but still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all.

...-=What Else Is There=-...

2009-01-05T12:32:00.003+11:00

I remember posting something here with this title... I just can't remember what it was about, but I know posting the lyrics of the song too. I am now posting the same title again cos it's just how I feel at the moment. I am a big fat question mark!

"In other words, apart from the known and the unknown. What else is there?"
- Harold Printer

...-= The Year of Endless Possibilities =-...

2009-01-02T01:17:00.003+11:00

2009... The year of endless possibilities! :) I have a really good feeling about this year. Meeting half-way, passion, happiness and openness. All these is how I started the year. The 1st of January 2009. I got home at 7am roughly and didn't go to bed till around 9am. Woke up at 11am as it was so hot, took a shower and went back to bed - to join MW. MW then left around 2pm and I was so tired (and hung-over). Tried to make a few phone calls but was so exhausted I passed out on the couch... dozing on and off. Finally woke up around 7pm... and saw Polly, my friendly cockatoo with a friend perched on my balcony and that made me smile. She even turned and looked at me... somehow maybe trying to tell me that, this year will be a really good year. :) Polly gave me a sign. I've thought of going to the beach to somehow try to recover and get some fresh air but it was just too hot and too packed. I decided to stay in and just contemplate with what happened the night of the party. I somehow met MW half-way that night - literally as he was at the Rocks and I was at Darling Harbour. We met at Martin Place and on the way back to Shane's apartment, we had a good talk. And no... we didn't get back together. We just talked about life and happiness - happy cells. He's never been so open about how he feels and that night, he was just telling me how much he appreciates me... and that was good to hear.

Anyway, going back to Polly.... Seeing Polly with his friend is like a good omen to me.... He somehow gave me this hope that 2009 will be a better year. And you know what... I really have that strong feeling about it too...

Polly my friendly cockatoo

Polly with his friend perched on my balcony

Here's to 2009 and the beginning of many endless possibilities!!!

Happy New Year!!!

...-=It Has Begun=-...

2008-12-27T11:41:00.002+11:00

My brain is rejecting all sorts of feelings for any man that I know. On my way home yesterday from my Mum's house my brain - my thought was blank. It wasn't thinking of anything at all or anyone in particular. It was just admiring the view of Olympic Park... how I've never been there and how big the place was. Thinking, how it would be so busy if Australia was to host the Football World Cup... :)

Then I realised, "Wow! For the first time, I'm not thinking about men!" And have decided to count how long this would last... Up to now, there isnt any thought of it at all. I dont miss anyone and dont really like anyone in particular. I think my brain - my thought and my heart has already reconciled for once... I am now ready to start my journey as a single girl... This would be so much fun! :)

2009 is a very promising year.. As 2009 will be devoted to myself cos I am No. 1. :) I have always thought of others first before thinking about myself. But this time I would be focusing on what I really want to do, and where I really want to be. I have to be so patient with myself cos I can be so much of a "mentalist" sometimes. :) It will be a great challenge trying to know myself again. But it will all be worth it in the end. I will be so happy to know me once again.

I'm waiting for the day when I can say: "Congratulations to meet you, Anna! " :)

...-=In 2009=-...

2008-12-26T02:56:00.002+11:00

I was talking to a special person today on YM and whilst talking to him, I have realised what I really wanted to do with myself and with my life. Rediscover myself once again just like the way I did when I went to Europe. Next year, 2009 will be my spiritual year. The year when I'll try to find myself in the lost pile of anger, frustration and sadness. I dont have much of those, but it seems that it occupies my mind - too toxic for the self.

Next year I will be focusing more on meditating and will not rely on companion with this. I will try and do this by myself the way I've done it before. I will also try and get rid of the ego once more... My life was way more peaceful and happy without it. I was more focused, more awake, more alert. I will not look for love cos love is within me... love is me.

Next year I will not look back on past mistakes and blame myself for the hurt it has caused me. 2009 is all about letting go and moving on. It is about forgiving and forgetting but making sure that I keep all the lessons I have learnt.

2009 is all about rediscovering myself and living in bliss... Finding my way home...

