Tuesday, July 22, 2008

...-=The Calm Thinker=-...

I don't know if I had a meltdown tonight... I think I did. Though after trying to meditate, which I successfully did - I felt okay. I actually felt calm and fine. I tried to think of what happened, why I got so angry, why I got so upset... and once again, it was the "Thinker".... I am not free of the "Thinker" just as yet. I am still trying to free myself from it... I did somehow manage though... I thought I was going to lose the plot again... but this time, I stepped back and just looked. The angry "Thinker" was dying to say something stupid... but "I" was in control.
 
What good does it do when you're angry and upset? You open your mouth and say your angry thoughts, upset yourself, upset the other person = then there's too much negativity around afterwards. I dont like getting angry... I dont like the feeling of being upset. Who does?
 
I learnt today that I can control myself from being miserable. When I'm calm, I tend to be able to think better. I can have my old "Zen-self" back.... It's possible... and I am happy to know that I can have it back... I can be happy, Zen and be able to spread positivity around me once again.
 
But first, let me learn how to lose the "Thinker".... he is one tough job!
 
Ohm Shanti...

Monday, July 21, 2008

...-=A Promise to Myself=-...

This I promise:
 
That I will not look at the Past and judge who ever, including myself for the things that has hurt me.
That I will not think too much about the Future and make myself worry too much and stress about it - as it is not there yet.
 
That I will live in the Present, appreciate Now, and enjoy every single thing that comes my way....
 
I promise to observe the "Thinker" in me and not judge it.
I promise to be more forgiving and to be able to let go of the past hurt.
 
I promise to love myself once again.

...-=The Thinker=-...

I have been reading this book called "Practicing the Power of Now" again. The last time I read that book was last year and didnt manage to finish it cos 'I was busy'. I know, it's such a slack, non-sense excuse. If I have time to go out and surf the net, then that means I have time to read it. I read the "Power of Now" when I was in Europe and it made wonders... made a change, a big difference with me. It changed me in a good way. Though not many people understoon what happened... some of them got confused and eventually became angry... but after talking to them, making them realise what just happened to me... I just said "it's either you deal with it OR you leave it."
 
I came back from Europe with a less complicated life. Sure I had my little issues that In guess all people have. I used to find them really petty and would just shrug it off after a few minutes of thinking about it, realising that - it is an absolute waste of time and energy! My biggest problem them was work - and I made sure that I fixed the problem by looking for a better one. Hmmm... I used to be good with dealing with my problems... I guess since then, things have changed.
 
"Do I have a problem?" - That is the question.
 
If I would want to simplify my life, I can. I will just drop my friends and live in a cave by myself. Will not bring my laptop nor my mobile phone. Will make sure to bring lots of books with me and maybe before I go move to my cave, I will invest on getting a dog. That would be enough company.
 
But you see, I believe that no man is an island. We can not live by ourselves. Will not be happy just by being by ourselves. We need a companion... otherwise it will be a life with no love. Besides, we learn more about ourselves when we interact with others... learn more about life that way. Living in a cave is a coward option of solving your problems... it's not even a way of solving your problems - but more so. running away from it.
 
I miss my old self though. When I was really patient, loving and forgiving. I have changed... and I know that for a fact. I have come to realise that I do love my friends and will give them my time, will put so much effort into the friendship and will every now and then forgive them for being silly, of course with a little slap in the wrist so they wont forget what they have done. BUT I have also realised that I can only take so much. I can only forgive and forget to an extent. If I realise that they're not really putting that much effort into the friendship, I lose interest, because I love my friends and respect them and see them as an important person in my life and I expect the same from them. It has happened already... I have no more love, interest not even slight care for a couple of them. After putting too much effort and care only to have been dissed, lied to and let down... can you blame me?
 
I have some people in my life who I just cant drop though. Maybe it's because I have too much love for them and no matter how they do me wrong, I over-see it; MW for instance. Hmmm... I can never understand and will never understand why. I just love him.
 
I have learnt this from Eckahrt Tolle's "Power of Now", that if you really like/love someone and you think that it is worth it, then you DEAL with it. But if you think it's just too much and not worth your time, then you LEAVE IT. I remember saying this this to Iris before when I was in Poland and were talking about her problems with Poitr. And she said it does make sense, although quite hard to practise in our daily lives. But my point is, why would you waste your time with some people who really doesnt give a shit about you?!!! Hmmm.... again, some special people are exempted to this rule.
 
I am currently trying to observe the "Thinker" in me. It is what's giving me the problems, the stress and worries that I dont need. I just need to be able to step back and look and observe at the "Thinker" without critisizing and being judgemental towards it cos if you do start doing that, it is once again the "Thinker" who is in control and NOT the being. It is going to be one hell of a job... BUT will be all worth it in the end. I just miss the calm and Zen me.
 
In the mean time, I will try and use this blog wisely by not writing any more negative and angry entries/post. Instead, will try to document my progress in acquiring the old "happy" me. Wish me luck as I will be needing it.
 
This is going to be the start of a new adventure which will be self-enriching spiritually, mentally and emotionally. About time I do something good for myself.
 
Carpe Diem!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

...-=AWAKENED + ENLIGHTENED=-...

Last night, after the wee hours, I had the most amazing discovery of all... That I am starting to fall out of love.... But why? I think I'm just tired and just had enough.... And with further investigation, I found out that he will never change...

I still love him... and will always do.... but I am starting to fall out of love.... with him....

And that's the best thing I can ever do for myself....