It is indeed a very promising year... :)

Carpe Diem!

...-=Digg This=-...

2008-12-21T22:55:00.003+11:00

So... I learnt something last night... that if you cant give it to me, I can get it elsewhere if I really want it. And this applies to all rules in life. I guess it's similar to the saying: "Where there's a will, there's a way." Hmmm... I love it!

I've had the best Friday and Saturday night! Friday night, Anita and Pen dragged me out of my hang-over state (work Xmas lunch party) and went to a few Xmas parties from Bondi to the city and back to the Cross at Hugo's. I had so much fun (and drinks) and OMG... I dont know what was going on... but it was raining of Swedish men at Hugo's! There was a big group of them who arrived on Thursday (apparently) and they just saw us sitting quietly (being a girls night out - no men are allowed), they invited themselves to our table and just started talking. Okay, I have this thing about Swedish men - their accent drives me totally insane! So anyway, since it was our girls night, we had to shoo them away... though one of them was persistent and I got his number and invited him to Tatlers for Saturday's Naughty Santa - told him he cant take his friends though as it's already packed. Johan - ja! :p

Saturday, hmmm! I was hot! Haha! I took the theme too seriously and played naughty the whole night. Chewie sent me an email this morning saying I was as sly as a fox last night... hmm.. I wonder what he meant by that?! But anyway, I met another Swedish guy last night and his name is once again - Johan - ja! :p Dont know what's with me and Swedish guys lately... hehehe.... It's always nice to know that I've still got it. :) NICE! hehehe....

Today is recovery day. Well, I got home at 6am! The sun was out when I got home and I went home without my flatmate. I was thinking she'd be home but nope, I was the first one home and I was giggling thinking that we kept our promise to ourselves last night that we'll be hot and naughty! Oh dear... the things we get up to! I fell asleep around 6:30am, then woke up around 9am... contemplated of going to Imanju for coffee but when I tried to get up, my face fell back into my pillow - I guess I was hung-over. So I just posted photos on FB instead and talked to some people on Skype (hi Jenna!) I heard the front door open around 11am and it was my flatmate.. she is so funny! Dressed up as Mrs Santa but all too messed up. She said she was hanging out with my friends Adam and Adam at Darling Point. She can barely remember what we got up to last night but we try to fill in the blanks. Told her about my mischiefs and she was just laughing at me. Around 12pm, we decided to go back to bed. I then woke up at around 3:30pm.. Feeling like a koala and starving like I havent eaten for such a long time! So I invited a friend over and asked him to bring a DVD with him and we just chilled out on the couch eating chocolates and drinking soda. I'll try not to drink alcohol till NYE... will try!

I had a great weekend! Carpe diem! :)

...-=The Rollercoaster Ride of Love=-....

2008-12-18T11:48:00.002+11:00

I spoke to Addie last night after spending some time at the ranch trying to keep myself busy. I got home around 12 midnight and Addie was online Skype (where the hell is everyone from Europe these days???). He was laughing at me, telling me that I always get sucked up to this crazy thing called love - I love the feeling of being in-love! I was going to argue at first but decided not to, but instead just agreed... because it is so true! I am dependent on the feeling of being in-love! I thrive on it... I live on it! I know it sounds pathetic... but I love the feeling of being in-love.

I guess my friends main concern is the fact that I always fall for the wrong guy. Even Piley who's their friend apparently is the not the right man cos he's a bastard and a womanising one at that too! There is nothing wrong with feeling in-love... if it makes you happy. I mean yes, some people get so dillusional about it and that's how it all goes wrong. But I think with my case, I just get sucked up to it. Literally! Like OMG.... I'm so liking this person right now. Like a car who's lost it's breaks and with it's gears not working.... I run into a tree or a pole or a wall. Reality hits afterwards. And then love isnt so perfect. And Anna is a perfectionist (hence she is now in Events Management). The up's and down's of love... it can be so messy... but I don't mind. I fall in-love so easy... and again I don't mind. I think what's important is that I'm happy and making other people happy and not hurting other people. I am just a loving person. I am full of love.... Let me rephrase that - I, Anna, is Love.

...-=And So It Goes=-....

2008-12-17T13:49:00.004+11:00

And despite the happy front, this is how I'm really feeling inside....

It sucks... it really does. And unlike some functions on MS Word or Excel, you can't undo any mistakes.

Regrets... Hmmm, maybe for the first time in my life I will do. But I'm not sure yet. December is not the time to be harbouring hard feelings and being bitter about life and love.

But it does sucks - BIG TIME!!! I need a cuddle.....

...-=Whirlpool=-...

2008-12-17T13:13:00.002+11:00

But this is how Anna's brain runs.... a front loader washing machine.

It's got different functions too. Pre-soak, soak, wash, rinse, spin-dry, tumble-dry. Gentle wash, regular wash and heavy duty. Cold wash and Warm wash.

Also my brain tends to start something then end up not finishing it cos it finds something else to do... This mostly happens when I try to meditate. It would think, silence your thoughts... it will be silent for a while - about 10 seconds. Then it will start thinking, think of happy thoughts.. which it would gladly do... then will think of other things like,"oh yeah, I was in Europe then... I was so happy... I wonder what Violet's doing... oh and Paco's club! yeah...." So then the meditation is gone...

But I have a very active mind... it drives me a tad bit crazy at times. Like now, I'm thinking.. I want some sweets! But my other side of the brain is thinking, "but you've almost finished the box of chocolates in the kitchen already!" Then it would start to argue with me. I know, you guys must think.. "yeah, she's going to the looney bin soon.." but I dont think I'm that bad... at all.... A bit out there... Like they say, "Anna is not your typical kind of girl"... I am not. :)

...-=And It Comes Around=-...

2008-12-17T13:04:00.002+11:00

I read this somewhere and I noticed myself grinning, nodding, thinking to myself: "hell yeah!"... This is what I read: "If you don't like my fire, don't come around."

I agreed to it... I need to be with someone who wont get burnt when they come close to me but instead would feel my warmth. :)

I am now washing my hands in a basin with lavander buds floating... loving the sweet smell of it! :)

Om shanti... shanti... shanti....

...-=Banged=-...

2008-12-17T12:18:00.002+11:00

So I was told that I am the kind of person (or woman) who likes to stir the pot... and wait for a reaction. It is a bad thing you know... I try to get a reaction from people and subconsequently suffer from it. I want to punch myself in the face right now... but I cant cos I dont want to get a bruise. But, I have once again punished myself for being an idiot.

*silence* *Anna's in deep thought*

Okay, I shouldn't have told myself that I am an idiot, cos I'm not. I do love and respect myself you know... But yes, sometimes I can be so silly. I need to control my temper and my emotions. I am over-flowing with emotions right now and need to get it out of my system in a good way. *sings - "Ive got so much love to give...."*

So... moving forward, let this be a lesson that you wont forget. Dont be too hard on other people... and stop crushing other people's balls - men in particular! Specially when you dont mean it....

I'm sorry.... I really am.... And if I can take it all back, I would. I really like you and it's hard not to have you around.... we had (so much) endless possibilities and I'm scared I have thrown in out the window... And I feel so sad. Really sad.... I'm so sorry.....

...-=Messed Up=-...

2008-12-16T15:31:00.002+11:00

So... I think I stuffed up something which was actually good. But like others say, if it's meant to be, then it will come back. I may have pushed someone nice away... but if he comes back, then maybe I'll try to keep him for good. I really like him, and I have quite been open and honest to him about it. It's not easy you know... I've been through so much shit in my life before. Trusting someone can be quite difficult. Not having him around doesn't give me that security. Not knowing how he really feels because I cant see it doesn't help either. I mean, you can just talk and say things... but how would you know if it's real? How would you know if it's not just words said out loud just so that he can keep me hanging out there... keeping me keen? All these questions in my mind... it's messing up with the way how I feel towards this person. All these confusion is driving me up the wall! I hate this feeling... but in some ways I'm not too fussed - well, I am but trying not too be too fussed. My advantage is he's not around. "Out of sight, out of mind."

How did all these happen? Well, if you like someone and they're far away from you... you would want to know how they are. You would want to know what they're doing? Not in a stalkerish way... but you would somehow be interested and would want to know wouldn't you. You would think about them, and let them know because you know deep inside that they'd be happy to hear about it. I know these because I do this... but lately I find that I'm the one who's doing most of the work. How is this fair?

I have given so much before and I don't think I'm ready to be giving all of myself away again... Not until I know... I feel that it will be reciprocated... that I feel that at least I will get back some of it... I am not scared to take the risk - I always have taken the risk. But this time I'm just more cautious... never wanting to go back into the black-hole of emotions. Never again.

...-=Spinning Around=-...

2008-12-15T11:07:00.002+11:00

I refuse to admit to myself that I am confused with my so-called-c0mplicated- life - only cos my life shouldn't be complicated. I just want to learn how to cope being single and not yearn and long for affection when I'm by myself. I mean, I know for a fact that I am happy being single. I actually enjoy being single for once. But every now and then I miss the affection... the hugs, cuddles and lil kisses (I don't miss sex - I don't know why!). This is when things gets complicated (I can hear Piley laughing already - hold your horses lad!). I am friends with most of my ex bf's, (all except for one, who's name I will not note here on my blog because he is nobody for me. I don't hate him, I dont dislike him. I actually have no feelings for him...) and every time I want to get some affection, I call them and they get all excited and gives me attention and the cuddles. I love flirting... and I have to admit that I am a very affectionate person. I just love snuggling up and holding and touching the person close to my heart. But I dont have that at the moment, and that's what I miss, hence I get into trouble. *nods* I know... I am a sucker for cuddles... not much for kisses - I like them too... but I really must like the guy for me to kiss them... or if I'm really really drunk then yeah, I go for it too. I don't know... I have two favourite ex's.. MW and MB (Piley, you're my fave back in EU - I'm going by continents here! :p). Well, I wouldn't say MB is my favourite - but he gives me the most affection. I think he enjoys my company cos I drive him totally insane. I tease him till he gets really grumpy then takes it out on me by tickling me then I start to tickle him back and we'll end up as a human ball! No kissing though... just hugs, tickles and cuddles. MW I would say is my most favourite as he makes me laugh. He challenges my brain by giving me tasks to do. He is never boring. MB is a bit dull compared to him. MW makes me use my brain more... makes me do research work for his projects and gosh do I learn a lot from it. From proposals, procurement matrix's and law materials and research... I don't mind helping him out as I learn a lot from him too. Here's the problem, which really if I'll think about it, is not a problem at all.... I know he still likes me and I have no problem with that (or do I?) and I like him and will always care for him cos what we've had before was more than just a relationship. It was more than a really good friendship, but we both know that we will never make each other happy completely. Which is a bit sad... though we still enjoy each other's company and doing stuff together. BUT we are not affectionate towards each other anymore. I just like the fact that he stimulates my brain... he gives me lil kisses on my face - cheeks, forehead, nose but never on the lips. He gives me side-hugs... you know, the type of hug where people grab you from the side and hugs you. He is so scared to show affection, cos he is scared that we'd get back into the black hole that we were once before. And it was disastrous, and we know that. We are not toxic towards each other, but at the same time we just cant be together. BUT I have to stop this affection grabbing and mind stimulating from ex boyfriend craziness now as it's not fair on them and I'm not really letting them or myself move on. PLUS I like this guy. I guess it sort of doesnt really help cos he's not here with me. I need the physical connection... I mean words are nice, but it's different when you actually feel it... when you can touch the person, see the person and hold them close to you.

Writing this makes my head spin.... I am not lost... not confused... just needy.

There... I have said it! Happy now Piley?! :p

...-=London and All=-...

2008-12-11T12:41:00.002+11:00

In just a few weeks, it will be Christmas, and I haven't started on my Christmas shopping yet. I have no clue what to get family and friends this year. Socks good enough? :p Also... I sort of miss Piley. I was on Facebook yesterday and saw photos of Piley with Addie and I sort of started to miss them, their company. Those two makes me laugh till I cry (hmmm, I suppose magic mushrooms gives the same effect?!) and just their warm company. They way they reassure me during tougher times. I miss London too. Kensington, Chelsea and Notting Hill. Just going to the pub and hanging out with the lads whilst watching football or rugby or going to Cafe Montpeliano in Knightsbridge for brunch after a big night out... Or just hanging out with Piley and constantly arguing about our ex's! hehehe.... Our banters are always crazy as, but we love it! He is indeed a good sport! :)

Missing my English lads.... Merry jolly holidays as they would say. Have a pint for me! x

...-=Reading=-...

2008-12-11T11:47:00.003+11:00

I used to love reading books before. Novels and Biographies.. Self-help books and other New Age stuff... Then for some unknown reason, I lost the passion. I would try to read a book every now and then and find that I get up to reading half of it, then stop reading it all together. The book is not boring, I'm just not into reading it. Till I went to Chewie's ranch and grabbed the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I can feel that I will finish this book in no time.. but at the same time, trying not to read it too fast cos I dont the story to finish....

I'm still on her Italy Chapter and OMG... she reminds me of myself when I went to Europe... when I was in Poland, trying to cut loose old pain and heartaches and forgetting the person who I love so very much. I'm looking forward to the India Chapter as apparently it is thought provoking and quite a challenging experience for her. Learning how to meditate and practicing it can be challenging - I know this for a fact! Indonesia is where she found love apparently. Hmmm... LOVE. Though complicated, like Life... it is beautiful. I will never get tired of loving. Though there has been times when I do resent it and have feelings of spite for it. But love, if it's good and true can be so beautiful. It can be such a wonderful feeling.

Anyway, it's now my lunch break. Better get something to eat and get back to reading my book. I am now in the part where she has finally told David that she is letting him go and that she is giving him her blessing if he decides to find someone new to love. I swear I was on the train, reading it and I can feel her pain. I used to once have it and feel it. And though the love was good... I would never want to be in that same situation ever again.

...-=Changes=-...

2008-11-17T16:28:00.003+11:00

I think this year is the year of changes and moving on for me... Changed jobs twice... moved flats twice... and love life - zilch! Well, it's complicated but I'd rather call it zilch as it is somehow none-existent anyway.... Love does not exist where it cant be seen, nor touched.. though it can be felt - but it is not yet love... so yes, zilch! For the first time in years... I am single, and I'm lovin it! I still miss the occassional dramas in my life but I can get drama whenever I want to anyway. So easy.... just make a few phone calls... and voila! Dramas! No tears though... I'm so not into that anymore... I'd like to think that I have now changed. After the break-up, I feel so much refreshed, re-energized and I'm not ready to let go of those feelings yet. I'm happy to just get attention (I think I may have ADD??!!) and the occassional affection... though I miss hugs and kisses... like loads of them!!! I'm just happy that things are now sort of resolved with some people who I may have hurt in the past. I havent apologised but for some reason, I feel like I have been forgiven. This time, I want retain the good change... just be positive about it all... try not to hurt others and most importantly, try not to hurt myself.

Live more, laugh more, love more!

...-=Attached-Detached=-...

2008-10-28T15:11:00.003+11:00

So... here I am again! Hello Piley! :p No smilies today as I am at work, pretending to be busy (probably shouldn't have written that here - my manager might google me! :p)

So yes... thanks to the www, I have met someone. Yes, Anna has gone cyber! Woot! And he is nice... and sweet and everything you girlies would want. But yes, he is in Cyber Space! Okay.. not literally (but literally too?), he is currently far far away. We have been chatting for a while, has seen each others photos and the like and have been open (I hope!) with each other - without no expectations. As much as I try... I am starting to like him - A LOT. Which I know... some of you might think: "how is that possible, when you haven't even met the guy yet?" Seriously, I've asked myself that question so many times as well... and like before, I have no answer to my questions!

I am enjoying the feeling... though feeling a bit scared as I'm getting attached to him. It's a scary thought... the fact that I am actually having real feelings for this guy.... and yet... he is hundreds of miles away - and have NOT met him.....

Shake it off!!! Hmmm.... I will try!

...-=Positive + Goodness=-...

2008-08-28T22:32:00.001+10:00

I hope and pray that you'll be able to let go of the anger, the hurt and the frustrations that life, not just the people close to you (past and present) has given you. Learn to forgive and to forget and be able to move on without looking back at the past hurt as this will still attract negative vibes. While you are there, I want you to heal not just physically but emotionally from the past hurts and pains that you have experienced before. The hardest part will be the two which is forgiving and forgetting... but it will be worth it in the end. Once you have let go of these... then you can start fresh.. start new.. and have all the positive vibes and the goodness in life in you again...

Chewie, you'll find that once you have let go of all these negative emotions... that you will no longer feel anger and frustration... but will always see the goodness of every little thing... the simplicity of life...

You may think that I am not making sense or being silly but I believe in all of these things that Buddha has taught.... happiness comes from within... and with anger, resentment, pride and hurt, this will not completely happen....

Let it all go Chewie... take the opportunity that you have now that you are closer to the higher being.

...-=Attitude=-...

2008-08-28T02:06:00.001+10:00

I only wish that he will be less of an angry person. Be able to stand back and look and observe before saying something when a tough or not si good situation arises. He can be so nice you know, but no matter what I do or say, these changes, the happiness and the goodness in life that he's been hoping for, will be so far-fetched if he doesnt see the goodness in little things, in some people... after all they all start small...

I really do wish him well....

...-=Narcissism=-...

2008-08-23T22:19:00.001+10:00

After getting an invite to the play The Narcissist and reading the synopsis of it, I silent laughed and thought to myself... "Oh geez... this reminds me of someone I know! Why I never thought about it before is just so funny! Love really can blind people. I'm glad I bumped my head really hard this time and have awakened to the reality of it all... hehehe...

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

What is Narcissism?

A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

Most narcissists (75%) are men.

NPD is one of a "family" of personality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B").

Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.

NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviors ("dual diagnosis").

NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).

There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.

It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.

Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.

The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.

There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.

Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").

Narcissists are either "Classic" - see definition below - or they are "Compensatory", or "Inverted" - see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist".

NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioral). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviors (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.

Please read CAREFULLY!

The text in italics is NOT based on the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual, Fourth Edition-Text Revision (2000).

The text in italics IS based on "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", fourth, revised, printing (2003)

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)

Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations

Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends

Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her

Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted

Some of the language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:

American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association

...-=Hola!=-...

2008-08-22T08:42:00.002+10:00

Anna is not Mexican....

Is not!

Really....!!!

Anna is Filipino.

Anna is from Australia but was born in a country called the Philippines.

...-=Doped=-...

2008-08-20T16:59:00.002+10:00

I have to admit, I am feeling so empty, so hopeless at times, so down and so..... I cant explain the feeling....

I am having a rollercoaster ride of emotions....

I hate this feeling!!!

...-=Brighter Day=-...

2008-08-20T11:14:00.001+10:00

I woke up with a smile on my face today....

I woke up and it was a bit sunny, and I was thinking of what I should do today, given that I am not working.

And then I smiled again - I'm not thinking about him!

I think I am really starting to move on...

Although, yes I sent him an email yesterday, but that was only because I dont want anymore conflict in our lives.

I just want things to be back to normal...

I am okay... I am starting to be my happy and Zen self again...

...-=The Lesson I Learnt=-...

2008-08-19T08:05:00.002+10:00

I remember hearing this song at his place and he's told me that it's got some powerful lyrics. I listened to it and agreed.... I never thought that I'd be the one to say goodbye. I miss him you know. We've had some pretty good times together. But he wanted me to do this - eventually. I did myself a favour. I still love him but I've given so much of myself already. And it's time that I love myself again. I miss him you know. I woke up today thinking about him. It will be a very long healing journey, but I must do this for myself. I have to give myself more time and just be patient. I have let go of the most important person in my life - because although he is important and so close to my heart, he is not good to me.

:::The Power of Goodbye:::

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

Chorus:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Bridge:
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye